Counseling JOW #1345

  Lots of young people go for advice these days to a wide variety of counselors who are, in many cases, troubled themselves. I will admit that I have a pretty low opinion of the Counselor Industry.   I admit that the Counselor Industry does provide jobs to traditionally underemployed people with degrees in psychology, sociology, gender studies, and similar soft college majors.  I, myself have never had counseling from a professional.  I am a Boomer.  Like other from my generation, we got our counseling from our parents, family, and friends who understood our particular kind of crazy.  Most of my jokes this week involve not just counseling, but martial counseling because that also involves the eternal battle of the sexes and thus there is more material to work with.

 

Marriage counselor: ‘Your partner allows you to make independent decisions?’

Husband: *looks at wife*

Wife: *nods*
Husband: ‘Yes, of course’

 

My friend gave me the phone number for an Anger Management Counselor the other day

I admit, I lost it

 

My marriage counselor told me to try anything my wife wants to do for at least 10 minutes.

She asked me to hold my breath.

 

My counselor told me to image that I was an oak tree.  Then she told me we could get to the roots of my problem.

 

My grief counselor suddenly died. Fortunately, he was so good at what he did that I don't care.

 

A flat chested wife went with her husband to see a marriage counsellor.

The counsellor asked them; "What seems to be the problem?"
"Well," the man said, "Dolly Parton here thinks I'm too sarcastic."

 

A couple goes to the chamber of a marriage counselor...

The counselor asks the man, "So, can you tell me what started your problems?"
The man replies. "It started off a trivial thing. I just said to her, "Julia, darling can you bring me a glass of water?"
The counselor says, "Julia, what do you say?"
The woman replies, "My name is not Julia"

 

Husband says to marriage counselor:
"My wife is so immature."
"Can you give me an example?" the counselor asked.
"Well, like every time I'm taking a bath she comes in and sinks all my ships."

 

Two related jokes.

Marriage Counselor: Your wife says you never buy her flowers.

Husband: To be honest I didn't even know she sold them.

 

A husband and wife were having marital problems. They decided the best thing to do would be to seek the advice of a marriage counselor. The counselor interviews them for several hours and then gives them his advice.
"The main problem I see is that you two do not show appreciation towards each other. Every once in a while, you have to show your spouse that you care about them. For instance," he turned to the husband, "what is your wife's favorite type of flower?"
The husband turned to his wife, gently clasped her hand and said "It's Pillsbury. Right, dear?"

 

A young man was in love with two women and could not decide which of them to marry. Finally, he went to a marriage counselor. When asked to describe his two loves, he noted that one was a great poet and the other made delicious pancakes...

"Oh." said the counselor. "I see what the problem is. You can't decide whether to marry for batter or verse."

California required Notice: The following joke may contain puns.

A husband and wife visit a marriage counselor. First, the wife speaks to the counselor alone.

The counselor asks her, “You say you’ve been married 20 years. So, what seems to be the problem?”
“The wife replies, “It’s my husband. He’s driving me crazy! I’m going to leave him if he continues!”
“How does he drive you crazy?”
“For 20 years,” she says, “he’s been doing these stupid things.
First, whenever we go out, he’s always looking at the floor and refuses to go near anyone. It’s very embarrassing.”
The marriage counselor is amused, “Anything else?”
“He keeps picking his nose all the time! Even in public!”
“Hmm, anything else?”
The wife hesitates, “Whenever we’re making love, he NEVER lets me be on top! Once in a while, I’d like to be in control!”
“Ah,” says the counselor, “I think I’ll talk to your husband now.”
So the wife goes out of the room and the husband says to the counselor, “For years I’ve been loving and considerate and I’ve always given her what she wants! What could be the problem?”
The counselor explains, “She says you’ve got these habits that are driving her crazy. First, you’re always acting strange in public—looking at the floor and never going near anyone else.”
The husband looks concerned, “Oh, you don’t understand! It’s one of the few things my father told me to do on his deathbed and I swore I’d obey everything he said.”
“What did he say?”
“He said that I should never step on anyone’s toes!”
The counselor looks amused, “Actually, that means that you should not do anything that would cause anyone else to get angry.”
The husband looks sheepish, “Oh. Okay.”
The counselor continues, “And you keep picking your nose in public.”
“Well, it’s another thing my father specifically commanded me to do! He told me to always keep my nose clean.”
The counselor smiles. “That just means you should stay out of trouble.
And,” he continued, “finally, she says that you never allow her to be on top during your lovemaking.”
“This,” says the husband, “is the last thing my father commanded me to do on his deathbed, and it’s the most important thing.”
“What did he say?”
The husband replies, “With his dying breath, he said, ‘Don’t screw up.’”

