Disasociated JOW

My JOW is always easier when I have a theme. This week, I do not and despite the fact that I am no longer ‘encumbered with employment’ I took way too long to put together this totally unrelated collection of various types of jokes. I hope you enjoy them.

This is one from Martha.

The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered.
"Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind. to tell him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her early 20's, then a circus ringmaster when in her 30's, and a preacher when in her 50's, and now in her 70's, a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."

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• I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.
• She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
• A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
• No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
• A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
• When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

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My friend Tom was in a pub the other night and saw two rather large girls by the bar.
They both had strange accents so he said, “Hello, are you two girls from Scotland?”
One of them screamed, “It's WALES you idiot!”
So he immediately apologized and said, “Sorry, are you two whales from Scotland?”
Looks like Tom is gonna be in that wheelchair for while yet.

…………………………………….

I tried to bake a cake the other day. I did not want a whole cake so I decided to cut the recipe in half. Unfortunately when it came time to whip up the batter I was there was not enough there to do it properly. The effort was a complete failure and I had to throw it all away.
I should have known – you cannot half your cake and eat it too.

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This one is from the Bali Man.

A DEA officer stopped at a ranch in Texas, and talked with an old rancher.
He told the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs."
The rancher said, "Okay, but you better not go in that field over there.....", as he pointed out the location
The DEA officer verbally exploded saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me !"


Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removed his badge and proudly displayed it to the rancher.
"See this badge?! This badge means I can go wherever I wish.... On any land!!
No questions asked or answers given!! Have I made myself clear......do you understand?!!"
The rancher nodded politely, apologized, and went about his chores.
A short time later, the old rancher heard loud screams, looked up, and saw the DEA officer running for his life, being chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......
With every step the bull was gaining ground on the officer, and it seemed likely that he'd sure enough get gored before he reached safety. The officer was clearly terrified.
The rancher threw down his tools, ran to the fence and yelled at the top of his lungs.....
"Your badge, show him your BADGE........ ! !"


Tom