Filler JOW #1235

I have been on vacation in Colorado for the last couple of weeks attending weddings and visiting family.  I have been traveling and enjoying the cool weather so much that I haven’t had time to do much for my JOW this week, just some leftover one-liners and quaint but amusing story.  Whenever I worry about the quality of my JOW I am comforted by the words of the ancient philosopher Mediocrities.   “Meh…. Good enough.”  I hope you enjoy this week’s humor.

 

As I get older and remember all the people I have lost along the way I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me.

 

I am a person that wants to do lots of exciting things trapped in a body that doesn’t.

 

I finally bought a pair of shoes with memory foam.  No more walking into a room and forgetting why I walked there.

 

I asked where I could meet middle aged women.  They told me to go to a Renaissance Faire.

 

Old is when you are cautioned to slow down by your doctor instead of the police

 

I think I want a job cleaning mirrors. I could really see myself doing it

 

I am going to start training for an ice cream shop.  It is Sundae school.

 

A duck waddled into a beauty shop and bought some lipstick.  Then he told them to put it on his bill

 

I backed a horse at ten to one.  I came in at a quarter past two.

 

A good woman is by your side in the bad times to tell you that none of this would have happened if you had just listened to her.

 

What is red and bad for your teeth.  A brick

 

People in Dubai don’t like The Flintstones but people in Abu Dhabi do!

 

Drinking from the skulls of your enemies is much more environmentally friendly than using plastic cups

 

Darth Vader had a wife – Ella

 

Finaly, an essay on legal wordsmithing

The beauty of a language and the art of constructing the words of the language significantly lead to their meaning. This is not a case of twisting, but of the refined manner of presentation by witty minds. A good case for reference.
One evening, after attending the theatre, two gentlemen were walking down the avenue when they observed a rather well dressed and attractive young lady walking ahead of them. One of them turned to the other and remarked, "I'd give $250 to spend the night with that woman."
Much to their surprise, the young lady overheard their remark, turned around, and replied, "I'll take you up on that offer."
She had a neat appearance and a pleasant voice, so after bidding his companion good night, the man accompanied the young lady to her apartment. The following morning, as he prepared to leave, the man gave her $125.
She demanded the rest of the money, stating, "If you don't give me the other $125 I'll sue you for it."
He laughed, saying "I'd like to see you get it on these grounds."
Within a few days, he was surprised when he received a summons ordering his presence in court as a defendant in a lawsuit. He hurried to his lawyer and explained the details of the case. His lawyer said, "She can't possibly get a judgment against you on such grounds, but it will be interesting to see how her case will be presented."
After the usual preliminaries, the lady's Lawyer addressed the court as follows:
"Your Honor, my client, this lady, is the owner of a piece of property, a garden spot, surrounded by a profuse growth of shrubbery, which property she agreed to rent to the defendant for a specified length of time for the sum of $250. The defendant took possession of the property, used it extensively for the purposes for which it was rented, but upon evacuating the premises, he paid only $125, one-half of the amount agreed upon. The rent was not excessive, since it is restricted property, and we ask judgment be granted against the defendant to assure payment of the balance."
The defendant's Lawyer was not only surprised but also impressed AND amused by the way his opponent had presented the case. Naturally, his defense was somewhat different from the way he had originally planned to present it. He rose to the occasion!
'Your Honor," he said, "my client agrees that the lady has a fine piece of property, that he did rent such property for a time, and a degree of pleasure was derived from the transaction. However, my client found a well on the property around which he placed his own stones, sunk a shaft, and erected a pump, all labor performed personally by him. We claim these improvements to the property were sufficient to offset the unpaid amount, and that the plaintiff was adequately compensated for the rental of said property. We, therefore, ask that judgment not be granted."
The young lady's lawyer answered, "Your Honor, my client agrees that the defendant did find a well on her property. However, had the defendant not known that the well existed, he would never have rented the property. Also, upon evacuating the premises, the defendant removed the stones, pulled out the shaft, and took the pump with him. In doing so, he not only dragged the equipment through the shrubbery, but left the hole much larger than it was prior to his occupancy, making the property much less desirable to others. We, therefore, ask that judgment be granted."
In the Judge's decision, he provided for two options, "Pay the balance $125 to the plaintiff, or have the equipment detached from its current location and provided to the plaintiff for damages."
The defendant immediately paid the bill.

