Applications are a major feature of our modern digital world. Apps are everywhere and are almost always annoying. Why do I need to have a different app to park in every little town? I loathe restaurants where you have to scan an icon to open the menu on your phone. What is next, an app to use elevators? Restrooms? I used to hear that drug dealers would offer me free drugs until I got addicted to them, then they would charge me extremely high prices for it once I got addicted. Looking at the App Store on my phone, I think all those drug dealers turned into app developers.
Let
me stop ranting and provide you with some jokes about apps.
There
is an app that lets you know which of your friends are racist.
It's
called 'Facebook'
App
store motto: “Helping you procrastinate more efficiently since day one.”
Social
media apps are like a magician—they make your free time disappear!
“You’ve
reached your daily limit of procrastination. Consider this your digital
time-out.”
What's
captain hook's least favorite app?
Tiktok
What
do you call an app for shopping for bras?
Brawser
I've
ordered some German food through a mobile app.
The
sauerkraut has arrived, but the wurst is yet to come.
A
grandfather thinks TikTok is an app used to tell time.
It
kind of is, because that definitely tells us how old he is.
Amazon
needs a new app
An
audio book app with videos of sign language.
We’ll
call it "inAudible".
Social
media apps have the best memory—they remind you of embarrassing posts from
years ago.
There’s
a new video app for people with no parents, it’s called OrFans.
What
is Harry Potter’s favorite new app?
Spellcheck
Shopping
apps are like magicians—they make your money disappear with just a tap.
There
are too many gadgets on these new cars.
I just wanted to reverse, and all it is showing me is a video of someone
getting run over.
I
tried installing a calendar app but accidentally installed a colander.
It
keeps draining my battery.
My
banking app isn't working!
I
called their customer support, and they said we can try deleting your cache!
I was like hell no!
Told
my friend to use multiple dating apps to find a partner because she doesn’t
believe in love at first site
I
asked my app out, but it said it needed more space.
And
of course there are dating apps.
I’ve
decided to launch a brand-new dating app exclusively for Paleontologists.
I’m
going to call it ‘Carbon Dating’. Or
maybe “Cinder”
Dating
apps can be confusing. Apparently
"must be an animal lover" can mean something else entirely.
I
used to use a Halloween themed dating app
I
left because I kept getting ghosted.
Women
on dating apps must be giving me compliments all the time
I
keep hearing: “You are unmatched"
What
dating app did the pirate create?
Shiver
Me Tinder
What
dating app is exclusively for people working in bars
BarTinder
Bald
Dating is a dating app for bald people that's completely free...
You
don't have toupee.
What's
the most popular dating app?
Google
calendar
I
developed a successful chicken social network app to make more money.
I
didn’t do it for the glory I did it to make hens meet.
They
say the machines of the future will be as smart as people. Okay, but which people? Because it matters quite a lot.
A
woman was going out on a blind date and was nervous about it. Her roommate told her about this phone app.
"It's
called “Mom! Are you OK?” it puts a button on your display which you can press
and then a couple of minutes later your phone will ring, and the display will
say MOM. So, if you get there and your date looks a bit creepy you just touch
the button, put your phone away, and then when the phone goes you can pick
it up and say 'Mom! Are you OK?' and there's your excuse for you to
leave."
So the downloaded it and went off on her date.
About an hour later she returned to her apartment looking upset.
Her
roommate asked, "Hi, how did it go?"
"Awful!" she wailed. "I'd only been there fifteen minutes. I thought it was going great, and then his
phone rang and he answered it and he said 'Mom! Are you OK?' "
And
finally
Two
yetis matched on a dating app one day. One was American, the other. In spite of
American Yeti’s peculiarities and the yawning physical gap between them, they
hit it off. Having gone back and forth for a little while, American Yeti asks
European Yeti for a picture. European Yeti happily obliges. “Wow, you’re really
tall! You must be like, 3.3 times my height!” said the American Yeti. European
Yeti, the preening male that he is, thanks American Yeti for the compliment and
thinks nothing of it. He shrugs off the “3.3 times my height” remark as a mis
approximation, assuming that American Yeti's mathematical skills have been
addled from juggling too many yards, inches, pounds, and ounces.
Now, a quirk of this dating app is that no names are displayed on the outset- a
security measure against would be Instagram stalkers, one supposes. American
Yeti and European Yeti, now wanting to take the next step together, agree to
exchange phone numbers and names. American Yeti told European Yeti her name was
Bigfoot.
“What’s
your name?” asks Bigfoot.
“Bigmeter”
