Manly JOW

I have a manly JOW this week. I start with a couple of unrelated jokes before I get into some observations about men, ending with a “Manliness Quotient” multiple choice test.

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Accountants claim restaurants often have problems with their books since there is no accounting for taste
…………………………..

As they wait for the bus, Mother says to little Johnny, "Tell the driver you're four years old
so you can ride for free."
As they get into the bus the driver asks Johnny, “How old are you?"
"I am four years old."
"And when will you be five years old?"
"When I get off the bus."

Understanding Men

• All men hate to hear, "We need to talk about our relationship." These seven words strike fear in the heart of even Rambo; (especially Rambo).
• Men like to barbecue. Men will cook if danger is involved.
• Most men hate to shop. That's why the men's department is usually on the first floor, two inches from the door.
• Men forget everything; women remember everything. Think about it! How many women's sports use something called an "instant replay?" Of course how many women remember Babe Ruth's lifetime ERA (2.28) or Johnny Damon's batting average in 2005 (.316)
• Men are self-confident because we grow up identifying with superheroes and sports stars. Women have bad self-images because they grow up identifying with Barbie.
• No man is charming all of the time. Even Cary Grant is on record saying he wished he could be Cary Grant.
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Here is a simple multiple choice test to see rate your “manliness-factor”
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Alien beings from a highly advanced society visit the Earth, and you are the first human they encounter. As a token of intergalactic friendship, they present you with a small but incredibly sophisticated device that is capable of curing all disease, providing an infinite supply of clean energy, wiping out hunger and poverty, and permanently eliminating oppression and violence all over the entire Earth.
You decide to:
A. Present it to the President of the United States.
B. Present it to the Secretary General of the United Nations.
C. Take it apart.

As you grow older, what lost quality of your youthful life do you miss the most?
A. Innocence.
B. Idealism.
C. Cherry bombs.

You have been seeing a woman for several years. She's attractive and intelligent, and you always enjoy being with her. One leisurely Sunday afternoon the two of you are taking it easy. You're watching a football game; she's reading the papers when suddenly, out of the clear blue sky, she tells you that she really loves you, but and can no longer bear the uncertainty of not knowing where your relationship is going. She says she's not asking whether you want to get married; only whether you believe there is some kind of future together.
What do you say?
A. That you sincerely believe the two of you do have a future, but you don't want to rush it.
B. That although you also have strong feelings for her, you cannot honestly say that you'll be ready anytime soon to make a lasting commitment, and you don't want to hurt her by holding out false hope.
C. That you cannot believe the Broncos called a draw play on third and seventeen.

Okay, so you have decided that you truly love a woman and you want to spend the rest of your life with her, sharing the joys and the sorrows the world has to offer, come what may. How do you tell her?
A. You take her to a nice restaurant and tell her after dinner.
B. You take her for a walk on a moonlit beach, and you say her name, and when she turns to you, with the sea breeze blowing through her hair and the stars in her eyes,
you tell her.
C. Tell her what?

What is the human race's single greatest achievement?
A. Democracy.
B. Religion.
C. The remote control.

In the company of feminists, coitus should be referred to as:
a) Making love together
b) Screwing
c) The pigskin bus pulling into tuna town

You should make love to a woman for the first time only after you’ve both shared:
a) Your views about what you expect from a sexual relationship
b) Your blood-test results
c) Five tequila slammers

You time your orgasm so that:
a) Your partner climaxes first
b) You both climax simultaneously
c) You don’t miss Sports Center

Passionate, spontaneous sex on the kitchen floor is:
a) Healthy, creative love-play
b) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend would ever agree to
c) Not the sort of thing your wife/girlfriend need ever find out about

Spending the whole night cuddling a woman you’ve just had sex with is:
a) The best part of the experience
b) The second best part of the experience
c) $100 extra

Your girlfriend says she’s gained five pounds in weight in the last month. You tell her that it is:
a) Not a concern of yours
b) Not a problem - she can join your gym
c) A conservative estimate

You think today’s sensitive, caring man is:
a) A myth
b) An oxymoron
c) A moron

Foreplay is to sex as:
a) Appetizer is to entree
b) Priming is to painting
c) A queue is to an amusement park ride

Which of the following are you most likely to find yourself saying at the end of a relationship?
a) "I hope we can still be friends."
b) "I’m not in right now. Please leave a message after the tone...."
c) "Welcome to Dumpsville. Population: You."

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If you answered ‘A’ more than 7 times, check your pants to make sure you really are a man.

If you answered ‘B’ more than 7 times, you may need therapy, you’re still a little confused.

If you answered ‘C’ more than 7 times, call me up. Let’s go drinking.


Tom