Redneck JOW

Martha sent me some redneck humor. Poor rednecks, they and blondes are about the only group it is safe to make fun of anymore. But I have to acknowledge, those are my roots. And speaking of roots,
Who invented the toothbrush?
A Redneck!! (If it had been invented by anyone else, it would have been a teeth brush)

Rednecks have a rich cultural life. They even have poetry. Here are a few examples of Redneck haiku

A NEW MOON
Flashlights pierce darkness
No nightcrawlers to be found
Guess we'll gig some frogs

ALONE
Seeking solitude
Carl's ex-wife Tammy files fer
Restraining order

BEAUTY
Naked in repose
Silvery silhouette girls
Adorn my mudflaps

OPTIONS
Unemployment's out.
Hey, maybe I can git on
Disability

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How do you know when you're staying in a Redneck motel?
When you call the front desk and say, " I gotta leak in my sink, and the clerk replies ....."Well, go ahead."

………………………………………..
At the police station, Bubba explained to the police officer why his cousins shot him.
"Well," Bubba began, "We wuz havin' a good time drinking, when my cousin Ray picked up his shotgun and said, 'Hey, der ya fellows wanna go hunting?'"
"And then what happened?" the officer interrupted.
"From what I remember," Bubba said, "I stood up and said, 'Sure, I'm game.'"

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A man is driving down a country road when he spots a farmer standing in the middle of a huge field of grass. He pulls the car over to the side of the road and notices that the farmer is just standing there, doing nothing, looking at nothing.
The man gets out of the car, walks all the way out to the farmer and asks him, "Ah excuse me mister, but what are you doing?"
The farmer replies, "I'm trying to win a Nobel Prize."
"How?" asks the man, puzzled.
"Well I heard they give the Nobel Prize to people who are out standing in their field."


What do a Divorce in Alabama, a Tornado in Kansas and a Hurricane in Florida have in common?
Somebody's fixin' to lose them a house trailer.

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A redneck came home and found his house on fire, rushed next door, telephoned the fire department and shouted, "Hurry over here. My house is on fire!"
"OK," replied the fireman, "how do we get there?"
"Say, don't you still have those big red trucks?"

But wait, there’s more!

A redneck and his gal were embracing passionately in the front seat of the car.
"Want to go in the back seat?" she asked.
"No," he replied.
A few minutes later she asked, "Now do you want to get in the back seat?"
"No," he said again, "I wanna stay here in the front seat with you."

Finally, Jeff Farnsworth has made a very good living doing his “You might be redneck if…” routine. It is a funny bit because all too often you have either 1) met the criteria or 2) known someone who has.

You might be a redneck if:

-You need one more hole punched in your card to get a freebie at the House of -Tattoos.
-You have ever financed a tattoo.
-You move your refrigerator and the grass underneath it has turned yellow.
-You mow your lawn and find a car.
-Going to the bathroom in the middle of the night involves putting on shoes and grabbing a flashlight.
-Taking a dip has nothing to do with water.
-There are several lawsuits currently pending against your dog.
-You take a fishing pole to Sea World.
-The hood and one door are a different color from the rest of your car.
-You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
-Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
-The receptionist checks the rat traps at your place of business.
-More than one living relative is named after a Southern Civil War general.
-You think the stock market has a fence around it.
-Your boat has not left the driveway in 15 years.
-Your coffee table used to be a telephone cable spool.
-You keep a can of Raid on the kitchen table.
-You've ever used a toilet seat as a picture frame.
-Your Christmas tree is still up in February.
-You think that potted meat on a saltine is an hors d'ouvre.
-There is a stuffed possum anywhere in your house.
-You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
-You own a homemade fur coat.
-Your momma has "ammo" on her Christmas list.