Punstory JOW #662

Tom sent me a bunch of wretched shaggy dog puns which I am using for my JOW this week.  I do love these sorts of jokes, even in an abbreviated form.  I must admit they are better spoken then written.  One problem is that your audience may not understand the context of the punch line. One of my old standard jokes ends with the line, ‘Pardon me Roy is that the cat who chewed your new shoes.’  Many younger people do not get the joke since they don’t know the song Chattanooga Choo Choo; they don’t even know who Roy Rodgers was.  Likewise, if they are not familiar with the tunes from South Pacific, when you croon ‘Someone chanted evening’, at the end of your long story of the confused monk all you will get is a blank stare.  

Another example is the Mann Act, which may be unfamiliar to younger listeners.  Here are a couple of old jokes with that final line.

A marine biologist developed a race of genetically engineered porpoises that could live forever if they were fed a steady diet of seagulls. One day his supply of the birds ran out. So he had to go out and trap some more. On the way back, he spied two lions asleep on the road. Afraid to wake them, he gingerly stepped over them. Immediately, he was arrested and charged with transporting gulls across sedate lions for immortal porpoises.

Or this version

Another marine biologist in Virginia fell afoul of the law over his dolphins as well.  It seems that all he was able to procure were female dolphins.  Without males their interest in participating in the experiments waned.  Desperate to satisfy his porpoises, he tried to see if any humans could satisfy their needs, but he was limited by morals clauses prohibiting what was in effect bestiality.  Unable to find any men in the great state of Virginia to fill this duty (UVA being on break) he was forced to use a somewhat lower form of life: West Virginia coal miners.  These men were willing to do the deed, and so he loaded them in a school bus for the trip back to his lab but, of course he was arrested for transporting miners across state lines for immoral porpoises.  

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Back in the 1800's the Tates Watch Company of Massachusetts wanted to produce other products and, since they already made the cases for pocket watches, decided to market compasses for the pioneers traveling west. It turned out that although their watches were of finest quality; their compasses were so bad that people often ended up in Canada or Mexico rather than California. This, of course, is the origin of the expression, "He who has a Tates is lost!"

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A skeptical anthropologist was cataloging South American folk remedies with the assistance of a tribal witch doctor who indicated that the leaves of a particular fern were a sure cure for any case of constipation. When the anthropologist expressed his doubts, the healer looked him in the eye and said, "Let me tell you, with fronds like these, who needs enemas?"

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Later the same scientist was feeling very sick, but was too far out in the jungle for modern aid, so he summoned the medicine man again. After a brief examination, the medicine man took out a long, thin strip of elk rawhide and gave it to the anthropologist, instructing him to bite off, chew and swallow one inch of the leather every day. After a month, the medicine man returned to see how his patient was feeling.

The scientist shrugged and said, "The thong is ended, but the malady lingers on."

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A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register. His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official who apologized profusely saying, "I must have taken Lief off my census."

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Evidence has been found that William Tell and his family were avid bowlers. However, all the Swiss league records were unfortunately destroyed in a fire. Thus we'll never know for whom the Tells bowled.
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And on a slightly different note

A man rushed into a busy doctor's office and shouted "Doctor! I think I'm shrinking!" The doctor calmly responded, "Now, settle down. You'll just have to be a little patient."

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A thief broke into the local police station and stole all the toilets and urinals, leaving no clues. A spokesperson was quoted as saying, "We have absolutely nothing to go on."

I got this from several of my conservative friends including my own sister.

Alabama beat Arkansas, and Arkansas fired their coach.

Alabama beat Tennessee, and Tennessee fired their coach.

Alabama beat Auburn, and Auburn fired their coach.

Then Alabama beat Notre Dame, and the Pope resigned.......

Damn, I wish the White House had a team!