School Daze JOW

It is September and school has started. The beginning of school is way more important than this weekend’s Texas State Pistol Championship. Not only that, mentioning said championship would probably jinx me from a possible trophy. And there are way more jokes about school then shooting.
So that is why my JOW this week has a definite scholarly bent.

A child comes home from his first day at school.
His Mother asks, "Well, what did you learn today?"
The kid replies, "Not enough. They want me to come back tomorrow."

Stressing the importance of a good vocabulary, the teacher told her young charges, "Use a word ten times, and it shall be yours for life."
From somewhere in the back of the room, came a small male voice chanting, "Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda, Amanda."

The little boy wasn't getting good marks in school. One day he fearfully approached his teacher and said ..."I don't want to scare you, but my daddy says if I don't get better grades, somebody is going to get a spanking."

Things have changed since I was in school.

Forty years ago: Miss Lichtig received an apple from an anonymous student and showed it to her fellow teachers.
Today: Ms. Lichtig receives a package from an anonymous student and shows it to the bomb squad.

Forty years ago: Ed Navis, the class clown, was caught reading Playboy.
Today: Ms. McMahon, the art teacher, is caught posing for Playboy.

Forty years ago: Nurse Dweezel treated the fifth grade's first case of whooping cough.
Today: Nurse Dweezel treats the fifth grade's first case of morning sickness.

Forty years ago: students found mercury, lead and cobalt on the periodic table.
Today: students find mercury, lead and cobalt in the drinking water.

Forty years ago: classes began with "Show and Tell.
Today: classes begins with “Stop and Frisk.”

Some of you are aware my third book is almost done. I can hardly wait so I can resume work on my third book. That means I have to start thinking about writing again. Here are some rejected analogies.

• They lived in a typical suburban neighborhood with picket fences that resembled Nancy Kerrigan's teeth.
• He caught your eye like one of those pointy hook latches that used to dangle from screen doors and would fly up whenever you banged the door open again.
• The little boat gently drifted across the pond exactly the way a bowling ball wouldn't.
• McBride fell 12 stories, hitting the pavement like a Hefty Bag filled with vegetable soup.
• From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you're on vacation in another city and "Jeopardy" comes on at 7 p.m. instead of 7:30.
• Her hair glistened in the rain like nose hair after a sneeze.
• Her eyes were like two brown circles with big black dots in the center.
• John and Mary had never met. They were like two hummingbirds who had also never met.
• The thunder was ominous-sounding, much like the sound of a thin sheet of metal being shaken backstage during the storm scene in a play.
• His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a dryer without Cling Free.

And in conclusion, an English university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing the following elements:
1) Religion 2) Royalty 3) Sex 4) Mystery

The prize-winner wrote:

"My God," said the Queen,
"I'm pregnant. I wonder who the father is?"