Thankful JOW

Thanksgiving is upon us. Travel and Thanksgiving go together like turkey and cranberry sauce. The airports are already getting congested and gas stations are hiking prices in anticipation of the annual great migration; like wildebeests masses of us move great distances in search of food. The latest news is that passengers are finally beginning to kick back at the latest ridiculous and ineffective efforts by the government bureaucrats at TSA (Touching, Squeezing, and Annoying). Every time we hear of some ridiculous plot, (the shoe bomber, the aftershave plot, the underwear bomber) TSA reacts by overreacting. We are the only country to make people take off their shoes, not even the highly-security conscious Israelis do that. And why do we make people remove their foot gear? Because it is a “government policy” and those things have a half life measured in generations. I can almost hear the terrorists cackling in their caves now. “Hey, let’s get some fool to put some explosives in his underwear. That will really drive all those effete people who wear underwear crazy.” Underwear bombs – really. Clearly the TSA wasn’t considering the size of underwear worn by women these days – I doubt if a thong-sized bomb would have enough explosive to pop a balloon. On the other hand, I have seen a few large women here in Texas whose underwear could probably disable an Abrams tank. I only hope TSA has not learned of the suicide bomber who slipped past security by secreting a bomb up his nether regions.
But enough of my rant on the enormous and ineffective federal bureaucracy that has sprung up to badger air travelers. Here are some Thanksgiving and Traveling jokes for the season.

PROPOSED NEW TSA SLOGANS

• Can't see London, can't see France, unless we see your underpants.
• If we did our job any better, we'd have to buy you dinner first.
• Only we know if Lady Gaga is really a lady.
• Don't worry, my hands are still warm from the last guy.
• Throw a few back at the airport bar and you won't even notice what we are doing.
• We've handled more balls than Barney Frank
• We are now free to move about your pants
• It's not a grope. It's a ‘freedom pat’.
• We handle more packages than the USPS
• No Shirt, No Shoes, No Problem
• Let Our fingers do some walking
• Reach out and grope someone
• Can you feel me now?
• Grope discounts available.

Now for some airline humor in the form of flight attendant announcements:

• "There may be 50 ways to leave your lover, but there are only 4 ways out of this airplane..."
• "Your seat cushions can be used for flotation, and in the event of an emergency water landing, please take them with our compliments."
• "We'd like to thank you folks for flying with us today. And, the next time you get the insane urge to go blasting through the skies in a pressurized metal tube, we hope you'll think of us here at US Airways."
• "Weather at our destination is 50 degrees with some broken clouds, but they'll try to have them fixed before we arrive. Thank you, and remember, nobody loves you, or your money, more than Southwest Airlines."

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For the few people who still travel by rail

A train was crossing America. After they had gone some distance one of the engines broke down. "No problem," the engineer thought, and carried on at half power.
Farther on down the line, the second engine broke down, and the train slowed to a dead stop. The engineer decided he should inform the passengers about why the train had stopped, and made the following announcement:
"Ladies and gentlemen, I have some good news and some bad news. The bad news is that both engines have failed, and we will be stuck here for a while. The good news is that you decided to take the train and not fly."
………………..

If you travel by car- an observation:
"Thanks to the interstate highway system, it is now possible to travel across the country, from coast to coast, without seeing anything." -Charles Kuralt


Some Turkey humor

Back in the early ‘80s my very country grandmother got her first microwave oven. She decided to try and cook the Thanksgiving turkey the new modern way. After carefully reading the instructions she put the bird into the microwave and started it up.
Even a microwave takes a while to cook a turkey. While the bird was cooking Big Momma was called to the phone. While she was talking her adult sons switched the turkey with a Cornish Game Hen.
Big Momma come back and peered into the glass front of the microwave expecting to see her big old turkey to be almost done. She looked at the diminutive bird cooking in her newfangled microwave and shook her head.
“I guess I left it in too long,” she announced, “it shrunk.”
The boys all thought that was hilarious. But the joke was on them. She never cooked anything else in that microwave again.
…………………………………

A professional NFL team, the Philadelphia Eagles, had just finished their daily practice session when a large turkey came strutting onto the field. While the players gazed in amazement, the turkey walked up to the head coach and demanded to be given a chance to play at tight end.
Everyone stared in silence as the turkey caught pass after pass and ran right through the defensive line. When the turkey returned to the sidelines, the coach shouted, 'You're superb. Sign up for the season, and I'll see to it that you get a huge bonus.'
'Forget the bonus,' replied the turkey, 'What I want to know is, does your season go past Thanksgiving Day?'

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Thos. Pinney