 

Boomer JOW #1234

 There is a lot of discussion about the various generations these days. I am a Boomer, 

the term used to describe the large number of kids born following WWII. Heck I am a

Boomer to the fourth power: a straight male WASP Boomer veteran.  This

doesn’t mean I am a superb Boomer. I am just an Ok Boomer. (In case you don’t get it, the

phrase “Okay Boomer” is a dismissive phrase by younger generations which essentially

means ‘whatever’) Here are some movie examples:

Elsa: “You can’t marry a man you just met.”

Anna: “OK boomer.”

 

Thanos: “I am inevitable.”

Iron Man: “OK boomer.”

 

More ‘Okay Boomer’ jokes:

A man told his son that when he dies, he wants his ashes to be made into fireworks so he

can go out with a bang.

The son replied, “Ok, Boomer.”

What do you call a firework that’s not very impressive?

Okay boomer.

I told my kid that -459.67 Fahrenheit is the coldest anything can get.

He just said, “0 K, Boomer.”

My dad said there’d been an explosion at the potassium factory.

K boomer.

You younger kids should respect Boomers. We passed school without Google.

Boomers: the OG time travelers who lived through it all.

If a Boomer falls in the forest, do they hear a vinyl record?

Boomer wisdom: Press “Ctrl+Alt+Del” on life’s problems.

Boomers survived Y2K with our VCRs intact.

Boomers know the true art of waiting for film to develop.

Fun fact: Boomers were the first to discover that “selfies” were possible with a timer and a

tripod.

Boomers know that the iconic prism cover of Dark Side of the Moon is not a Pride symbol.

Did you hear about the old guy who gave toddlers dynamite?

He was a Baby Boomer.

What do you call a 60-year-old that hasn’t reached puberty?

A late boomer.

What do you call a 60-year-old flying in a jet fighter?

A sonic boomer.

How do boomers view social media? 

Like a virtual high school reunion, minus the awkward dance moves!

How do boomers respond to selfie sticks? 

They raise an eyebrow and say, “Back in our day, we asked strangers to take our photos!”

How do boomers feel about QR codes? They chuckle and say, “We had our own version of

codes – they were called barcodes!”

Boomer equation: E+MC2 Energy = Milk * Coffee2

What happens when a Karen and a Boomer crash into each other?

KaBoom!

How do boomers change a lightbulb?

They don’t — they just keep talking about how great the old one was.

But if they do, they just hire someone to do it and complain about how back in the day a bulb used to cost a nickel.

Boomers give great tips.

They don’t accept change.

Boomers at 26: “It’s great to be four years into my job with great benefits, a pension, and

job security.”

Millennials at 26: “If I name my cat Bitcoin, maybe she’ll get VC backing and I can make ad revenue off her Instagram account and that’ll be enough to pay off my student loans.”

An older man called his son to tell him he’s coming back home after all these years.

The Boomer rang.

It was easy to block people back in my day. We just took the phone off the hook.

A Gen Z kid and a boomer walk into a bar.  They sit down and the Gen Z kid orders from the gluten free vegan menu and the boomer orders a T-Bone steak.

They start chatting and the Gen Z kid says that social justice issues are the biggest problem facing the world, and that the white supremacist patriarchy is a plague on society.

The boomer waves this off and says the kids these days are just too sensitive, and that he fought for civil rights in the sixties and did his part.

They go back and forth on this for a while, and finally the Gen Z kid says, “We’re just not gonna settle this. We don’t see eye to eye. You’re too old and out of touch and I’m too young and inexperienced.  What we need to do is ask a Millennial with a PhD in sociology for their opinion."  

The boomer says, “That’s a great idea!” and yells, “HEY BARTENDER, C’MERE!”

Some non-Boomer jokes:

Killing only two birds with one stone? Pffft…. The all-time record is held by the asteroid

that hit the earth 67 million years ago.

