Vacation JOW

It is high summer and lots of people are planning a vacation, have recently been on a vacation, or are actually on a vacation right now. If you are on your vacation and are checking your email, shame on you. It seems like vacations describe an arc: Planning- Where are you going? Anticipation - When are you leaving? Enjoyment - Why did put this off so long? And then when you return to work, Regret - Why did I do it?
Here are a few vacation oriented jokes and a few others just for fun.

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Swiss mountain guides who always do the same trails can get tired answering the same questions over and over. One time an English tourist was giving his guide an especially hard time with silly questions. They were walking through a mountain valley that was strewn with rocks, and the traveler asked, "How did these rocks get here?"
"Sir," said the guide, "they were brought down by a glacier."
The tourist peered up the mountain and said, "But I don't see any glacier."
"Oh, really?" said the guide. "I guess it has gone back for more rocks.

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From a passenger ship, everyone could see a thin bearded man on a small island, shouting and desperately waving his hands as the big ship sailed past.
"Who is it on that island?" a passenger asks the captain.
"I have no idea... but every year when we pass, he goes nuts like that."

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Billy Bob says to Lester: "You know... I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation, only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice as to where to go. Two years ago you said to go to Hawaii. I went to Hawaii, and Marie got pregnant. Then last year, you told me to go to the Bahamas. I went to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again."
Lester says: "So what you gonna do different this year?"
Billy Bob says: "This year, I'm going to take Marie with me..."
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I was driving down a lonely country road one cold winter day when it began to sleet pretty heavily. My windows were getting icy and my wiper blades were badly worn and quickly fell apart under the strain.
Unable to drive any further because of the ice building up on my front window I suddenly had a great idea. I stopped and began to overturn large rocks until I located two very lethargic hibernating rattle snakes. I grabbed them up, straightened them out flat and installed them on my blades and they worked just fine.
What! You've never heard of . . . wind chilled vipers?

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Driving to work, a man had to swerve to avoid a box that fell out of a truck in front of him. Seconds later, a policeman pulled him over for reckless driving. Fortunately, another officer had seen the carton in the road. It was found to contain large upholstery tacks.
"I'm sorry sir," the first trooper told the driver, "but I am going to have to charge you with tacks evasion."


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I just got a new pet fish but I'm really disappointed in him. The guy who sold him to me said I could teach him to sing like a bird. You see, he's a parrot fish - but the thing is, he's terribly off-key and it's driving me crazy. Do you know how hard it is to tuna fish?'


Finally, Tor sent me this one. Some people have asked me about Tor’s name. Not his last name which is spelled like mine, but his first. ‘Tor’ is the proper Norwegian spelling for the Norse god Thor. People sometimes say me, “Tor must be smart because he is a Pinney, but is he good looking , too?”
“I always tell them the truth – Tor looks exactly like a slightly smaller version of the actor Chris Hemsworth who plays Thor in the movies… in a certain light… at a distance. And here is his joke:

I was working out at the gym when I spotted a sweet young thing not half my age.
I asked a trainer that was nearby, "What machine should I use to impress that pretty girl over there?"
The trainer looked me up and down and said, "Try the ATM in the lobby."