Another Old JOW

Since I have somehow managed to survive my entry into old age I can now make fun of the elderly from the other side. Old people are second only to the battle of the sexes as a source of wonderful jokes. Here are a few.

Seven seniors, all in their eighties, were staging their bi-weekly poker game when suddenly, the guy they called “Happy” because he never smiled, and who was down more than three hundred dollars on the night, shouted “Holy Crap” and fell dead face first on the table.
There was a moment of surprised silence, then the guy next to him checked Happy’s pulse.
“He’s dead.” After a quick look around the table, he added “Happy folds.”
All six shuffled their way to a standing position in honor of their fallen poker buddy and in a unanimous vote, decided it was only fitting to finish the hand.
As the cards were being shuffled for the next hand the guy they called, “Big Dave”, because he was only five foot three, suggested that someone had to tell Happy’s wife Dora. As no one volunteered, they decided to draw cards – the lowest had to communicate the bad news.
The guy they called “Sammy” because his name was Samuel, drew a two of spades – he would be the messenger.
”For god’s sake take it easy when you tell Dora ─ don’t be too direct ─ ease into it. Dora can be pretty hot sometimes,” ordered the guy they called “Hammer” because he has a permanent blue colored finger after smashing it with a hammer some ten years ago.
After the game had wrapped up for the night, Sammy went over to see Dora. When she answered the door, Sammy, in a soft apologetic voice said, “Happy just lost three hundred dollars in the Poker game."
”Tell him to drop dead.”Dora screamed.
”I’ll deliver the message.”

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An elderly couple was attending church services, about halfway through she leans over and says, “I just had a silent fart what you think I should do?"
He replies "Put a new battery in your hearing aid."

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Many of us "Old Folks" (those over 60) are quite confused about how we should present ourselves. We're unsure about the kind of image we are projecting and whether or not we are correct as we try to conform to current fashions. I have determined that despite what you may have seen on the streets, the following combinations DO NOT go together and should be avoided:
• A nose ring and bifocals
• Spiked hair and bald spots
• A pierced tongue and dentures
• Miniskirts and support hose
• Ankle bracelets and corn pads
• Speedo's and cellulite
• A belly button ring and a gall bladder surgery scar
• Unbuttoned disco shirts and a heart monitor
• Midriff shirts and a midriff bulge
• Bikinis and liver spots
• Short shorts and varicose veins
• Inline skates and a walker
And last, but not least . my personal favorite:
• Thongs and Depends
Please keep these basic guidelines foremost in your mind when you shop for us.

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Now that I am an old fart I find:
I'm the life of the party...... even if it lasts until 8 p.m.
I'm very good at opening childproof caps... if you give me a hammer.
I'm usually interested in going home before I get to where I am going.
I'm smiling all the time because I can't hear a thing you're saying.
I'm very good at telling stories; over and over and over and over...
I get compliments on my alligator shoes while barefoot.
I'm sure everything I can't find is in a safe secure place, somewhere.

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Finally, some memorable quotes about old age:

• Youth would be an ideal state if it came a little later in life. ~ Herbert Henry Asquith
• I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap. ~ Bob Hope
• We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. ~ Will Rogers
• Don't worry about avoiding temptation ...As you grow older, it will avoid you. ~ Winston Churchill
• Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty.....But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out. ~ Phyllis Diller
• The cardiologist's diet: If it tastes good ... spit it out. ~ Unknown
• By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere. ~ Billy Crystal

Thos. Pinney