My dad used to always say, “You should fight fire with fire!” Which is probably why he got

thrown out of the fire department.

I always gave 100% at work

Monday – 14%

Tuesday – 26%

Wednesday – 32%

Thursday – 15%

Friday – 13%

Name a city that changed your life.

Wuhan.

To celebrate April Fool’s Day CNN published an actual real news story.

I will never understand guys who pay dominatrixes to degrade them. Just get married and

fold the towels wrong

Nowadays you teach your kids the magic words to get what you want. “I’m offended.”

And finally:

Once, a young boy decided to try out for the school band. He picked up the baton and directed it with such intensity that every instrument sounded out of tune. The music teacher, puzzled, asked another student to take the lead.

The result? Perfect harmony! The boy, looking dejected, approached the teacher, "Is it me?  Am I doing something wrong?"

The teacher smiled and said, "No, you're just a bad conductor."

21st Century JOW #1233

We are well into the 21^st Century.  Wow. I read a lot of science fiction when I was a kid in the 50’s and 60’s.  They mostly got the future wrong.  Good thing.  I am not sure I would have wanted to go on the ride if I knew where it was going.  Not personally, of course, but we have had some pretty strange twists and turns on the way to our current present.  On one hand we do not have flying cars, or even true self driving ones, but we do have easy access to lots of cat videos.  In 2024 United States not only does NASA not have any bases on the moon but it has to rely on eccentric billionaires to even get into space.  

