Golfing JOW

The drought in Texas continues, but there are signs of it breaking up; there have even been some floods. In a mere 37 minutes, from 5:24 PM to 6:01 PM, Midland International Airport recorded more than twice the total amount of rain than had fallen during the previous 319 days, dating back to September 26, 2010. John Nielsen-Gammon, the Texas State Climatologist, cautioned that the 0.36″ of rain Midland received in 37 minutes yesterday was still not sufficient to break the drought.
“It’s a very good start,” he said. “And the additional hundredth we received an hour later was really the icing on the cake. Just twenty-two more “flooding events” like this one and Midland will be back up to normal precipitation for the year.”

Since it is still golfing season, I thought I would put in a few jokes about one of the few sports that has always escaped me; perhaps I should say that I have escaped – golf.

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The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.
"Is the word spelt p-u-t or p-u-t-t"'' she asked the instructor.
"P-u-t-t is correct,'' he replied.
"Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing."

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A young man who was an avid golfer found himself with a few hours to spare one afternoon. He figured if he hurried and played very fast, he could get in nine holes before he had to head home. Just as he was about to tee off an old gentleman shuffled onto the tee and asked if he could accompany the young man as he was golfing alone. Not being able to say no, he allowed the old gent to join him.
To his surprise the old man played fairly quickly. He didn't hit the ball far, but plodded along consistently and didn't waste much time. Finally, they reached the 9th fairway and the young man found himself with a tough shot. There was a large pine tree right in front of his ball - and directly between his ball and the green.
After several minutes of debating how to hit the shot the old man finally said, "You know, when I was your age I'd hit the ball right over that tree."
With that challenge placed before him, the youngster swung hard, hit the ball up, right smack into the top of the tree trunk and it thudded back on the ground not a foot from where it had originally lay.
The old man offered one more comment, "Of course, when I was your age that pine tree was only three feet tall."

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The room was full of pregnant women and their partners. The Lamaze class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe properly, and informing the men how to give the necessary assurances at this stage of the plan.
"Ladies, exercise is good for you," announced the teacher. "Walking is especially beneficial. And, gentlemen, it wouldn't hurt you to take the time to go walking with your partner!"
The room was very quiet. Finally, a man in the middle of the group raised his hand.
"Yes" asked the instructor.
"Is it all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"

Martha send me these immutable Golf Laws
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LAW 1:
No matter how bad your last shot was, you should have Inner Peace knowing that a worse one is yet to come. This law does not expire on the 18th hole, since it has the supernatural tendency to extend over the course of a tournament, a summer and, eventually, a lifetime.
LAW 2:
Your best round of golf will be followed almost immediately by your worst round ever. The probability of the latter increases with the number of
people you tell about the former.
LAW 3:
Brand new golf balls are water-magnetic. Though this cannot be proven in the lab, it is a known fact that the more expensive the golf ball, the greater its attraction to water. Expensive clubs have been known to be partly made with this most unusual natural alloy.
LAW 4:
Golf balls never bounce off of trees back into play. If one does, the tree is breaking a law of the universe and should be cut down.
LAW 5
The higher a golfer's handicap, the more qualified he deems himself as an instructor.
LAW 6
A golfer behind you who hits his ball into your group will always be bigger than anyone in your group. Likewise, a group you accidentally hit into will consist of a football player, a professional wrestler, a convicted murderer and an IRS agent -- or some similar combination.
LAW 7:
Golf balls from the same box tend to follow one another, particularly out of bounds or into the water. See LAW 3.
LAW 8
The last three holes of a round will automatically adjust your score to what it really should be.
LAW 9
Golf should be given up at least monthly.
LAW 10:
All vows taken on a golf course shall be valid only until sunset.
LAW 11:
Since bad shots come in groups of three, your fourth consecutive bad shot is really the beginning of the next group of three.
LAW 12:
It's surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you're lying 8.
LAW 13:
Counting on your opponent to inform you when he breaks a rule is like expecting him to make fun of his own haircut.
LAW 14
Nonchalant putts count the same as chalant putts.
LAW 15:
The shortest distance between any two points on a golf course is a straight line that passes directly through the center of a very large tree.
LAW 16:
You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10% of the time, and a 2-inch branch 90% of the time.

Finally, my wise sister Dianne sent me these wise quotes for the JOW

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I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased to read the description in the catalogue: - 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'
- Eleanor Roosevelt
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Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that statement..
- Mark Twain
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The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending; and to have the two as close together as possible
- George Burns
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Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.
- Victor Borge
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Be careful about reading health books.. You may die of a misprint.
- Mark Twain
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By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.
- Socrates
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I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.
- Groucho Marx
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I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.
- Zsa Zsa Gabor
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Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food groups: alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.
- Alex Levine
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My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.
- Rodney Dangerfield
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Money can't buy you happiness ..... But it does bring you a more pleasant form of misery.
- Spike Milligan
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Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP .
- Joe Namath
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I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my nap.
- Bob Hope
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I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it..
- W. C.. Fields
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We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress.
- Will Rogers
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Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid you.
- Winston Churchill
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Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty .. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out...
- Phyllis Diller
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By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go anywhere.
- Billy Crystal
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Tom