Hot Dry JOW

Most of you are aware that it has been hot and dry in Texas. We are used to the hot, but not like this. Past summers would sometimes feature a few days of 100 degree heat – every day this month has been hotter than that. We just set an all time record for most consecutive days over 100 and there is no relief in sight. This year will almost certainly be the hottest overall since records have been kept. What is worse is that it has been so dry. Fourth of July celebrations were cancelled because of the extreme drought; since that time we have had only one good rain, about an inch. This is not a place used to doing without water; watching all the big trees dying is just heartbreaking. Martha says that some of the churches have had to make adjustments because of the Big Dry. The Baptists now sprinkle, Methodists are spitting, the Presbyterians take rain checks, and the Catholics are turning wine into water.

First a few short jokes to set the tone.
Two weathermen each broke an arm and a leg in an accident; they called from the hospital about the four casts.

Martha also passed on a warning about ice as a public service:
Vodka over ice will ruin your kidneys. Rum over ice will ruin your liver. Whiskey over ice will ruin your heart. Gin with ice will ruin your brain. Coke with ice will ruin your teeth. Warn all your friends: lay off the ice!!

How dry is it here?
• It’s so dry here the all the fish have ticks.
• So dry the birds are building their nests out of barbed wire.
• It’s so dry the Red Cross has launched a wet blanket appeal.
• It’s so dry you’re only permitted to eat watermelon between 8pm and 8am.
• It’s so dry the government has announced a water pistol buy back scheme.
• It’s so dry, that the dogs are marking their territory with chalk lines.
• It’s so dry they’ve had to close two lanes at the swimming pool.
• It’s so dry the river only runs twice a week and then it just sort of jogs.
• It’s so dry we people go rafting on hand trucks.

As I said, it has also been hot

As George got out of the shower he said to his wife “Honey, it’s too darned hot to wear clothes today, what do you think the neighbors will say if I mow the lawn naked”.
“That I married you for your money”.


The weather was very hot and a man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming trunks, but he was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water. After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. Very embarrassed he got out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby. He held the bucket in front of his private parts and sighed with relief.
The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move.
Then one of the ladies said: 'You know, I have a special gift, I can read minds.'
'Impossible', said the embarrassed man, 'You really know what I think?'
'Yes', the lady replied, 'Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom.'

…………………………………………………………
“I can’t believe it,” said the newcomer, “I’ve been in Houston for most of the summer and it’s been so hot and humid the whole time. When do you have breaks with periods of cool/dry conditions, as my parents told me happened in the early 2000’s?
“Well, that’s hard to say,” replied the local. “Last year, it was on a Wednesday.”

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I hate this hot weather; I have to keep my windows closed because all my neighbor’s kids do is scream. I'm seriously considering letting them go.

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Here is a little poem about Texas heat; it has been said that hell’s minions on earth get hardship pay for having to endure a summer here.

The devil wanted a place on earth
Sort of a summer home
A place to spend his vacation
Whenever he wanted to roam.

So he picked out Texas
A place both wretched and rough
Where the climate was to his liking
And the cowboys hardened and tough.

He dried up the streams in the canyons
And ordered no rain to fall
He dried up the lakes in the valleys
Then baked and scorched it all.

Then he ordered the sun to shine hotter,
Hotter and hotter still.
Until even the cactus wilted
And the old horned lizard took ill.

Then he gazed on his earthly kingdom
As any creator would
He chuckled a little up his sleeve
And admitted that it was good.

It was summer and Satan lay
By a prickly pear to rest.
The sweat rolled off his swarthy brow
So he took off his coat and vest.

"By Golly," he finally panted,
"I did my job too well,
I'm going back to where I came from,
Texas is hotter than Hell.

Finally on a totally unrelated note here is some wisdom passed on by my friend Dick
• If you can't be kind, at least have the decency to be vague.
• Accept the fact that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue!
• Always keep your words soft and sweet, just in case you have to eat them.
• Always read stuff that will make you look good if you die in the middle of it.
• If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it..
• It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others.
• Never buy a car you can't push.
• Never put both feet in your mouth at the same time, because then you won't have a leg to stand on.
• Since it's the early worm that gets eaten by the bird, so sleep late.
• And remember, the second mouse gets the cheese.
• When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
• Birthdays are good for you. The more you have, the longer you live.
• You may be only one person in the world, but you may also be the world to one person.
• Some mistakes are too much fun to make only once.
• We could learn a lot from crayons. Some are sharp, some are pretty and some are dull. Some have weird names and all are different colors, but they all have to live in the same box.
• A truly happy person is one who can enjoy the scenery on a detour.

Tom