Happy 5770 JOW

Well, here it is 5770 already; Rosh Hashanah will be celebrated on September 18 this year. In recognition of this minor Jewish holiday, my JOW will be on Jewish humor; there is a huge body to choose from. These are mostly of the Jewish American flavor. That means not too many esoteric references. I do have some classic Jewish Mother jokes, Chinese food references, and a couple based on Bar Mitzvahs. Good stuff. Enjoy─


One day a Jewish man wakes up late for a new job interview. He quickly takes a shower, eats breakfast, and gets into his car. When he finally gets there he can't find any parking places. He looks and looks, but he just doesn't find one. Finally he prays to God and says. "Elohim, if you find me a parking spot I will go to the temple every Saturday morning and I will never lie again." Two minutes later he finds one and says, "Never mind I found one!"


An older Jewish gentleman was on the operating table awaiting surgery and he insisted that his son, a renowned surgeon, perform the operation. As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
"Yes Dad, what is it?"
"Don't be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn't go well, if something happens to me your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife...."


A Jewish man called his mother in Florida. He said to his mother, "How are you doing?"
She said, "Not too good. I've been very weak."
The son then asked, "Why are you so weak?"
She said, "Because I haven't eaten in 18 days four hours."
The son then asked, "Why you haven't eaten in 18 days four hours!?"
She said, "Because I didn't want my mouth to be filled with food when you called."


"I had the strangest dream last night," a man was telling his psychiatrist. "I saw my mother, but when she turned around to look at me, I noticed that she had your face. And you can imagine, I found this very disturbing, and in fact I woke up immediately, and couldn't get back to sleep. I just lay there in bed waiting for morning to come, and then I got up, drank a Coke, and came right over here for my appointment. I thought you could help me explain the meaning of this strange dream."
The psychiatrist was silent for a full minute before responding: "A Coke? That's a breakfast?"


So one guy starts telling a joke to his friend: "Mandelbaum and Rosenstern were talking one day..."
Right away, his friend interrupts him, "Always with the Jewish jokes! Give it a rest! Why do they always have to be about Jews? Just change the names to another ethnic group for once!"
So he starts again, "Hashimoto and Suzuki were talking one day at their nephew's Bar Mitzvah..."


A Jewish man and a Chinese man were conversing.
The Jewish man commented upon what a wise people the Chinese are.
"Yes," replied the Chinese, "Our culture is over 4,000 years old. But, you Jews are a very wise people, too."
The Jewish man replied, "Yes, our culture is over 5,000 years old."
The Chinese man was incredulous, "That's impossible," he replied, "where did your people eat for a thousand years?


Two wasps buzz around what's left of a rose bush. "How was your summer?" asks wasp number one. "Not too good," says wasp two. "Lotta rain, lotta cold. Not enough flowers, not enough pollen."
The first wasp has an idea. "Hey, why don't you go down the corner and hang a left? There's a bar mitzvah going on; there will be plenty of flowers and fruit."
Wasp number two buzzes, "Thanks!" and takes off.
An hour later, the wasps bump into each other again.
"How was the bar mitzvah?" asks the info-wasp.
"Great!" says buddy-wasp.
The first wasp peers at his pal and wonders, "What's that on your head?"
"A yarmulke," is the answer. "I didn't want them to see that I was a wasp."