Here are some thoughts about our current era.

~~~~~~~

Did you know falcons only live 12-15 years? That means every falcon alive right now was born in the 21st century which makes them…

Millennium Falcons

 

Job security in the 21st century.

That’s the whole joke.

 

What's the difference between a 19th century slave and a 21st century unpaid intern?

No, seriously, I want to know.

 

A recent poll found a majority of Americans believe Big Tech is spying on them.  “No we’re not,” replied Alexa and Seri.

 

Classic nursery rhymes are too graphic for today's youth.  Here is the new modern version:

Humpty Dumpty sat on the wall,

Humpty Dumpty had a great fall,

And his winter wasn't half bad either.

 

Keep CRT out of our schools!

It's the 21st Century, people. LCD monitors are higher resolution and much more energy efficient than Cathode Ray Tubes!  (Although the term Cathode Ray Tube does sound kinda 21^st Century.)

 

The Kardashians are a 21^st Century feature.  You know, the Kardashians, aka ‘The mistake train.’  I mean the Kardashians nearly killed Lamar Odom, made Kanye West crazy, and turned Bruce Jenner into a woman.

 

Amazon has introduced a voice-controlled microwave.  If you need voice control to use a microwave maybe you’re too drunk to eat whatever you’re asking for.

 

Gen Z should love Popeye.  He has tattoos and has a plant-based diet.

Robbers broke into the Gap over the weekend.  The suspects are described as armed and casual.

 

I was visiting my son and last night when I asked if I could borrow a newspaper.
"This is the 21st century, old man," he said. "We don't waste money on newspapers. Here, you can borrow my iPad."
I can tell you, that friggin' fly never knew what hit it ...

 

How does a pirate catcall in the 21st century?

Yo-ho!

 

We can all sleep easy at night knowing that somewhere out there the Foo Fighters are out there fighting Foo.

 

Biden cancelled student loan debt and is going to legalize weed.  After his term I bet he can get into any fraternity he wants.

 

A man at a theme park in California was recently arrested after he hopped a fence into an animal exhibit and punched a camel in the face. 

When asked why he glared at the camel and said, “He knows why.”
 

Enough jokes about modern times.  Here a few off topic ones.

·         I sometimes use big words that I don’t know the meaning of to make me seem more perpendicular.   

·         You should cut people out of your life born between June 21st and July 22.  They’re Cancer.

·         I asked where I could meet middle aged women.  They told me to go to a Renaissance Faire.  (For Bill and Debi)

·         Old is when you are cautioned to slow down by your doctor instead of the police

·         I have changed my workout routine to include lunges.  They are a big step forward

·         Why does everyone associate heavy metal with Satan.  For all we know could like cool jazz.

·         I don’t know about the chicken, but the turtle crossed the road to get to the Shell station.

·         Did you ever notice the three ‘c’s in Pacific Ocean are all pronounced differently.

·         Who picks up guide dog poop?

·         I no longer ‘seize the day’.  It’s more like poking it with a stick.

·         Greenhouse gases are creating global warming.  So, blow up a greenhouse today.

 

Collie: “What do you mean I’m too controlling?”

Sheep: “You herd me.”

 

An old farmer stopped by the local mechanic’s shop to have his truck fixed. They thought it might have something to do with the transmission, so they couldn’t repair it while he waited. He told the mechanics that he didn’t live far and would just walk home.
On the way home he stopped at the hardware store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem ― how to carry his purchases home.
While he was scratching his head, he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, "Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane?” The farmer replied "Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house. I would walk you there, but I can’t carry this lot."
The lady suggested "Why don’t you do this? Put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand."
"Why, thank you very much, that works just fine!" he said, and proceeded to walk the old girl home.
On the way he said "Let’s take my usual short cut and go down this alley. We’ll be there in no time."
The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, "I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me ... How do I know that when we get in the alley you won’t have your way with me?”
The farmer said with some irritation "Holy smokes, lady! I’m carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I do that?"
The old lady replied, "Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint can on top of the bucket, and I’ll hold the chickens."

 

Delivered JOW #1232

Things are getting a bit out of control with home delivery shopping.  The other day I opened my front door and there *wasn’t* a package out there.   I was amazed.   Amazon has become the new Santa Claus, and every day is Christmas.  Here are a few jokes on that general topic.

 

What do u call a delivery driver who doesn’t like his job

FEDup

 

Then there was the cheeky delivery driver.

He got his phone out and said he wanted to take a picture of my package.

 