 

Jumbled JOW #1344

I like to have a theme for my jokes of the week.  I tend to remember jokes by subject, so having a theme helps. 

BTW, if you need jokes on a topic I have a web page listing my JOWs.  Here is the link:    https://www.blogger.com/blog/posts/4189613065377812203

It only goes back to 2008, but there are a bunch of jokes there. Feel free to use them. 

Here are a few unrelated jokes that I have rattling around my brain.  Enjoy.

 

What do you call a bear without any teeth?

A gummy bear.

 

The blue whale is so big that if you laid it end to end on a basketball court, the game would be canceled.

 

What do you call a fly with no wings?

A walk.

 

The book 'I, Robot' is about sentient robots, but did you know it has a sequel about sentient submarines?

It's called 'U, boat'

 

I had a dream last night that I wrote Lord of the Rings - I was Tolkien in my sleep.

 

My friends and I started a business where we weigh tiny items

It's a small-scale operation

 

Why wasn't the vet worried when I took my teenaged kangaroo in for an operation?

Because it was just roo teen surgery.

 

If a woman heard trumpets indicating Christ’s return and most would frantically begin cleaning the house.

 

I love putting on warm underwear fresh from the dryer. Plus, it’s fun to look around the laundromat and try to guess who they belong to.

 

A family man is called to book a room at a hotel.

He asks the receptionist if the pornography is disabled.

To which she replied, "No. We just have regular pornography, you pervert."

 

Why does Waldo wear a striped shirt?

Well, he sure doesn't want to be spotted

 

I never go me a round tuit so I am getting a custom tuit

 

Two wrongs don’t make a right, but two Wrights did make an airplane

 

If it weren't for the police and the laws of physics I would be unstoppable

 

I got a book titled ‘A Guide to Surgical Procedures’.

I opened it up and the appendix was missing.

 

I bought the book titled "How to beat procrastination" to fix my procrastinating habit.

It's been 5 months already and I haven't opened that book yet.

 

The only 15 letter word that can be spelled without repeating a letter is uncopyrightable.

Which is a shame, because I was hoping to use it as a book title.

 

What's the most common operation in a LEGO hospital?

Plastic surgery.

 

“My doctor says I should quit drinking.”

“That will be a major change in your life.”

“I know.  He has been my doctor for ten years.”

 

How many times do you have to tickle an octopus to make it laugh?

Ten tickles

Of course, an octopus only has eight

The other two were test-teckles.

 

What do you call the game Operation without the batteries?

Autopsy

 

I had an operation on my funny bone....

Doctor said I'll be in stitches for two weeks.

 

At my funeral, I want somebody to throw one of the bouquets of flowers to the crowd of mourners and see who catches it.

 

Remember when the words ‘truth’ and ‘facts’ didn’t need ampersands around them?

 

For a lot of people, a penny for your thoughts is overpriced.

 

A man went to a tobacconist to purchase some fine cigar only to discover that it was now a clothing store. 

Clothes, but no cigar.

 

What’s the difference between a jungle cat who wrote a PhD thesis on the economic effects of taxation, and the order of insects that include butterflies and moths?
One’s a leopard doctor of tax economy, the other’s a lepidopteral taxonomy.

 

A plastic surgeon and a tattoo artist made a deal, where the surgeon did a breast enhancement operation for free for the tattoo artist, and in return she promised to tattoo the surgeon for free.

Tit for tat

 

A teenaged boy bought a pack of condoms for the first time…
He saw the price was $10, but when he went to pay it the register rings it up as $10.65.
“Why the extra 65 cents about?” He asks.

 “It’s for the tax.”
“Ah. I was wondering how you keep these things on.”

 

“Halt!” shouted the drill instructor. He had noticed that, for the umpteenth time, a recruit kept going to his right on a left command. Our instructor approached the directionally challenged Marine and stomped on his left foot.

“Now,” he said, “when I say ‘left,’ it’s the one that hurts.” 

 

At a local match between two European soccer teams a spectator suddenly found himself in the thick of dozens of flying bottles.

'There's nothing to worry about, lad,' said the elderly chap standing next to him. 'It's like the bombs during the war. You won't get hit unless the bottle's got your name on it.'

'That's just what I'm worried about,' said the fan. 'My name's Johnny Walker.’

And to wrap it up

A woman had seven dogs. Her husband was sick of having so many dogs.

He went away on a business trip, but before he left he put his foot down. No more dogs!
But the woman couldn't control herself when she saw a cute little dog she just had to have.
"Well," she thought, "I'll just call him up and pretend I'm confessing to some infidelity or something. He'll be so relieved to find out it's not an infidelity; he won't care about dog number eight"
She called him up at his hotel.
"Honey," she said, "we have to talk. You've got to forgive me, I don't want this to be the end of our marriage, but you're gone so often, and I just got lonely, and I've been working so hard, and the combination of being tired and being lonely, I mean, I just got weak, honey! I just got weak! Really, I didn't mean to hurt you! You've got to forgive me, honey! You've got to forgive me! Please, honey, please!"
He says:
"Don't tell me you bought another dog."

