Signage JOW #892

I have some signage jokes along with a mix of others that came to me as I typed these up.  I hope they give you a bit of amusement.

Bill sent me some signs from a filling station in South Africa that they chalk on their board.

·         Stop trying to make everybody happy – You’re not tequila.

·         Forgiveness does not change the past but it does enlarge the future.

·         Don’t do something permanently stupid because you are temporarily upset.

·         Be the ‘who’ you needed when you were younger.

·         If you have a gun you can rob a bank.  If you have a bank you can rob everybody.

·         In a world where you can be anything… be kind.

·         The best time to plant a tree was 20 years ago.  The second best time to plant a tree is now.

·         If you had to choose between drinking wine every day or being skinny which would you chose -red or white?

Which led to some other well-known signs

A sign in a Shoe Repair store in Vancouver:  

We will heel you

We will save your sole

We will even dye for you.

A sign on a Blinds and Curtains truck:

“Blind man driving.”

Sign over a Gynecologist's Office: 

"Dr. Jones, at your cervix.”

In a Podiatrist's office:   

"Time wounds all heels.”

On a Septic Tank Truck:

"Yesterday's Meals on Wheels."

At an Optometrist's Office:

"If you don't see what you're looking for,

You've come to the right place.”

On a Plumber's truck:

"We repair what your husband fixed.”

On another Plumber's truck:

"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber.”

At a Tire Shop in Milwaukee:

"Invite us to your next blowout.”

On an Electrician's truck:

"Let us remove your shorts.”

In a Non-smoking Area: 

"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and will take appropriate action.”

On a Maternity Room door:

"Push. Push. Push.”

More random quick jokes

·         Change is inevitable, except from vending machines.

·         Those who live by the sword get shot by those who don’t.

·         The reason things aren’t foolproof is that fools are so ingenious.

·         If the shoe fits it is ugly.

·         If it fits, looks good, and is on sale, by another one for your other foot.

A man told a friend about taking his wife to dinner for their anniversary. He described how the food was made right  in front of them.

The friend said, “I’ve heard of places like that, what is the name of the restaurant?”

The man replied, “Subway.”

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

What do you call a huge line of people waiting to get the new Barbie doll? A Barbie queue.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

What was Forrest Gump’s password?  “1Forrest1”

Andy, releasing his inner child sent this one:

Where does George Washington hide his armies?.....

In his sleevies.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The story goes: upon completing a highly dangerous tightrope walk over Niagara Falls in appalling wind and rain, 'The Great Zumbrati' was met by an enthusiastic supporter, who urged him to make a return trip, this time pushing a wheelbarrow, which the spectator had thoughtfully brought along.

The Great Zumbrati was reluctant, given the terrible conditions, but the supporter pressed him, "You can do it - I know you can," he urged.

"You really believe I can do it?" asked Zumbrati.

"Yes - definitely - you can do it." the supporter gushed.

"Okay," said Zumbrati, "Get in the wheelbarrow.”

A spy joke:

A small, very good looking man walked into the KGB office and approached the reception desk.

“I’m an American spy. I want to surrender.”

– Are you armed?

“Yes.”

– Go to room 9, please.

He goes to room 9 and says:

“I am an American spy, I’m armed, I want to surrender.”

– Do you have any communication with the Americans?

“Yes I have.”

– Go to room 1.

He goes to room 1 and says:

“I’m a spy, I’m armed, I’m in communication with America and I want to surrender.”

-Have you been sent on a mission?

“Yes. I have been on mission impossible.”

– Well, get out and go do it! Stop bothering people while they’re working!

And finally a physics joke:

A group of wealthy investors wanted to be able to predict the outcome of a horse race. So they hired a group of biologists, a group of statisticians, and a group of physicists. Each group was given a year to research the issue. After one year, the groups all reported to the investors. The biologists said that they could genetically engineer an unbeatable racehorse, but it would take 200 years and $100 billion. The statisticians reported next. They said that they could predict the outcome of any race, at a cost of $100 million per race, and they would only be right 10% of the time. Finally, the physicists reported that they could also predict the outcome of any race, and that their process was cheap and simple. The investors listened eagerly to this proposal. The head physicist reported, "We have made several simplifying assumptions: first, let each horse be a perfect rolling sphere…