Horrible Harvey JOW #879

Tropical Storm Harvey has had a major impact on the greater Houston Area for the last four days, with unprecedented flooding in the area.  Since everything is closed, including most of the main transportation arteries, I have had plenty of time to ponder flooding, including some of these bits of humor for an otherwise grim situation.

Pros and Cons of flooding

Pro - Fishing from a couch right in your living room.
Con - Your couch doesn't float.

Pro - The trip to the river just got shorter.
Con - Now you can't get away from it.

Pro - Boating in the street.
Con – Street signs and cars right under the surface.

Pro - Great time to wash your house's siding.
Con - Ring around the house.

Pro - Sun-tanning on the roof is cool.
Con - Sleeping there sucks.

Pro - Great way to meet new neighbors.
Con - Their stuff keeps floating into your bedroom.

Pro - Washing dishes just got easier.
Con - All the grub is under water, too.

Pro - Good time to clean the gutters.
Con - Nothing else to do till the boat comes back.

Pro - Practice your diving skills.
Con - Breaking your neck on the top of the porch roof.

Pro - You can finally reach those dead branches.
Con - Gotta swim after the saw that's floating away.

Pro - You can finally slam dunk.
Con - You have to dive down to get to the basket.

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A lawyer and an engineer were sitting on the beach in Miami.

The lawyer decided to strike up a conversation, “I’m here because my business burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.”

“That’s quite a coincidence,” said the engineer. “I’m here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company paid double for everything.”

There was a pause and then the puzzled lawyer asked, “How do you start a flood?”

Some flood riddles

What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark? - Flood lights

Why couldn't they play cards on the ark?  - Noah was sitting on the deck

Was Noah the first one out of the Ark?  - No, he came forth out of the ark
How does a lawyer resemble a rabbi?  - Lawyers study the law and the profits

This is one of my favorite jokes

It had been raining for days and days, and a local river crested, flooding many houses. The waters rose so high that one man was forced to climb onto the roof of his house. As the waters rose higher and higher, a man in a big, high truck appeared, and told him to hop in.

"No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the man in the truck went away.

The man on the roof prayed for God to save him. The waters rose higher and higher, and suddenly a boat appeared.

"Climb in!" shouted a man in the boat.

"No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me."

So the man in the boat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him. The waters continued to rise. A helicopter appeared and over the loudspeaker, the pilot announced he would lower a rope to the man on the roof.

"No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the helicopter went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him. The waters rose higher and higher, and eventually they rose so high that the man on the roof was washed away, and alas, he drowned.

Upon arriving in heaven, the man marched straight over to God. 

"Heavenly Father," he said, "I had faith in you, I prayed to you to save me, and yet you did nothing. Why?" 

God gave him a puzzled look, and replied "I sent you a truck, a boat and a helicopter, what more did you expect?"

A useless bit of arcane knowledge:

Did you know the saying "God willing and the creek don't rise" was in reference to the Creek Indians and not a body of water? It was written by Benjamin Hawkins in the late 18th century. He was a politician and Indian diplomat. While in the south, Hawkins was requested by the President of the U.S. to return to Washington In his response, he was said to write, "God willing and the Creek don't rise." Because he capitalized the word "Creek", he was referring to the Creek Indian tribe and not a body of water. 

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

The old couple had a tumultuous relationship, right up to her passing.  His wife's graveside service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, and then even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she’s there."

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An angelic little boy was waiting for his mother outside the ladies room of the gas station.

As he stood there, he was approached by a man who asked, "Sonny, can you tell me where the Post Office is?" 

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street two blocks and turn to your right.  It's on the left." 

The man thanked the boy kindly, complimented him on how bright he was and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. If you and your mommy come to church on Sunday, I'll show you how to get to Heaven." 

The little boy replied "You gotta be kidding me, right? You can't even find the Post Office."