 

Published JOW #1343

 As most of you know I write books.  My last novel, Jac and the Princess, a sword and romance novel was well received.  My publisher just released my latest book, Sir Jac and the Queen.  It is obviously a sequel to my earlier book with both my protagonists moving up in the world.  My wife Ruth also illustrated this one.  It is available with either color or black and white illustrations.  To order a copy, just go to Amazon and type in ‘Sir Jac and the Queen’, or ‘Thos Pinney’ and you can order your very own copy in hardcover, softcover, or Kindle. 

In acknowledgement of my new book, my jokes this week are mostly about books and publishing.  I hope you enjoy them.

 

Publishing is the only industry where “getting a rejection” means you’re making progress.

 

My book was accepted for publication, but the editor asked me to cut 80,000 words. Apparently, “Once upon a time” was too much setup.

 

An author, an editor, and a proofreader walk into a bar. The bartender says, “Please keep it under 80,000 words.”

 

I’ve just received another rejection letter from a publisher regarding my autobiography.

That’s the story of my life

 

I shoved my manuscript between my thighs and walked away with my tale between my legs

 

Publishing a book is easy: write it, revise it, submit it, wait six months, and pretend the rejection email didn’t hurt.

 

The librarian asked me “Are you sure you want to borrow all those books? You don’t want to over due it.”

 

After a year of waiting, my publisher finally approved my book on growing herbs.

It's about Thyme.

 

I recently read a book about the Black Death

I am afraid the author was guilty of plaguerism.

 

"I bought a self-published book from my friend that's truly awful," said my wife.

"That's mean," I replied. "I'm sure she's actually a nice person."

 

I found a recently published book by my favorite author; he’s been dead for years.

I have a feeling it was ghost written.

 

There is a new way of publishing jokes. You can now add smell to all the jokes and rate them according to their odor.  From now on no joke will be published without their scents of humor.

 

After many years, my father finally got his book, "Important Moments in Hydroelectric Power" published.  It’s about dam time.

 

I ordered a book called "How to scam people online" two months ago.

It still hasn't arrived yet.

 

A student asked why is ‘War and Peace’ so thick?"

His teacher told him “It’s a long story"

 

Russia's Ministry of Culture renamed Tolstoy's most famous book.

It's now called "Special Military Operation and Peace"

 

Don't give me excuses, I wrote the book on excuses!

Well, I started to, but I mean, it’s hard, and I got a lot to do...

 

I've been reading a book on pet euthanasia.

It's so good I can't put it down.

 

I read a science fiction book where people drill for mercury as a power source.

It was by Hg Wells.

 

Someone stole my thesaurus today.

I don’t have the words to describe how I am feeling right now.

 

A book I've been reading about brown bears spends way too long describing them.

It includes all of the grizzly details.

 

I just finished reading a book about the history of WD-40.

It was non friction.

 

What's the difference between a math book and a chemistry book?

One has problems, and the other has solutions.

 

Recently I read a book called The Anticlimax.

The second part was disappointing

 

I asked my friend, “Did you hear about the book about Sherlock Holmes’ son?”

Friend: What son?
Me: No. That’s his doctor sidekick.

 

My neighbor just finished writing a book on "How to make money."

Now he needs money to publish it.
I told him to read the book

 

I found a book at the bookstore which said "How to solve 50% of your problems"

So, I bought two

 

Did you hear about the dog that writes books? Probably not, all he has is a ruff draft.

 

Writers are always cold because they’re surrounded by so many drafts.  One time, my teacher said, “Name two pronouns.” I answered, “Who, me?”

Can we all agree to leave writing poetry to the prose?

 

I had a friend in the publishing industry who made calendars, but I had to end our friendship.  He was always getting hung up on little things and telling me that our days were numbered. I've turned the page.

I hear he's dating someone now though.

 

Here are a few related grammar jokes:

 

I before E

Except when you run a weird heist on a feisty foreign overweight neighbor wearing beige.

 

What happened when the semicolon broke grammar laws?

It was given two consecutive sentences.

