Battle of the Sexes JOW

My topic this week is the eternal battle of the sexes. Men and women find one another endlessly amusing because we are, well, different. Of course, men have to be very careful about woman jokes. It’s all very well gazing upon a hornet’s nest, but prodding it with a big stick is not recommended. That said, I got the first joke from Tom. Ladies, should you care to look him up to extract revenge, I can provide you with his address for a small fee. Oh, and he also gave me any ‘other’ jokes you may find objectionable as well.

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A real woman is a man's best friend.
She will never stand him up and never let him down.
She will reassure him when he feels insecure and comfort him after a bad day.
She will inspire him to do things he never thought he could do; to live without fear and forget regret.
She will enable him to express his deepest emotions and give in to his most intimate desires.
She will make sure he always feels as though he's the most handsome man in the room and will enable him to feel confident, sexy, seductive and invincible.
No wait...Sorry.
I'm thinking of Jack Daniels. It's whiskey that does all that sh*t.
Never mind.
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Men's magazines often feature pictures of naked women. Women's magazines feature pictures of naked women, too. This is because the female body is a beautiful work of art, while the male body is lumpy and hairy and shouldn't be seen by the light of day. Men are turned on at the sight of a naked woman's body. Most naked men elicit laughter from women. Every actress in the history of movies has had to do a nude scene. This is not only because the female body is a beautiful work of art, but because most movies have been produced by men. Men might show their butts in movies, but only because butt size doesn't really matter to men.

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Here are a few quick gender rips:

• If a woman's work is never done, maybe that's why she gets paid less
• What do you call the useless flap of skin at the end of a penis? A man.
• How many divorced men does it take to change a lightbulb? Don’t be stupid, none of them have a house.
• Why are men like used cars? Because they’re all over the place, cheap, and unreliable.
• A man tried to use the word ‘penis’ as his password. He got an error message saying it wasn’t long enough.

Men and Women are just different.

• A man has about five items in his bathroom - a toothbrush, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from the Holiday Inn.
• The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is about 437. A man would not be able to identify most of these items.
• Women on a ‘girl's night out’ talk the whole time. Men on a ‘boy's night out’ say about twenty words all night, most of which are 'Pass the Doritos' and ‘Got anymore beer?'
• Women love cats. Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats


Men and women also define things differently. Here are just a few examples:

THINGY (thing-ee) n.
Female: Any part under a car's hood.
Male: The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
VULNERABLE (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj.
Female: Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another.
Male: Playing football without a helmet.
COMMUNICATION (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n.
Female: The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner.
Male: Scratching out a note before suddenly taking off for a weekend with the boys.
BUTT (but) n.
Female: The body part that every item of clothing manufactured makes "look bigger."
Male: What you slap when someone's scored a touchdown, homerun, or goal. Also good for mooning.
COMMITMENT (ko-mit-ment) n.
Female: A desire to get married and raise a family.
Male: Not trying to pick up other women while out with one's girlfriend.
ENTERTAINMENT (en-ter-tayn-ment) n.
Female: A good movie, concert, play or book.
Male: Anything that can be done while drinking.
FLATULENCE (flach-u-lens) n.
Female: An embarrassing by-product of digestion.
Male: An endless source of entertainment, self-expression and male bonding.
REMOTE CONTROL (ri-moht kon-trohl) n.
Female: A device for changing from one TV channel to another.
Male: A device for scanning through all 75 channels every three minutes.

How can you tell if a person is a man or woman?

A man is a person who, if a woman says, "Never mind, I'll do it myself;" lets her.
A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her; gets mad.
A man is a person who, if a woman says to him, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her and she get mad; says, "Now what are you mad about?"
A woman is a person who, if she says to a man, "Never mind, I'll do it myself," and he lets her and she get mad, and he says, "Now what are mad about?" says "If you don't know I'm not going to tell you."


There are lots of jokes about Adam and Eve in the Garden.

Man says to God, "God, why did you make Woman so beautiful?"
God says to Man, "So you would love her."
"But God", Man says, "Why did you make her so dumb?"
God replies, "So she would love you."

Another day in the Garden of Eden Adam and Eve looked up and saw God standing there holding a bag.
"Hi, God. What's in the bag?" asked Woman.
"These are a couple of things that I have left over from creation." God rummages around in the bag a moment. “Who wants to be able to pee standing up?"
The Man immediately puts his hand up in the air, waving frantically. "Me! Me! Me! Oh, oh, PLEASE, God, let me have it! Just think of how much more work I could get done in the fields if I could pee standing up! And it would help SO MUCH when I'm out hunting! Oh, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE let me have it!"
"Well, OK, here.” The man goes off happy. God rummages about a bit more in the bag. “Now, let's see what we have left to give to Woman." "Ah, right - multiple orgasms."

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When the Garden of Eden was still new when things were still fluid and flexible, God came walking in the Garden. Seeing Adam alone, he asked the Man where the Woman had gone.
“Well, it’s been about twenty eight days since you created us and Eve began to feel a bit out of sorts, and she began to have a little sort of smelly discharge so she went to the river to wash herself off.”
“Oh, no!” God said in despair, “now all the fish will smell like that.”

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Finally when editing my book some of my editors got into wonderful punctuation wars. This is not a trivial thing. The example below highlights The Importance Of Correct Punctuation

Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is all about. You are generous, kind, thoughtful. People who are not like you admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me for other men. I yearn for you. I have no feelings whatsoever when we're apart. I can be forever happy--will you let me be yours?
Gloria

Compared to this –

Dear John:
I want a man who knows what love is. All about you are generous, kind, thoughtful people, who are not like you. Admit to being useless and inferior. You have ruined me. For other men, I yearn. For you, I have no feelings whatsoever. When we're apart, I can be forever happy. Will you let me be?
Yours,
Gloria