Recovery JOW #880

It has been an interesting time since I posted my last JOW.  Ruth and I have both been somewhat involved in the recovery effort.  I had the opportunity to assist with water damage assessment for five schools and a hospital inside Houston.  While visiting these facilities, I was astonished not just at the sheer size of the areas that were flooded but at the amazing response.  Everywhere there was intense, focused cleanup activity.  The energy being brought to bear was simply amazing.  All over Houston people were lining up, not to get a government handout; no, they lined up to volunteer.  A day after the storm had passed, people had already begun to pile sad heaps of wet drywall pulled from homes, along with rugs and any other of their possessions that had been ruined by the floods.  These mounds of ruined possessions now form walls lining many Houston streets.

Thousands of people are still homeless; tens of thousands of homes and businesses were significantly flooded; hundreds of thousands of cars were caught in the flooding.  Even so, things are starting to come back to life, at least in the neighborhoods not inundated by the Army Corps of Engineers who released a deluge from area dams into neighborhoods not previously flooded.  I admit to a bias against the Corps of Engineers and their civil works; as far as I am concerned, their uniforms should include a big red nose and floppy shoes.

Even so, with the incredible energy of this region and the vast influx of resources coming in Houston will be back to its productive self far soon than anyone expected. 

Now comes the hard part of the recovery.  After the army of volunteers have departed, thousands of people will still have no place to live.  Others will face crushing bills to repair their homes.  Harvey was a worst-case disaster.  It was predicted, people prepared for it, and the response was immediate and effective.  Even so, you cannot dump a full year’s rainfall in five days over a major metropolitan region and not have an enormous economic hit.

On a lighter note, here are some jokes this week.

I nearly became a Doctor.

When I was young in the 1970's, I decided I wanted to be a doctor, so I took the entrance exam to go to Medical School.

One of the questions asked was to rearrange the letters PNEIS into the name of an important human body part, which is most useful when fully erect.

Those who answered 'spine' are doctors today.

The rest of us are sending jokes via email.

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Just as Sam was about to fall asleep, his wife shook him and said, "I hear someone breaking in."
At least two nights a week for twenty years Sam had gone through this. He knew that the only way he would get any rest was to go and check it out. So, he went out for a routine check.
When Sam entered the den he was surprised to see a thief. The man held a gun on him and continued to rob the house.
As the thief was about to leave Sam said, "You have to go and meet my wife, Jane."
The thief said, "Why would you want me to meet your wife?"
Sam replied, "Well, she's been expecting you from 20 years."

A few one-liners

·         Do not regret getting older.  It is a privilege denied to many.

·         If you judge a fish by its ability to climb trees, it will live its whole life believing it is stupid.

·         Whoever said ‘diamonds are a girl’s best friend’ never owned a dog.

·         Even duct tape can't fix stupid ... but it can muffle the sound!

·         At my age "Getting lucky" means walking into a room and remembering what I came in there for.

·         My body ain’t what it used to be.  Even when I am naked, I want to slip into something more comfortable.

·         I called the incontinence hotline.  They told me to hold.

·         I fell down the stairs last week.  It was the fastest I had moved in years.

·         I am one step away from being rich.  All I need now is money.

·         Ever considered there is a highway to hell but only a staircase to heaven?

·         Be careful when you follow the masses.  Sometimes the ‘m’ is silent. 

·         It is better to walk alone that with a crowd moving in the wrong direction.

·         Spending time with children is more important than spending money on children.

·         Sometimes the first step to forgiveness is realizing that the other person is an idiot.

·         How many thin mints do I have to eat before I start seeing results?

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Dear Algebra, please stop asking us to find your ‘X’.  She has moved on.  Don’t ask ‘Y’.

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Ten bad headlines:

1. Blind Woman Gets New Kidney from Dad She Hasn't Seen In Years
2. 20-Year Friendship Ends at Altar
3. Plane Too Close To Ground-Crash Probe Told
4. Child's Stool Great for Use In Garden
5. Mrs. Corson's Seat Up For Grabs
6. Prison Guard Probed In Prison Sex Scandal
7. After Panda Mating Fails Veterinarian Takes Over
8. Organ Festival Ends In Smashing Climax
9. Queen Mary Having Bottom Scraped
10. Survivor of Siamese Twins Joins Parents

A doctor joke

Four doctors went duck hunting – a family practitioner, a gynecologist, a surgeon, and a pathologist.