I ordered a chicken and an egg at the same time from Amazon today

Now we wait to find out….

 

What do you call 2 monkeys that share an Amazon account?
Prime mates.

 

I tried to look up lighters on Amazon.  What did I get?  13,749 matches.

 

What do you call when Wonder Woman and Spiderman went into business together?
Amazon Web Services.

 

Did you hear about the reported stolen Amazon package?
The police are still looking for a prime suspect.

 

Did you hear about the kid who ordered a thesaurus from Amazon but when it was delivered all the pages were blank?
He has no words to describe how angry he is.

 

What language do delivery drivers speak in the Harry Potter universe?

Parcel tongue

 

Did you hear about the Pepsi delivery drivers who were fired?

They tested positive for coke.

 

I saw a line of delivery scooters parked out the front of a pizza place.

Someone bumped into one of them and it toppled over, and knocked down the next one, which knocked down the next one, and the next one.
It was the Domino's effect.

 

A man started a new job as a delivery driver. 

When he got to my first address there was a little sticky note left on the door that said, "Dear Delivery Driver, we are out, please hide in garage".
It was six hours before they found him.

 

Amazon has come up with a new service where they will deliver custom made shirts within 48 hours of ordering.
It’s called Tailor Swift.

 

I’m binge watching a TV show for free on Amazon, but it won’t let me watch certain episodes: specifically, episodes number 2, 3, 5, 7, & 11.  It’s only available on Amazon Prime.

 

 I also have a smart speaker, specifically an Alexa, and of course I have Siri on my iPhone.  I get bored and ask them stupid questions such as:

What is the value of pi.  Alexa goes on for while before saying she is out of breath.

If you have one of these virtual assistants try asking them things like:

How tall are you?

How old are you?

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck?

Why did the chicken cross the road?

In general Alexa has a better, funnier and more nuanced set of responses.  You should try your own questions to your AI sometime.

 

Here are a few quick off-topic jokes.

 

“Planning meals in advance, now that’s some food forethought.” 

 

“They say some people ‘inhale books.’ I know someone who injects books right into his veins. Particularly ones with female protagonists. He’s a heroine addict.” 

 

“I bet there’s never any workers’ strikes at a stress-ball factory.” 

 

“I tell my friends, I’m here for them 24/7 because it sounds better than saying I’m only here for them on the 24th of July.” 

 

The Bible tells us to love our neighbors, and also to love our enemies. Probably because they’re generally the same people.” 

 

It takes those plastic bags from the grocery store almost a hundred years to break down.  Unless of course, you are carrying something breakable inside one as you bring your groceries inside.

 

And a few quotes.

“The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they’re okay, then it’s you.” Rita Brown 

 

“If you want to know what God thinks of money, look at the people he gave it to.” Dorothy Parker 

 

“People say money is not the key to happiness, but I have always figured if you have enough money, you can have a key made.” Joan Rivers 

 

“The holy passion of friendship is of so sweet and steady and loyal and enduring a nature that it will last through a whole lifetime — if not asked to lend money.”  Mark Twain 

 

An inspirational quote: 

“Believe in yourself, even if no one else does.”  Big Foot. 

 

A kid finds a magical lamp. He rubs the lamp, and a genie appears and says, “What is your first wish?” The kid says, “I wish I were rich!” The genie replies, “It is done! What is your second wish, Rich?”

 

A woman’s daughter brought a friend from school, and she said his great-great- great-grandfather was coming to pick him up later.

The mother was impressed and asked: "Does he know how his so many greats grandfather lived for so long?"
The daughter answered: "It's because of my friend's stutter."

 

A lady was walking past a pet store when a parrot said, “Hey, lady! You’re really ugly!” \The lady was furious and continued on her way. On the way home, she passed by the pet store again and the parrot once more said “Hey, lady! You’re really ugly!”

She was incredibly ticked now, so she went into the store and said that she would sue the store if the bird kept insulting her. The store manager apologized profusely and promised he would make sure the parrot didn’t say it again. The next day, she deliberately passed by the store to test the parrot. “Hey, lady!” it squawked,

“Yes?” She paused, waiting expectantly for the parrot.

“You know.”

Where there's a Will there's a JOW #1231

We just got around to updating our wills this week, which got me thinking about the whole subject of estate planning, and wills in general.  Actually, I don’t need a will.  Nobody does.  It’s your heirs that need a will to divvy up the stuff you have no further need of.  Here are a few jokes about wills and estate planning for the inevitable day they will be needed.

 

You know things are bad when the specialist your doctor recommends for you is an estate planner.

 

