Boozy JOW #680

            September is probably my least favorite month.  By this time I am so tired of it being hot all the time and there just doesn’t seem to be any relief.  Sure, it is not quite as hot as it has been but I am ready for autumn to arrive.  I define autumn in Texas more by temperature than the length of days; to me summer is over when you have three consecutive days where the high is below 90 and the low is below 70.  I fear those three days are still weeks away.

            But instead I am using booze as my theme this week, just because it is easy.  “To alcohol! The cause of, and solution to, all our problems.”  Homer J Simpson.

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            First I must give credit to Bruce for this new Tom Swiftie:

“Take that convict down to the deepest dungeon,” Tom said condescendingly.

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A man walks into a bar and says, "Excuse me, I'd like a beer." The bartender serves the drink and says, "That'll be four dollars."

The customer pulls out a twenty-dollar bill and hands it to the bartender.

"Sorry, sir," the bartender says, "but I can't accept that."

 The man pulls out a ten-dollar bill and the bartender rejects his money again.

"What's going on here?" the man asks.

Pointing to a neon sign, the bartender explains, "This is a Singles Bar."

One ancient Mayan to another: “Hey wanna go get a drink?”

Other ancient Mayan: “Well I'm working on this calendar, but I guess if I don't finish it won't be the end of the world.”

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Pat was sitting outside his local pub one day, enjoying a quiet pint and generally feeling good about things when a nun suddenly appears at his table and starts decrying the evils of drink. "You should be ashamed of yourself young man! Drinking is a Sin! Alcohol is the blood of the devil!"

Now Pat gets pretty annoyed about this, and goes on the offensive. "How do you know this, Sister?"

"My Mother Superior told me so." "

But have you ever had a drink yourself? How can you be sure that what you are saying is right?"

"Don't be ridiculous--of course I have never taken alcohol myself" "Then let me buy you a drink - if you still believe afterwards that it is evil I will give up drink for life"

"How could I, a Nun, sit outside this public house drinking?!"

"I'll get the barman to put it in a teacup for you, and then no one will ever know."

The Nun reluctantly agrees, so Pat goes inside to the bar.

"Another pint for me, and a triple vodka on the rocks", then he lowers his voice and says to the barman "and could you put the vodka in a teacup?"

"Oh no! It's that Nun again!"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Alcohol should be served in Capri Sun pouches. That way when you can't get the straw in the hole you know you’ve had enough.

If you drink too much alcohol you are an alcoholic. If you drink too much Fanta, does that make you Fantastic?

Okay, you are expecting more ‘walked into a bar’ jokes.  Here are four:

·         Two midgets walk into a mini-bar.

·         A skeleton walks into a bar and says, "Gimme a beer, and a mop."

·         A soccer ball walks into a bar. The bartender kicked him out.

·         A magician walks down an alley and turns into a bar.

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A man walks into a bar and says, "Bartender, give me two shots."

Bartender says, "You want them both now or one at a time?"

The guy says," Oh, I want them both now. One's for me and one's for this little guy here," and he pulls a tiny six inch man out of his pocket.

 The bartender asks "He can drink?"

Oh, sure. He can drink." So the bartender pours the shots and sure enough, the little guy drinks it all up. "That's amazing" says the bartender. "What else can he do, can he walk?"

 The man flicks a quarter down to the end of the bar and says, "Hey, Jake. Go get that."

The little guy runs down to the end of the bar and picks up the quarter. Then he runs back down and gives it to the man. 

The bartender is in total shock. "That's amazing" he says, "what else can he do? Does he talk?"

The man says "Sure he talks, hey, Jake, tell him about that time we were in Africa and you made fun of that witch doctor's powers!"

And finally a joke my father told me when I was a lad.

A father was trying to teach his young son the evils of alcohol. He put one worm in a glass of water and another worm in a glass of gin. The worm in the water lived, while the one in gin kicked a few times and then curled up and died. "All right, son." asked the father, "what does that show you?"

"Well, Dad, it shows that if you drink gin, you will not have worms."