Good Swift Kick in the JOW #679

            Elmore Leonard, a gifted writer and pretty cool guy overall passed away last month.  He had ten rules for good writing.  "Never use a verb other than 'said' to carry dialog and never use an adverb to modify the verb ‘said," he admonished gravely.  (Sorry, that is like the saying ‘a preposition is something you should never end a sentence with.)

            I suspect Elmore may have been exposed to the Tom Swift books written before TV and computer games when people actually read for pleasure.  These Tom Swift books were cranked out by teams of writers who tended to share a specific style that absolutely shattered Elmore’s rules.  Tom always modified his dialog sometimes with inadvertently hilarious results.   

“I’ll have a martini,” Tom said dryly.  I have some of these things memorized but they are so easy to do it is better just to let them flow - downhill.

            By the way, Tom Swift was roughly based on the pioneering aviation genius Glenn Curtis who led an amazing if too short life. 

            Anyway, here are some more Tom Swifties along with some other stuff I thought was funny at the time. 

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I pulled a hamstring,” said Tom limply.

 “I’m just an average guy,” said Tom meanly.

“I compose music,” Tom noted.

 “Sesame,” said Tom openly.

“Let’s sort this out,” Tom ordered.

“I’ve been waiting to see the doctor,” said Tom patiently.

 “I’m here,” said Tom presently.

 “I teach at the university,” Tom professed.

“Once again, I read it on Wikipedia,” Tom recited.

 “I see myself,” Tom said upon reflection.

“I'm your second cousin,” Tom related.

“Here is your hot dog,” said Tom with relish.

 “"I will file a counter suit against you," Tom retorted,” Tom retorted.

“That's more or less correct,” Tom said roughly.

 “I only use one herb when I cook,” said Tom sagely.

“Wool is better than cotton,” Tom said sheepishly.

“So, it’s a duel you want!” Tom shot back.

 “It only looks like cocaine,” Tom snorted.

 “I'm from Missouri,” Tom stated.

“I'm not gay,” Tom said with a straight face.

 “I’d like to make a toast,” Tom said warmly.

“If I die, you get everything,” said Tom willingly.

“Would you stop horsing around!” yelled Tom woefully.

“I feel a draft,” Tom said coolly.

 “I’m a broken man,” Tom cracked.

“Our situation is pretty grave,” said Tom cryptically.

I hate it when it rains on a camping trip,” Tom said intently.

I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.

Some kid jokes:

A man escaped prison by digging a hole from his cell to the outside world. When finally his work was done, he emerged in the middle of a preschool playground.

"I'm free, I'm free!" he shouted.

"So what," said a little girl’ "I'm four."

Q. How to you catch a unique rabbit?

A. You ‘neak’ up on him.

Q. How do you catch a tame rabbit?

A. Tame way: you ‘neak’ up on him.

Q. What is a wok?

A. It is what you throw at a wabbit.

Three more language jokes:

My English teacher once asked me to name two pronouns.  I answered “who, me?”

Dear women, we hate periods, too - Sincerely, Commas

Ambiguity – what happens in vagueness stays in vagueness

Here are some thoughts on things that shouldn’t bother me – but they do.

·         Isn’t it fruitless to eat your vegetables?

·         Isn’t the center of register the gist of the word?

·         Can lay people be upstanding citizens?

·         Like the wheel, wasn’t the lazy Susan a revolutionary idea?

·         Did you ever wonder why funeral starts with the word fun?

·         What are you vacating when you go on vacation?

·         If you are a host should you act hostile?  And would you guests be hostages?

·         Can you orient yourself out west?

·         Why are there interstates in Alaska and Hawaii?

·         Why do caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?

·         If you are just kidding, isn’t that childish?

·         Aren’t half-baked ideas rare?

·         How do you get off a non-stop flight?

·         During a heart attack, is the heart attacking or is it being attacked?

·         When sick, wouldn’t you go to a medical doctor to be ill-advised?

·         Shouldn’t the doctor be ill-prepared and the patient ill-mannered?

·         Aren’t doctor’s fees ill-gotten gains?

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And finally:

A grasshopper walks into a bar and the bartender says, 'Hey, we have a drink named after you!'
The grasshopper looks surprised and says, 'You have a drink named Steve?'