Tax Free JOW

Tax day (and Tiffany’s birthday) are coming up on us again. Fortunately, this year we have everything in and done so we look upon the dreaded date with some aplomb. However for the rest of you here are some bits of tax humor. The term "tax humor" is no doubt an oxymoron to many people; to the more cynical, it is an apt description of the entire tax code. Some people say our government is spending like a drunken sailor on a spree. Of course, I take exception to people saying that. Speaking as a former drunken sailor, I always quit when I ran out of money.
Here, presented for your amusement is your Tax free JOW.
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• How is a mugger different from the Internal Revenue Service? Both take your money, but the mugger doesn't make you fill out forms.

• Why can't Americans do their own taxes? Because the federal Tax Code is out of control, that's why. It's gigantic and insanely complex, and it gets worse all the time. Nobody has ever read the whole thing. IRS workers are afraid to go into the same ROOM with it.


Dave Berry has had a lot to say about the IRS

• We'll try to cooperate fully with the IRS, because, as citizens, we feel a strong patriotic duty not to go to jail.
• April 15 is lurking around the corner, so if you have yet to file your federal tax return, it's time to set aside a few hours, gather together your financial records, and flee the country.
• I am thinking of such helpful IRS innovations as the Wrong Answer Hotline, wherein, if you're having trouble understanding a section of the IRS Secret Tax Code, all you have to do is call the IRS Taxpayer Assistance Program, and in a matter of seconds, thanks to computerized electronics, you are placed on hold for several hours before finally being connected to trained IRS personnel dispensing tax advice that is statistically no more likely to be correct than if you asked Buster the Wonder Horse to indicate the answer by stomping it in the dirt.
• And to you taxpayers out there, let me say this: Make sure you file your tax return on time! And remember that, even though income taxes can be a "pain in the neck," the folks at the IRS are regular people just like you, except that they can destroy your life.

The Late Night comedians love to joke about income taxes.

• "Two things you need to know about taxes. They've extended the deadline to April 18, and when you write your check, just make it out to China." –David Letterman
• "Yesterday President Obama said, 'We can't continue to treat tax money like monopoly money.' Oh really — how come all those guys on Wall Street got 'get out of jail free' cards?" –Jay Leno
• “The federal government has bailed out Wall Street, banks, and car companies. In fact, did you know there's a special box on your tax form this year you can check if you want a portion of your taxes to actually go to running the government?” –Jay Leno
• "The House passed a bill where there's a tax now of 90% on the bonuses that these people get. So, half the Republicans voted against this. They said this is exactly the kind of punitive taxation that's going to drive good people out of the fraud business." --Bill Maher

I think Jimmy Kimmel has had the most fun with the IRS.
• "Tax day is the day that ordinary Americans send their money to Washington, D.C., and wealthy Americans send their money to the Cayman Islands."
• "Every year, I include a piece of chicken in the envelope with my taxes. Not as a bribe, just a little treat for the guy at the IRS who opens it."
• "I'm not going to pay taxes. When they say I'm going to prison, I'll say no, prisons cost taxpayers a lot of money. You keep what it would have cost to incarcerate me, and we'll call it even."
• "Because of a holiday, the deadline for taxes is April 18, so you have three extra days to dig through restaurant dumpsters for receipts."
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Called in for an audit, Mr. Wood was confronted by a surly IRS agent. "It says here, Mr. Wood that you are a bachelor; yet you claim a dependent son. Surely this must be a mistake."
Looking him straight in the eye, Mr. Wood replied, "Yup, it surely was."


Tom