Fourth of JOW

It will be the Fourth of July this Wednesday, Independence Day, the anniversary of the initial ‘initialing’ of the Declaration of Independence. I try to keep my JOW offerings topical, but frankly, there are not many good jokes about the Fourth. I have a few items that are somewhat related to that theme and a couple that are wildly unrelated. Enjoy.
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The Fourth of July weekend was approaching, and Miss Pelham, the nursery school teacher, took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. 'We live in a great country,' she announced. 'One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free.'
Trevor, who was a little boy in her class, came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said loudly, 'I'm not free. I'm four.'

Okay, I probably need to do something that is NOT related to Independence Day.

So this moth flutters into a podiatrist's office.
The doctor asks the moth, "What seems to be the problem?"
The moth says, "Doc, I don't know where to start. I feel like my whole life has been a waste of time. I've been at the same job for twenty years and I don't just hate it, I'm revolted by it. I can barely summon the strength to drag myself in every day but I have no choice because I'm in debt up to my compound eyes. The idea of doing this job for years more just makes me sick. I've grown apart from my wife. She's no longer the woman I loved, and I can barely stand to be around her but I feel guilty for feeling that way about her. Doc, it just eats me up inside. My daughter's shacked up at eighteen with a guy I can't stand who's terrible for her and she dropped out of school, but she won't listen to reason and it breaks my heart. And my son... Doc, I just don't know if I love my own son, because he reminds me of everything I hate about myself. I look into his eyes and see the same disgusting, sniveling cowardice I know everyone sees in mine. I can't even work up the courage to pull out my gun and blow my own goddamned brains out. I feel like my entire life is nothing more than a fragile web of lies just barely holding me back from the screaming abyss."
The podiatrist says to the moth, "You do seem to have a lot of problems, but I'm just a podiatrist. You need to see a therapist, a psychiatrist even. Why did you come to me?"
And the moth says, "The light was on."
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When we think of the venal idiots that we have elected to Congress it is well to remember that we have always had a generally low opinion of our elected representatives. As bad as this current crop is, (and they are very bad) they are no worse and in some ways even better than the charlatans, fools, and scoundrels that have come before them. Samuel Clemens was probably the best at sticking in the needle. Here are some of his quotations that are accurately attributed.

 If you don't read the newspaper you are uninformed, if you do read the newspaper you are misinformed.
 No man's life, liberty, or property is safe while the legislature is in session.
 There is no distinctly native American criminal class... save Congress.
 Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress. But then I repeat myself.

Some more topical political quotes –
-In my many years I have come to a conclusion that one useless man is a shame, two is a law firm and three or more is a congress. -- John Adams
-The ultimate result of shielding men from the effects of folly is to fill the world with fools. -- Herbert Spencer, English Philosopher (1820-1903)
-What this country needs are more unemployed politicians. -- Edward Langley, Artist (1928-1995)
-Giving money and power to government is like giving whiskey and car keys to teenage boys. -- P. J. O'Rourke

Here are some kid jokes for the holiday.

• What did one flag say to the other flag?
Nothing. It just waved!
• What’s red, white, blue, and green?
A patriotic turtle!
• What would you get if you crossed George Washington with cattle feed?
The Fodder of Our Country!
• Do they have a 4th of July in England?
Yes. That’s how they get from the 3rd to the 5th.
• What would you get if you crossed a patriot with a small curly-haired dog?
Yankee Poodle!
• Which colonists told the most jokes?
Punsylvanians

Some stupid riddles -

Q: How many fireworks techs does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two. One to change the light bulb, one to say ‘fire in the hole’.

Q: What do you get when you cross a dinosaur with fireworks?
A: DINOMITE!

Q: Teacher: "Why did Washington chop down the cherry tree with his hatchet?"
A: Student: "Because his mom wouldn't let him play with the chain saw!"

Q: What is the difference between a duck and George Washington?
A: One has a bill on his face; the other has his face on a bill!

To wrap things up here is a service dog joke.

A couple goes to a movie and find that a few seats to their right is a woman and her service dog. The dog seemed well behaved enough so they didn't call an usher to complain. They watch the movie and notice that during the action scenes, the dog is on the edge of his seat, watching intently. During the happy scenes, the dog wagged his tail happily. In the sad scenes, the dog would whimper. And in the scary scenes, the dog hid under the seat. When the movie was over, the couple approached the dog owner. The wife said "We can't believe how much your dog enjoyed the movie."
The dog's owner replied "Me either. He didn't like the book.”