A rich man’s included the following proviso: ‘To my loyal estate planning attorney, I leave my children a complicated series of trusts that will generate huge legal fees.’

 

A 5th-grade math teacher poses the following problem to one of her classes:  

“A wealthy man dies and leaves 10 million dollars. One-fifth is to go to his wife, one-fifth to his son, one-sixth to his butler, and the rest to charity. Now, what does each get?”

After a very long period of silence in the classroom, one brave little boy raises his hand. And with complete sincerity, he said, “A lawyer!”

 

For poet Heinrich Heine, he vowed to give all his property to his widowed wife on one condition: she needed to remarry. While this might sound like a romantic way to encourage your widow to move on, it was far from it: his wife was known to be boring and incredibly vain. Heine actually stated that if she remarried “There will be at least one man who will regret my death.”

 

After my father passed away the priest told me that he would not get into heaven because greed had consumed his life.  But he told me that if I donated my inheritance to the church, the church could probably work something out.

 

An attorney gathers an entire family for the reading of their grandfather’s will. Relatives came from near and far to see if they were included, and they sat patiently as the lawyer somberly opened the will and began to read: 

“To my cousin Ed, I leave my ranch. 

To my brother Jim, I leave my money market accounts. 

To my neighbor and good friend, Fred, I leave my stocks. 

And to my cousin George, who always sat around and never did anything but wanted to be remembered in my will, I say, ‘Hi, George.’”

 

One day a man hears that a distant uncle passed away. He's a little sad, but only a little, for they barely knew each other. Then, a few days later, a package arrives. It contains his inheritance from the estate: A violin and a painting. He has no idea what to do with them. After pondering the matter, he takes them to an appraiser. Not too long later the appraiser calls him: "I've finished my analysis, and I've got some good news. There's no doubt at all that what you have is a genuine Van Gogh and a genuine Stradivarius."

The man is ecstatic: "I can sell these for millions!"

The appraiser says "Well, you can sell them, and they'll fetch some money for their novelty value. But not millions. You see, the truth is, Stradivarius wasn't much of a painter... and Van Gogh made lousy violins."

 

A young man asked an old rich man how he made his money.  The old guy fingered his vest and said, “Well, son, it was 1932. The depth of the Great Depression. I was down to my last nickel. “I invested that nickel in an apple. I spent the entire day polishing the apple and, at the end of the day, I sold the apple for ten cents.  The next morning, I invested those ten cents in two apples. I spent the entire day polishing them and sold them at 5:00 pm for 20 cents. I continued this system and after a month I’d accumulated $1.37.”

” And that’s how you built an empire?” the boy asked.

“Heavens no!” the man replied. “Then my wife’s father died and left us two million dollars.”

And finally, a cautionary tale.

Roger was very thin because he was afraid to spend a lot of money on food. He looked forward to the day when his grandfather would die and leave him a fortune.

His grandfather was blessed with both a sense of humor and a sense of justice. So he planned that when he finally died all he would leave to Roger was a cookie.
But what a cookie!
It was made with butter, churned from milk from a yak milked by a virginal milkmaid on the highest field on a hidden Himalayan peak next to the ultimate source of the sacred Ganges River.
It was made with flour harvested from plants of the single-grained Einkorn found growing on the site of a Neolithic Anatolian village and ground between millstones of Lapus Lazuli.
It was made from eggs collected from Peahen nests in the remotest marshes of outback Australia.
It was made from sugar boiled from a cane garden in a secret valley in New Guinea.
It was flavored with a vanilla pod from the mysterious and still sacred original Vanilla Vine found by the Totonac people when they arrived in the Mazatlán Valley on the Gulf Coast of Mexico in the 15th century.
It had added flavor, as well, with chocolate chips made from the beans of a Cacao tree found on the site of a previously undiscovered Mayan temple.
When Roger's grandfather died, the cookie was baked by Gordon Ramsey in a kitchen built exclusively for the purpose.
It was the most expensive cookie ever baked and its ingredients consumed the entire fortune.
The lawyers delivered the cookie to the anorexic Roger as his entire inheritance. Understandably, all the other relatives were more than a little put out and they paid Roger a visit.
They all wanted their share of the fortune, but they couldn't find it because it had disappeared into the thin heir.

 

 

Another Stupid JOW #1230

