Church JOW

This JOW is quite early for a reason: my sailboat is departing from New Orleans in the morning and I intend to rejoin her to complete the journey we began several weeks ago in Key West. I felt it was better to inflict my humor early and then leave town.
My theme this week was inspired by Don and Pastor Gary who provided me with some good old church jokes. First

Ole did not trust banks – go figure. But finally he was persuaded to take his cash out of his mattress and deposit into a bank. He made the long journey into town and paused looking at the town’s two banks; one was new, slick, and modern, the other starkly old fashioned.
After a moment of consideration he went into the new bank.
“Ah, Ole, are you coming to open an account with us at last?” bubbled the cheerful teller. “Let me set you up.” She explained all the different options to old Ole and then prepared to open his checking account. “All we need now is your signature.”
Ole became very agitated at that. He knew how much trouble he could get into by signing a document at a bank.
“I ain’t signing nothing!”
“But Ole, we need your signature if we are going to allow you to write checks.”
Ole was obdurate. “I ain’t signin’ nothing.”
Eventually she gave up and called in her supervisor but even he could not persuade the old Norwegian to give them a signature. Finally Ole stalked out of the bank and crossed the street to the old fashioned bank. Unlike the open airy modern bank this one had the old fashioned high counters with barred openings for the tellers.
Ole asked the old teller behind the grill about opening an account there.
“No problem, Ole, we can set you right up. Let’s count your money and we can open an account.”
It was done. “Now all we need is your signature, Ole.”
“Ah, no, I ain’t signing nothing” he snarled.
“Ole, we gotta have your signature or we can’t open your account.”
“I ain’t signing!”
The old teller knew just how stubborn Ole could be. Instead of arguing with him he just reached through the bars of the grill, grabbed Ole by the collar and slammed his head a few times into the bars.
“Now, sign here!” he demanded and gave Ole a pen.
Ole, dazed, shook his head, took the pen and signed the signature card.
Leaving the old bank, checkbook in hand Ole ran into the young teller from the first bank on her way to lunch.
“Why Ole, I see you have a checking account now. Why did you choose them over us?”
“Because they explained it better.”

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One Sunday morning, a mother went in to wake her son and tell him it was time to get ready for church.
"I'm not going," he told her.
"Why not?" she asked.
“I hate going to church,” he sniveled through his locked bedroom door, “it’s boring, the people there don't like me, and I don't like them. Just give me two good reasons I should get up and go."
His mother replied, "I'll give you two good reasons: you're 59 years old, and you're the pastor!"

The Picnic

A Jewish Rabbi and a Catholic Priest met at the town's annual 4th of July picnic. Old friends, they began their usual banter.
"This baked ham is really delicious," the priest teased the rabbi. "You really ought to try it. I know it's against your religion, but I can't understand why such a wonderful food should be forbidden! You don't know what you're missing. You just haven't lived until you've tried Mrs. Hall's prized Virginia Baked Ham. Tell me, Rabbi, when are you going to break down and try it?"
The rabbi looked at the priest with a big grin, and said, "At your wedding."

Show and Tell

A kindergarten teacher gave her class a "show and tell" assignment. Each student was instructed to bring in an object that represented their religion to share with the class.
The first student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Benjamin and I am Jewish and this is a Star of David."
The second student got up in front of the class and said, "My name is Mary. I'm a Catholic and this is a Rosary."
The third student got in up front of the class and said, "My name is Tommy. I am Lutheran, and this is a casserole."

The Best Way To Pray

A priest, a minister and a guru sat discussing the best positions for prayer, while a telephone repairman worked nearby
"Kneeling is definitely the best way to pray," the priest said.
"No," said the minister. "I get the best results standing with my hands outstretched to Heaven."
"You're both wrong," the guru said. "The most effective prayer position is lying down on the floor."
The repairman could contain himself no longer. "Hey, fellas," he interrupted. "The best prayin' I ever did was when I was hangin' upside down from a telephone pole."

The Twenty and the One

A well-worn one-dollar bill and a similarly distressed twenty-dollar bill arrived at a Federal Reserve Bank to be retired.
As they moved along the conveyor belt to be burned, they struck up a conversation.
The twenty-dollar bill reminisced about its travels all over the country.
"I've had a pretty good life," the twenty proclaimed. "Why I've been to Las Vegas and Atlantic City , the finest restaurants in New York , performances on Broadway, and even a cruise to the Caribbean ."
"Wow!" said the one-dollar bill. "You've really had an exciting life!"
"So, tell me," says the twenty, "where have you been throughout your lifetime?"
The one dollar bill replies, "Oh, I've been to the Methodist Church, the Baptist Church, the Lutheran Church ."
The twenty-dollar bill interrupts, "What's a church?"

Goat for Dinner

The young couple invited their elderly pastor for Sunday dinner. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son what they were having.
"Goat," the little boy replied.
"Goat?" replied the startled man of the cloth, "Are you sure about that?"
"Yep," said the youngster. "I heard Dad say to Mom, 'Today is just as good as any to have the old goat for dinner.' "