I am fond of a dying breed of humor – the shaggy
dog joke. By their very nature these
jokes are both long, (in an age of compressed thought) and often require an
elaborate pun using a meme or song. But it
does no good to deliver a punch line such as “Pardon me Roy, is that the cat who
chewed your new shoes?” if the listener does not know the song ‘Chattanooga
Choo Choo.’ Even songs familiar to my
generation like ‘Some Enchanted Evening’ or ‘I left my heart in San
Francisco’ are unknown to Millennials.
This is a pity because there are some great jokes using those songs. Probably
just as well that I can’t use them – to be most effective the teller needs to
sing the punchline. Likewise many memes
have been overtaken by time. Who
remembers the yellow pages or obscene phone calls?
Here are a few longer jokes as a novelty and
for your amusement.
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There once was a man who decided he had to
visit Australia once in his life. He read up on everything he could find,
visited all the Australian web sites on the Internet and saved his money so he
could make this once in a lifetime vacation.
The day finally came when it all came together
and he was ready to leave. He boarded the plane and some hours later stepped
off the plane at Sidney International. Australia at last!
Unfortunately, on his first day sightseeing,
he began to get a bad headache. Thinking it was probably just jet lag he took
two aspirin and continued his tour. The headache didn't go away, however, so he
asked the tour guide where the best place to go for treatment. "Sir,
you'll want to go to the emergency room at the Mercy Hospital", the guide
told him, "It’s not far from here."
At the hospital, the doctor suggested he stay
there overnight for observation and he agreed. He was assigned a room and a nun
who was a nurse came in to see him. When he told her about his headache, she
asked him if he had tried their Koala tea. "It’s made from the fur of the
Koala bear and has great healing properties", she said. He said he was
willing to try anything at that point and asked that she bring him a cup.
Presently, the nun came back in with a cup of
liquid. He looked in the cup and saw it had a mass of hair in the bottom.
Feeling rather nauseous, he said he didn't believe he could drink the tea with
all that hair in the cup. "Couldn't you strain it out or something",
he asked.
The nun was indignant. She said, "Sir,
the Koala tea of Mercy is not strained!"
(A bit of Shakespeare to reach your cultural
goal for the day.)
*************
There once was this man who was looking for a
job. He applied for a bus driver's job at the county board of education. The
head of the school board granted him an interview. During the interview the man
was told there was only one bus driver job left, the one that drove the special
education bus. The man said he would take the job but the school official asked
that he look at the bus first. They went outside down a row of yellow school
buses and at the end was a small van with Sesame Street characters painted all
over it. The man was a little reluctant at first but the official told him all
the kids would be at the bus stops and all he had to do was pick them up in the
morning and take them home in the evening. The man need the job badly so he
took it.
The first day on the job he comes to the bus
stop and there is a little girl standing there who is very fat. She gets on the
bus and the driver says, "Hi! What's your name?" The girl replies,
"My name is Patty" and takes a seat. He comes to the next stop and there
is another little girl there who is even fatter than the first. She gets on the
bus and the driver asks, "What your name?" She says "My name is
Patty" then takes a seat by the first girl.
At the next stop there is a little boy
standing there. When he gets on the bus he says, "Hi I'm Ross and I'm
special." At the next stop there is another little boy standing there and
when asked his name he says, "Hi I'm Lester Cheatum". Lester takes
the seat behind the driver, pulls off his shoes. He starts picking the loose
skin on his bunions and throwing it at the driver. This being the last stop,
the driver takes the group of special kits to school.
This same scene happens every day for a week.
On Friday the driver goes into the superintendent's office and say, "I
quit! I can't take it anymore!"
When asked why the driver says, "Every
day it's the same thing! Two obese Patty's, special Ross, Lester Cheatum
picking bunions on a Sesame Street bus".
(I think everyone remembers that incessant
McDonald’s commercial, right?)
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++
A librarian is working away at her desk when
she notices that a chicken has come into the library and is patiently waiting
in front of the desk. When the chicken sees that it has the librarian's
attention, it clucks, "Book, book, book, BOOK!"
The librarian complies, putting a couple of
books down in front of the chicken. The chicken quickly grabs them and
disappears.
The next day, the librarian is again disturbed
by the same chicken, who puts the previous day's pile of books down on the desk
and again squawks, "Book, book, book, BOOK!"
The librarian shakes her head, wondering what
the chicken is doing with these books, but eventually finds some more books for
the chicken. The chicken disappears.
The next day, the librarian is once again
disturbed by the chicken, who squawks (in a rather irritated fashion, it
seems), "Book, book, book, BOOK!" By now, the librarian's curiosity
has gotten the better of her, so she gets a pile of books for the chicken, and
follows the bird when it leaves the library. She follows it through the parking
lot, down the street for several blocks, and finally into a large park. The
chicken disappears into a small grove of trees, and the librarian follows. On
the other side of the trees is a small marsh. The chicken has stopped on the
side of the marsh. The librarian, now really curious, hurries over and sees
that there is a small frog next to the chicken, examining each book, one at a
time. The librarian comes within earshot just in time to hear the frog saying,
"Read it, read it, read it..."
And
finally, one more joke:
Samson is working in his store when he hears a
booming voice from above: “Samson, sell your business.” He ignores it. It goes
on for days. “Samson, sell your business for $3 million.” After weeks of this,
he relents, sells his store. The voice says ‘Samson, go to Las Vegas.” He asks
why. “Samson, take the $3 million to Las Vegas.” He obeys, goes to a casino.
Voice says, “Samson, go to the blackjack table and put it down all on one
hand.” He hesitates but knows he must. He’s dealt an 18. The dealer has a six
showing. “Samson, take a card.” What? The dealer has — “Take a card!” He tells
the dealer to hit him. Samson gets an ace. Nineteen. He breathes easy. “Samson,
take another card.” What? “TAKE ANOTHER CARD!” He asks for another card. It’s
another ace. He has twenty. “Samson, take another card,” the voice commands. I
have twenty! Samson shouts. “TAKE ANOTHER CARD!!” booms the voice. Hit me, Samson
says. He gets another ace. Twenty one.
The
booming voice goes: “un-fricking-believable!”