 I recently came across a new concept: Hanlon’s Razor: ‘That which is attributed to malice is more often adequately explained by stupidity.’  Nobody thinks they are the bad guy, but often the stupid things they do make others think they are.  And God knows there are a lot of stupid people out there. I do not fear artificial intelligence nearly as much as I fear human stupidity.  And there are stupid people everywhere.  To paraphrase the movie Sixth Sense “I see stupid people.  They’re all around me.  They don’t even know they are stupid.”  John Wayne warned that, “Life is hard.  It’s harder when you are stupid.”  Or George Carlin’s observation: The average person is pretty stupid, and half the people are stupider than that.  And yes, I admit that I have done some really stupid things in my life.  Here are some jokes about stupid people.

 

God must love stupid people; He made SO many of them.

 

What's the term for the number of stupid people in an area?

Duncity.

 

Only stupid people never change their minds.  I've always said that.

 

Been reading up on the thesaurus lately because a mind is a terrible thing to garbage.

 

I can't stand those stupid people who knock on your door and tell you how you need to be "saved" or you'll "burn".

Stupid firemen.

 

The oldest man in the world is lying on his deathbed.

A reporter asks him how he managed to live to be so old.
The man replies, "I just don't argue with stupid people."
The reporter tells him, "That's ridiculous."
The old man replies with, "Yes, you're right."

 

A few years back, a woman wanted to use the word acorns. What she wrote instead was egg corns, and ever since, linguists have had a new toy: ‘eggcorns’: words and phrases that people screw up.  Here are some examples of eggcorns:

• Social leopard (social leper)

• Mute point (moot point)

• Skimp milk (skimmed milk)

• Youthamism (euphemism)

•Holidays sauce Hollandaise sauce) 

 

A woman and her friend were out to lunch when the temperature drastically dropped. They stood by her friend’s truck, shivering, while the friend searched for a key to unlock the door. The woman asked, “Can’t we sit in the truck while you find your keys?”

 

While I was out to lunch, my coworker answered my phone and told the caller that I would be back in 20 minutes.

The woman asked, “Is that 20 minutes Central Standard Time?” 

 

Before Google, there were librarians. Here are some queries posed to the poor, suffering staff of public libraries:

• A woman wanted “inspirational material on grass and lawns.”

• “Who built the English Channel?”

• “Is there a full moon every night in Acapulco?”

• “Music suitable for a doll wedding to take place between a Shirley Temple doll and a teddy bear.”

• “Can the New York Public Library recommend a good forger?”

 

A friend of mine works at a tattoo shop. A client walked in and got a sentence tattooed on his back. A few hours later, the customer called, demanding a refund. 

Client: You did my tattoo backward! 

Tattoo artist: It’s backward? 

Client: Yes! I’m looking at it in the mirror right now!

 

A woman called the Colorado State Division of Wildlife regarding a snake in her backyard. 

“Can you tell me what kind it is?” she asked. “Can you describe it?” 

“Yes,” she said. “It’s long and thin.”

 

A Twitter exchange between an angry customer and an apologetic Domino’s Pizza: Customer: Yo! I ordered a Pizza & it came with no Toppings on it or anything, It’s Just Bread. 

Domino’s: We’re sorry to hear about this! 

Customer (minutes later): Never mind, I opened the pizza upside down. 

 

A woman didn’t do as well on her driver’s-ed test as she’d hoped. It might have had something to do with how she completed this sentence: “When the ______ is dead, the car won’t start.” She wrote: “Driver.”

 

Student: I don’t understand why my grade was so low. How did I do on my essay? 

Teacher: Actually, you didn’t turn in an essay. You turned in a random assemblage of sentences. In fact, the sentences you apparently kidnapped in the dead of night and forced into this violent and arbitrary plan of yours clearly seemed to be placed on the pages against their will. Reading your paper was like watching unfamiliar, uncomfortable people interacting at a cocktail party that no one wanted to attend in the first place. You didn’t submit an essay. You submitted a hostage situation.

 

And finally, here is an article from a few years back.

WANTED FOR ATTEMPTED MURDER (actual AP headline)

Linda Burnett, 23, a resident of San Diego, was visiting her in laws, and while there, she went to a nearby supermarket to pick up some groceries.
Several people noticed her sitting in her car with the windows rolled up and with her eyes closed, with both hands behind the back of her head. One customer who had been at the store for a while became concerned and walked over to the car.
He noticed that Linda's eyes were now open, and she looked very strange. He asked her if she was okay, and Linda replied that she'd been shot in the back of the head and had been holding her brains in for over an hour.
The man called the paramedics, who broke into the car because the doors were locked, and Linda refused to remove her hands from her head. When they finally got in, they found that Linda had a wad of bread dough on the back of her head.
A Pillsbury biscuit canister had exploded from the heat, making a loud noise that sounded like a gunshot, and the wad of dough hit her in the back of her head. When she reached back to find out what it was, she felt the dough and thought it was her brains. She initially passed out, but quickly recovered and tried to hold her brains in until someone noticed and came to her aid.
