Dog Days JOW

We are in the Dog Days of summer, and what a summer it has been – it is both the hottest and driest year here since they began keeping records. Whew! In recognition of these Dog Days (named for the Dog Star, Sirius) I am offering a few ‘shaggy dog’ jokes along with some quotes about dogs and a couple of semi-related other offerings. Enjoy, and remember, hydrate and use sunscreen (except for Nancy and Stephen – they live in Seattle).

Dog Quotes
• Did you ever walk into a room and forget why you walked in? I think that's how dogs spend their lives. Sue Murphy
• If there are no dogs in Heaven, then when I die I want to go where they went. Will Rogers
• I loathe people who keep mean dogs. They are cowards who haven't got the guts to bite people themselves. August Strindberg
• Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend; inside of a dog, it's too dark to read. Groucho Marx
These shaggy dog jokes are better read aloud than read; try reading them out loud and see.
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Once there was a circus that was without a doubt the best circus in the world because it boasted the best lion tamer in the world. He was spectacular, the lions would do whatever he said; the high point of course was that he would stick his head in a lion's mouth.
When the circus started losing money the owner started selling off animals and equipment to help meet expenses. He called the Lion Tamer into his office.
"I'd really like to keep you on, because you are our best act," the owner said. "But I've had to sell your lions because they cost too much to feed. Still, you're good, and we need you, so if you can come up with an act with what we have left, you've got a job."
"Well, I do need a job," the Lion Tamer said. "What animals do you have left?"
"Well, to tell you the truth," the owner said, "the only animal I have left is my faithful old Bassett hound. I'd never sell him!"
"I'll take him," said the Tamer.
So the Lion Tamer worked with the Bassett hound and taught him the entire lion act. The dog caught on right away, but there was a problem: no way was the Lion Tamer's head going to fit into the dog's mouth.
"My foot will fit," the Lion Tamer said, so he tried it, and sure enough the dog picked that up too.
Opening night, the Lion Tamer did the act with the Bassett hound, and the crowd loved it. They'd never seen anything like it before. At the end of the act, when the Lion Tamer put his foot into the dog's mouth, the crowd went wild.
"Encore, encore!" the crowd yelled.
Well, the Lion Tamer hadn't thought of an encore before, so he thought to himself, "If one foot is good, two is better."
So he stuck his other foot into the dog's mouth. Well, the two feet together are almost as big as the dog's head, so the dog was choking and gasping, and finally out of self-preservation, he clamped his jaws shut, biting off the Lion Tamer's legs at mid-calf.
And the moral of this story....?

Don't put all your legs in one Bassett.
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A mother dog gave birth to twins, whom she named In and Out.
One day In was out, so she asked Out, "Out go out and find In, In's out and I want him in; I've been looking for In outside for ages, I can't find In; he is out so go out find In and bring him in. I think In has been rolling in something rotten."
"What?" said Out.
"In's out, so Out go out find In and bring him in. I think In has been in something disgusting so go find In; I want In in, Out go out and bring In in, if you can find him."
So Out goes out to look for his brother In. Within seconds of leaving, he comes back with In in tow.
His mother asks "Out, how did you find In so quickly?"
He shrugged and replied:

"In stinkt."

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Once upon a time, there were 2 brothers, Simon and Garth Brown. They had a dog called Walter, and they loved to take the dog Walter to their Uncle Charlie's mansion at the edge of town.
But one day, as they arrived at the mansion, they were surprised to find that the gates were locked and they couldn't get in. Fortunately, just then, Uncle Charlie's tall chauffeur appeared at the mansion door and began walking toward the trio at the gates.
However, the dog Walter took a sudden dislike to the tall chauffeur, and began barking and growling, making a huge noise. Neighbors leaned out of the windows of their mansions (the dog really was making a lot of noise) and asked what the hubbub was; one of the neighbors replied:

"Simon and Garth's uncle's big chauffeur's troubled Walter."
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A dog-related non-groaner

A man is taking a walk in Central park in New York. Suddenly he sees a little girl being attacked by a pit bull dog. He runs over and starts fighting with the dog. He succeeds in killing the dog and saving the girl's life.
A policeman who was watching the scene walks over and says, 'You are a hero, tomorrow you can read it in all the newspapers, 'Brave New Yorker saves the life of little girl'.
The man says, 'But I am not from New York.'
'Oh , then it will probably say, "Brave American saves life of little girl",' the policeman answers.
'But I am not exactly an American,' says the man.
'Oh, what are you then?'
'The man says: - 'Well, originally I am from Iran.'
The next day the Fox ‘News’ leading story was: 'Islamic extremist kills American dog.'

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A non-dog groaner

A debt collector knocked on the door of a country family that made their living weaving cloth.
"Is Jack home?" he asked the woman who answered the door.
"I’m sorry," the woman replied. "Jack's gone for cotton."
A few weeks later the collector tried again. "Is Jack here today?"
Once again the answer was "No, sir, I'm afraid he has gone for cotton."
When he returned for the third time and Jack was still nowhere to be seen, he complained, "I suppose Jack is gone for cotton again?"
"No," the woman answered solemnly, "Jack died yesterday."
Suspicious that he was being avoided, the collector decided to wait a week and investigate the cemetery himself. But sure enough, there was poor Jack's tombstone, with this inscription: ...

"Gone, But Not for Cotton."

And in conclusion here is a famous personal ad in the Atlanta Constitution

SINGLE BLACK FEMALE seeks male companionship, ethnicity unimportant. I'm a very good looking girl who LOVES to play. I love long walks in the woods, riding in your pickup truck, hunting, camping and fishing trips, cozy winter nights lying by the fire. Candlelight dinners will have me eating out of your hand. Rub me the right way and watch me respond. I'll be at the front door when you get home from work wearing only what nature gave me. Kiss me and I'm yours. Call (404) 874-7421 and ask for Petra.
Over 10,000 men found themselves talking to the Atlanta Humane Society about a black Labrador puppy.

Tom