Patience of Job Interview

“Adversity has the effect of eliciting talents which in prosperous circumstances would have lain dormant.”- Horace. I am still waiting for some useful talents to show up because prosperity is certainly been dormant lately. I did have a good match at the State Pistol Championships this weekend; I competed to the best of my ability. I was in the largest division- the Sharpshooters Classification, shooting standard 9 mm pistols. There were 30 competitors in my Division. Unfortunately one of them was REALLY good. He beat me by a comfortable margin. “Accept that some days you’re the pigeon and some days you’re the statue.”- Roger C. Anderson I finished second; however I did well enough to get bumped up in my classification from Sharpshooter to Expert. This does not trouble me; I scored better than all the Expert shooters except one and he got bumped into the Masters level.
Between my search for gainful employment and Labor Day, I thought I would share some job search jokes, specifically some comments by job applicants.

A man posted a sign in his shop window: ‘Help wanted. Must know Work, Excel, and be Bi-Lingual.”
A dog comes by and examines the sign. He comes inside, takes the sign in his mouth, takes it to the owner and puts it on his desk.
“Woof.”
The owner is amused. “So you want the job do you?”
“Woof.”
“Well, you have to know Word.”
The dog immediately goes to a terminal and using his paws begins to type away.
The owner is amazed. “Well,” he finally said, “You gotta do Excel, too.”
“Woof,” and the dog brings up a spreadsheet and starts doing data entry.
“I can’t hire a dog,” protested the astonished owner.
“Woof?”
“Because the job requires you to be bi-lingual,” he explained pointing at the sign.
The dog looks at the man, grins and says, “Meow.”

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If you apply for a job at IKEA do they tell you to “Make a chair and take a seat?”

Here is bizarre behavior reported about people interviewing for a job; I believe most of them.
• Said he was so well qualified [that] if he didn't get the job, it would prove that the company's management was incompetent.
• Stretched out on the floor to fill out the job application.
• Brought her large dog to the interview.
• She wore a Walkman and said she could listen to the music and me at the same time.
• Balding candidate abruptly excused himself. Returned to office a few minutes later wearing a hairpiece.
• Applicant challenged interviewer to arm wrestle.
• Asked to see interviewer's resume to see if the personnel executive was qualified to judge the candidate.
• Announced she hadn't had lunch and proceeded to eat a hamburger and French fries in the interviewer's office.
• Without saying a word, candidate stood up and walked out during the middle of the interview.
• Man wore jogging suit to interview for position as financial vice president.
• Said if he were hired, he would demonstrate his loyalty by having the corporate logo tattooed on his forearm.
• Interrupted to phone his therapist for advice on answering specific interview questions.
• Wouldn't get out of the chair until I would hire him. I had to call the police.
• When I asked him about his hobbies, he stood up and started tap dancing around my office.
• Had a little pinball game and challenged me to play with him.
• Bounced up and down on my carpet and told me I must be highly thought of by the company because I was given such a thick carpet.
• Pulled out a Polaroid camera and snapped a flash picture of me. Said he collected photos of everyone who interviewed him.
• Candidate asked me if I would put on a suit jacket to insure that the offer was formal.
• While I was on a long-distance phone call, the applicant took out a copy of Penthouse, and looked through the photos only, stopping longest at the centerfold.
• During the interview, an alarm clock went off from the candidate's briefcase. He took it out, shut it off, apologized and said he had to leave for another interview.
• A telephone call came in for the job applicant. It was from his wife. His side of the conversation went like this: "Which company? When do I start? What's the salary?" I said, "I assume you're not interested in conducting the interview any further." He promptly responded, "I am as long as you'll pay me more." I didn't hire him, but later found out there was no other job offer. It was a scam to get a higher offer.
• Asked why she was interested in changing jobs, the woman replied "I really like to shop. And the shopping in midtown is much better than the shopping on Long Island.
• One fellow listed his mother as a reference. They called her. She said, "I wouldn't hire him; he's not very dependable."

These quotes are taken from real résumés and cover letters and were printed in the July 21, 1997 issue of Fortune Magazine. (Note: all typographical errors, etc., are as intended.)
• "I demand a salary commiserate with my extensive experience."
• "I have lurnt Word Perfect 6.0 computor and spreadsheet progroms."
• "Received a plague for Salesperson of the Year."
• "Reason for leaving last job: maturity leave."
• "Wholly responsible for two (2) failed financial instutions."
• "Failed bar exam with relatively high grades."
• "It's best for employers that I not work with people."
• "Let's meet, so you can 'ooh' and 'aah' over my experience."
• "You will want me to be Head Honcho in no time."
• "Am a perfectionist and rarely if if ever forget details."
• "I was working for my mom until she decided to move."
• "I have an excellent track record, although I am not a horse."
• "I am loyal to my employer at all costs....Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail."
• "I have become completely paranoid, trusting completely no one and absolutely nothing."
• "My goal is be a meteorologist. But since I possess no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokeridge."
• "I procrastinate, especally when the task is unpleasant."
• "Personal interests: donating blood. Fourteen gallons so far."
• "As indicted, I have over five years of analyzing investments."
• "Instrumental is ruining entire organization for a Midwest Chain store."
• "Note: Please don't misconstrue my 14 jobs as 'job-hopping'. I have never quit a job."
• "Marital Status: often. Children: various."
• "Reason for leaving last job: They insisted that all employess get to work by 8:45 am every morning. I couldn't work under those conditions."
• "The company made me a scapegoat, just like my three previous employers."