And, yes, Linda is a blonde.

 

 

Tasteless JOW #1229

Usually, my jokes are pretty clean.  The JOW has standards; they are low, but they are standards…of a sort.  This week my jokes are close to the bottom of those standards.  Some of these jokes might be considered mean, some are naughty, and a few are as close to scatological as I go with my jokes.  All of them are pretty tasteless So here we go with some pretty tasteless jokes for this week. 

 

My grandfather has the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban at the zoo.

 

What do you call a nose with no body? No body nose.

 

Don't break anybody's heart; they only have one. Break their bones; they have 206.

 

Five out of six people agree that Russian Roulette is safe.

 

How did the blonde try to kill the bird?? She threw it off a cliff.

 

A teacher asks her class what their favorite letter is. A student puts up his hand and says 'G.' The teacher walks over to him and says, "Why is that, Angus?"

 

An elephant and a camel are talking. The elephant asks, "Why do you have boobs on your back?"

The camel replies, "Ha! That's a funny question coming from an animal with a penis hanging from his face."

 

Two bats are hanging upside down on a branch. One asks the other, "Do you recall your worst day last year?"

The other responds, "Yes, the day I had diarrhea!"

 

Beer Bottle: You break me, you get one year of bad luck!

Mirror: You kiddin' me? You break me, then y'all get seven years of bad luck!

Condom: Hahaha... (Condom walks off laughing)

 

Farmer Bob goes to see his friend Pete. He finds Pete in his barn dancing naked around his John Deere. "What are you doing!" asks Bob.

Pete stops dancing & says, "My wife has been ignoring me lately, so I talked to my psychiatrist, and he said I needed to do something sexy to a tractor."

 

A man and a woman are sleeping together when suddenly there is a noise in the house, and the woman rolls over and says, "It's my husband, you have to leave!"

The man jumps out of bed, jumps through the window, crawls through the bushes, and out on the street, when he realizes something.

He goes back to the house and says to the woman, "Wait, I'm your husband!"

She replies giving him a dirty look, "So why did you run?"

 

A husband asks his wife, "Will you marry after I die?"

The wife responds, "No, I will live with my sister."

The wife asks him back, "Will you marry after I die?"

The husband responds, "No, I will also live with your sister."

 

A man started to have erection difficulties. His girlfriend and he had different ideas as to what the problem was: she bought him some Viagra and he bought her a treadmill.

 

Man: "Wanna hear a joke about my penis? Oh, never mind, it's too long."

Woman: "Want to hear a joke about my vagina? Never mind, you'll never get it."

 

There was a papa mole, a momma mole, and a baby mole. They lived in a hole out in the country near a farmhouse. Papa mole poked his head out of the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell sausage!"

Momma mole poked her head outside the hole and said, "Mmmm, I smell pancakes!"

Baby mole tried to stick his head outside but couldn't because of the two bigger moles. Baby mole said, "The only thing I smell is molasses."

 

Two tall trees, a birch and a beech, are growing in the woods. A small tree begins to grow between them, and the beech says to the birch, "Is that a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The birch says he cannot tell, but just then a woodpecker lands on the sapling. The birch says, "Woodpecker, you are a tree expert. Can you tell if that is a son of a beech or a son of a birch?"

The woodpecker takes a taste of the small tree and replies, "It is neither a son of a beech nor a son of a birch; it is, however, the best piece of ash I have ever poked my pecker into." 

 

There are five cows on a farm, one mamma cow and four baby calves. The first baby walks up to the mom and asks, "Momma, why is my name Rose?"

The mommy cow replies, "Well honey, a rose petal fell on your head when you were born."

The next calf comes up and asks,

"Momma, why is my name Lily?" The mother replies, "Because honey, a lily petal fell on your head when you were born."

The final baby walks over and says, "Duh huh guh nuh!"

The momma cow says, "Shut up, Cinderblock."

 

A man and woman were divorcing and decided to get some counseling from their pastor.

“A divorce means you will have to split all your possessions, everything you have equally.”

“No problem, said the man.”

“What about your cars?”

“Easy.  We have two. She can have the SUV.”

“But you only have one house.”

“We can sell it and split the money.”

“But you have three children. You both love them all equally.  How will you split them?”

The couple shifted a bit, thinking of the old story of Soloman dividing a child.

Seeing an opening the Pastor thought he could see a way to keep the couple together.

‘Why don’t you try to have another child together?  Then, if after you have another child, and you can’t make the marriage work and finally divorce, you could each get two of them.”  He leaned back confident he had made a point.

The wife looking bored replied, “No.  If I had to count on him to make a baby I wouldn’t have the three I’ve got.”