A bird flew over their blind.

The family practitioner started to shoot but held his fire because he was not absolutely sure it was a duck.

The gynecologist did not shoot because he was not sure if it was a male or female duck.

The surgeon blew the bird out of the sky.  He turned to the pathologist and said, “Go see if that was a duck.”

Horrible Harvey JOW #879

Tropical Storm Harvey has had a major impact on the greater Houston Area for the last four days, with unprecedented flooding in the area.  Since everything is closed, including most of the main transportation arteries, I have had plenty of time to ponder flooding, including some of these bits of humor for an otherwise grim situation.

Pros and Cons of flooding

Pro - Fishing from a couch right in your living room.
Con - Your couch doesn't float.

Pro - The trip to the river just got shorter.
Con - Now you can't get away from it.

Pro - Boating in the street.
Con – Street signs and cars right under the surface.

Pro - Great time to wash your house's siding.
Con - Ring around the house.

Pro - Sun-tanning on the roof is cool.
Con - Sleeping there sucks.

Pro - Great way to meet new neighbors.
Con - Their stuff keeps floating into your bedroom.

Pro - Washing dishes just got easier.
Con - All the grub is under water, too.

Pro - Good time to clean the gutters.
Con - Nothing else to do till the boat comes back.

Pro - Practice your diving skills.
Con - Breaking your neck on the top of the porch roof.

Pro - You can finally reach those dead branches.
Con - Gotta swim after the saw that's floating away.

Pro - You can finally slam dunk.
Con - You have to dive down to get to the basket.

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A lawyer and an engineer were sitting on the beach in Miami.

The lawyer decided to strike up a conversation, “I’m here because my business burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.”

“That’s quite a coincidence,” said the engineer. “I’m here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company paid double for everything.”

There was a pause and then the puzzled lawyer asked, “How do you start a flood?”

Some flood riddles

What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark? - Flood lights

Why couldn't they play cards on the ark?  - Noah was sitting on the deck

Was Noah the first one out of the Ark?  - No, he came forth out of the ark
How does a lawyer resemble a rabbi?  - Lawyers study the law and the profits

This is one of my favorite jokes

It had been raining for days and days, and a local river crested, flooding many houses. The waters rose so high that one man was forced to climb onto the roof of his house. As the waters rose higher and higher, a man in a big, high truck appeared, and told him to hop in.

"No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the man in the truck went away.

The man on the roof prayed for God to save him. The waters rose higher and higher, and suddenly a boat appeared.

"Climb in!" shouted a man in the boat.

"No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me."

So the man in the boat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him. The waters continued to rise. A helicopter appeared and over the loudspeaker, the pilot announced he would lower a rope to the man on the roof.

"No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the helicopter went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him. The waters rose higher and higher, and eventually they rose so high that the man on the roof was washed away, and alas, he drowned.

Upon arriving in heaven, the man marched straight over to God. 

"Heavenly Father," he said, "I had faith in you, I prayed to you to save me, and yet you did nothing. Why?" 

God gave him a puzzled look, and replied "I sent you a truck, a boat and a helicopter, what more did you expect?"

A useless bit of arcane knowledge:

Did you know the saying "God willing and the creek don't rise" was in reference to the Creek Indians and not a body of water? It was written by Benjamin Hawkins in the late 18th century. He was a politician and Indian diplomat. While in the south, Hawkins was requested by the President of the U.S. to return to Washington In his response, he was said to write, "God willing and the Creek don't rise." Because he capitalized the word "Creek", he was referring to the Creek Indian tribe and not a body of water. 

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The old couple had a tumultuous relationship, right up to her passing.  His wife's graveside service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, and then even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she’s there."

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An angelic little boy was waiting for his mother outside the ladies room of the gas station.

As he stood there, he was approached by a man who asked, "Sonny, can you tell me where the Post Office is?" 

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street two blocks and turn to your right.  It's on the left." 

The man thanked the boy kindly, complimented him on how bright he was and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. If you and your mommy come to church on Sunday, I'll show you how to get to Heaven." 

The little boy replied "You gotta be kidding me, right? You can't even find the Post Office."