Gender Battle JOW

My topic this week is an easy one: the eternal battle between men and women. I have to admit that these tend to favor the women over the men because 1) those kind are easier to find, and 2) Tom often forwards these to my spousal unit, which is where my bread is buttered so to speak.
So, here they are – gender conflict presented as humor.
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Man says to God: "God, why did you make woman so beautiful?"
God says: "So you would love her."
"But God," the man says, "why did you make her so stupid?"
God says: "So she would love you."

My favorite woman’s tee shirt logo:

Objects Under This Shirt Are Larger Than They Appear.

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Dan was a single guy living at home with his father and working in the family business.
When he found out he was going to inherit a fortune after his sickly father died, he decided he needed a wife with which to share his fortune.
One evening at an investment meeting he spotted the most beautiful woman he had ever seen. Her natural beauty took his breath away.
"I may look like just an ordinary man," he said to her, "but in just a few years, my father will die, and I'll inherit $200 million."
Impressed, the woman obtained his business card.
Three weeks later, she became his stepmother.
Women are so much better at financial planning than men.

Some comments by women about men. These are all unfair or untrue. I think

Q. How many honest, intelligent, caring men in the world does it take to do the dishes?
A. Both of them.

Q. Why did the man cross the road?
A. He heard the chicken was a slut.

Q. Why don't women blink during foreplay?
A. They don't have time.

Q. Why does it take 1 million sperm to fertilize one egg?
A. They won't stop to ask directions.

Q. How does a man show that he is planning for the future?
A. He buys two cases of beer.

Q. What is the difference between men and government bonds?
A. The bonds mature.

Q. Why is it difficult to find men who are sensitive, caring and good looking?
A. They all already have boyfriends.

Q. What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night?
A. A widow.

Q. Why are married women heavier than single women?
A. Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed - married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.

Q. How did Pinocchio find out he was made of wood?
A. His hand caught fire.

Q. How are men and parking spots alike?
A. Good ones are always taken; free ones are extremely small or deficient in some other way.

Q. What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common?
A. They're married.

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There was a couple who were big over-spenders. They always dreamed to spend holidays in Hawaii, but never able to save any money to do so. One day they came with an idea -- each time they have sex, they will put $20.00 bill into piggy bank. They bought the piggy, and followed that procedure for a few years. After that time, they decided that there is enough money for their dream vacation and broke the piggy bank.
The husband looked at their savings and said: "Isn't it strange. Each time we had sex, I put $20.00 into piggy. But there are many $50.00 and a few $100.00 bills here."
The wife replied: "Not everybody is as stingy as you are."

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A working woman’s view:

I was glancing over the cover of a women's magazine I'd just bought. One title caught my eye: "Men's Secret Fear About Their Working Wives." I decided to get a firsthand account. "What's your innermost fear about my working?" I asked my husband.
"That you'll quit," he promptly replied.
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Two women were chatting and one asked the other, "Mabel, do you talk to your husband while you're having passionate sex?"
Mabel answered, "Heavens No! Why would you want to make a phone call at a time like that?"

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Some promising lines going down in flames:

Male: Is this seat empty?
Female: Yes, and mine will be if you sit down.

Male: Your place or mine?
Female: Both. You go to yours and I'll go mine.

Male: So, what do you do for a living?
Female: I'm a female impersonator.

Male: Hey baby, what's your sign?
Female: DO NOT ENTER.

Male: How do you like your eggs in the morning?
Female: Unfertilized.

Male: Your body's like a temple
Female: Sorry, there are no services today.
__________________________

A man is driving up a steep, narrow mountain road. He passes a woman is driving down the same road. As they pass each other the woman leans out the window and yells, "PIG!!"
The man immediately leans out his window and replies, "BITCH!!"
They each continue on their way, and as the man rounds the next corner, he crashes into a pig in the middle of the road.
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There is a new study out about women. I thought these results were pretty interesting.
85% of women think their ass has grown too big since getting married.
10% of women think their ass is just as big as it was when they got married.
The other 5% say that they don't care; they love him and would have married him anyway.

Okay, here are a few that are sort of neutral

Jack asked his girlfriend if she would go to bed with him.
She smiled coyly and said, "Yes, if you'll buy me a mink."
Jack thought for a moment and then replied, "Okay, it's a deal, on one condition."
"What is that?" she asked.
"You'll have to clean the cage," he replied.

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A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father many years earlier.
He said to the female whale, "Let's both swim under the ship and blow out our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."
They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.
Soon however, the whales realized the sailors were swimming to the safety of the shore. The male whale was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female, "Let's swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore."
At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.
"Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen."
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And finally, that sensitive question: how many women with MENOPAUSE does it take to change a light bulb?
Woman's Answer:
One!
ONLY ONE!!!! And do you know WHY? Because no one else in this house knows HOW to change a light bulb! They don't even know that the bulb is BURNED OUT!! They would sit in the dark for THREE DAYS before they figured it out.
And, once they figured it out, they wouldn't be able to find the light bulbs despite the fact that they've been in the SAME CABINET for the past 17 YEARS!
But if they did, by some miracle of God, actually find them, 2 DAYS LATER, the chair they dragged to stand on to change the STUPID light bulb would STILL BE IN THE SAME SPOT!!!!! AND UNDERNEATH IT WOULD BE THE WRAPPER THE FREAKING LIGHT BULBS CAME IN!!! BECAUSE NO ONE EVER PICKS UP OR CARRIES OUT THE GARBAGE!!!! IT'S A WONDER WE HAVEN'T ALLSUFFOCATED FROM THE PILES OF GARBAGE THAT ARE A FOOT DEEP THROUGHOUT THE ENTIRE HOUSE!! IT WOULD TAKE AN ARMY TO CLEAN THIS PLACE! AND DON'T EVEN GET ME STARTED ON WHO CHANGES THE TOILET PAPER ROLL!!
I'm sorry. What was the question?



Tom