 And to wrap things up

On his 75th birthday, a man was given a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate was for consultation with an Indian medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a simple cure for erectile dysfunction. The husband went to the reservation and saw the medicine man.
The old Indian gave him a potion and, with a grip on his shoulder, warned ‘This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful and then say: ‘1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more virile than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform for as long as you want.”
The man thanked the old Indian, and as he walked away, he turned and asked: “How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say, ‘1-2-3-4,' he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon.”
He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.
When she came in, he took off his clothes and said: "1-2-3!” Immediately, he was the manliest of men.
His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes and asked: "What was the 1-2-3 for?”
And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

App ropriate JOW #1342

 Applications are a major feature of our modern digital world.  Apps are everywhere and are almost always annoying.  Why do I need to have a different app to park in every little town? I loathe restaurants where you have to scan an icon to open the menu on your phone.  What is next, an app to use elevators? Restrooms? I used to hear that drug dealers would offer me free drugs until I got addicted to them, then they would charge me extremely high prices for it once I got addicted.  Looking at the App Store on my phone, I think all those drug dealers turned into app developers. 

Let me stop ranting and provide you with some jokes about apps.

 

There is an app that lets you know which of your friends are racist.

It's called 'Facebook'

 

App store motto: “Helping you procrastinate more efficiently since day one.”

 

 Social media apps are like a magician—they make your free time disappear!

 

“You’ve reached your daily limit of procrastination. Consider this your digital time-out.”

 

What's captain hook's least favorite app?

Tiktok

 

What do you call an app for shopping for bras?

Brawser

 

I've ordered some German food through a mobile app.

The sauerkraut has arrived, but the wurst is yet to come.

 

A grandfather thinks TikTok is an app used to tell time.

It kind of is, because that definitely tells us how old he is.

 

Amazon needs a new app

An audio book app with videos of sign language.

We’ll call it   "inAudible".

 

Social media apps have the best memory—they remind you of embarrassing posts from years ago.

 

There’s a new video app for people with no parents, it’s called OrFans.

 

What is Harry Potter’s favorite new app?

Spellcheck

 

Shopping apps are like magicians—they make your money disappear with just a tap.

 

There are too many gadgets on these new cars.  I just wanted to reverse, and all it is showing me is a video of someone getting run over.

 

I tried installing a calendar app but accidentally installed a colander.

It keeps draining my battery.

 

My banking app isn't working!

I called their customer support, and they said we can try deleting your cache!
I was like hell no!

 

Told my friend to use multiple dating apps to find a partner because she doesn’t believe in love at first site

 

I asked my app out, but it said it needed more space.

 

And of course there are dating apps.

I’ve decided to launch a brand-new dating app exclusively for Paleontologists.

I’m going to call it ‘Carbon Dating’.  Or maybe “Cinder”

 

Dating apps can be confusing.  Apparently "must be an animal lover" can mean something else entirely.

 

I used to use a Halloween themed dating app

I left because I kept getting ghosted.

 

Women on dating apps must be giving me compliments all the time

I keep hearing: “You are unmatched"

 

What dating app did the pirate create?

Shiver Me Tinder

 

What dating app is exclusively for people working in bars

BarTinder

 

Bald Dating is a dating app for bald people that's completely free...

You don't have toupee.

 

What's the most popular dating app?

Google calendar

 

I developed a successful chicken social network app to make more money.

I didn’t do it for the glory I did it to make hens meet.

 

They say the machines of the future will be as smart as people.  Okay, but which people?  Because it matters quite a lot.

 

A woman was going out on a blind date and was nervous about it.  Her roommate told her about this phone app.

"It's called “Mom! Are you OK?” it puts a button on your display which you can press and then a couple of minutes later your phone will ring, and the display will say MOM. So, if you get there and your date looks a bit creepy you just touch the button, put your phone away, and then when the phone goes you can pick it up and say 'Mom! Are you OK?' and there's your excuse for you to leave."
So the downloaded it and went off on her date.  About an hour later she returned to her apartment looking upset.

Her roommate asked, "Hi, how did it go?"
"Awful!" she wailed. "I'd only been there fifteen minutes.  I thought it was going great, and then his phone rang and he answered it and he said 'Mom! Are you OK?' "

And finally

Two yetis matched on a dating app one day. One was American, the other. In spite of American Yeti’s peculiarities and the yawning physical gap between them, they hit it off. Having gone back and forth for a little while, American Yeti asks European Yeti for a picture. European Yeti happily obliges. “Wow, you’re really tall! You must be like, 3.3 times my height!” said the American Yeti. European Yeti, the preening male that he is, thanks American Yeti for the compliment and thinks nothing of it. He shrugs off the “3.3 times my height” remark as a mis approximation, assuming that American Yeti's mathematical skills have been addled from juggling too many yards, inches, pounds, and ounces.
Now, a quirk of this dating app is that no names are displayed on the outset- a security measure against would be Instagram stalkers, one supposes. American Yeti and European Yeti, now wanting to take the next step together, agree to exchange phone numbers and names. American Yeti told European Yeti her name was Bigfoot.

“What’s your name?” asks Bigfoot.
“Bigmeter”