Quotable JOW

We all have our moments when we say something clever. Unfortunately most of the time we think of something clever to say about five minutes after it is too late. Life is like that. So we try to remember cleaver quotes to use instead of making up our own. Of course attribution is often a problem. I have heard all sorts of people given credit for sayings I thought were said by someone else.
Just for the record I can only think of two somewhat amusing sayings that I can personally claim as mine:

• It is easier to get a poor man to donate his last dollar than to get a dime from a rich one.
• It is not your legs that are the first thing to go, it is your sense of pride.

But before I get into my humorous quotations I should put in a joke. Since it is Veteran’s Day, here is an old veteran’s joke:
Four retired veterans are walking down the street. When they see a sign that says "Veterans Bar," they go in. The bartender asks what they will have and they all ask for a martini.
He delivers the drinks and says, "That will be 40 cents," They can't believe their good luck.
They finish the drinks and order another round and the bartender again says, "That will be 40 cents."
This whets their curiosity, so they ask the bartender, "How can you afford to serve martinis for a dime apiece?"
The bartender replies, "I guess you've seen the decor here. Well, I am a retired Navy Master Chief and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the lottery for $45 million and decided to open this place for real veterans. Every drink costs a dime -- wine, liquor, beer all the same."
They notice four guys at the end of the bar who haven't ordered anything.
They ask, "What's with them?"
The bartender says "Oh, those are retired Air Force Colonels, they are waiting for Happy Hour!"

Now to the quotable observations:

Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.

If life deals you lemons, make lemonade; if it deals you tomatoes, make Bloody Marys.

I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

There is great need for a sarcasm font.

These MapQuest and Google maps are great but when they provide directions, they really need to start their directions from about step 4 or so. I'm pretty sure I know how to get out of my own neighborhood.

Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

Bad decisions make good stories.

You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment when you know that you just aren't going to do anything productive for the rest of the day.

I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to take their call.

I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with beer than Kay.

How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?

I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars team up to prevent a jerk from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers and sisters!

The first testicular guard, the "cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
Pity thoughts:
OK...so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags"
and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs",
What does that make the Tennessee Titan ?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks
so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

Before they invented drawing boards, what did they go back to?

Consistency is the final refuge of the unimaginative─the only truly consistent people are dead

Everyone is entitled to be stupid, but some of us abuse the privilege