Football Again JOW #678

It is football season again.  Ah, football, the only sport I know that combines violence and committee meetings.  Former tight end Aaron Hernandez got arrested and dropped by the New England Patriots. Hernandez could serve years in jail – or even worse, get signed by the New York Jets.  NFL had so many legal issues in the last year they adopted a new honor system - "Yes, your Honor", "No, your Honor".  As Jay Leno put it “The statistics are not good: Twenty-seven NFL players have been arrested just since the last Super Bowl. In fact, this could be the first year we see a prison football team in the playoffs. You could have OJ coaching.”

So here are a few football-themed jokes to start the week.

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The Texas A&M college football player (no, not that player) knew his way around the locker room better than he did the library. So when the librarian saw the gridiron star roaming the stacks looking confused, she asked how she could help.

“I have to read a play by Shakespeare,” he said.

“Which one?” she asked.

He scanned the shelves and answered, “William.”

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"Why do you watch those food shows?" he asked. "You don’t even cook."

Glaring back at him, she replied, "Then why do you watch football?"

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The Catholic guy was partial to Notre Dame football but as Michigan State alumni, he also kept tabs on his old college team. One Saturday afternoon, a neighbor dropped in while he was watching Notre Dame vs. Michigan State.

"Which team do you want to win?" he asked.

"Gee, I don’t know," he replied. "I’m kind of torn between Church and State."

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This one predates cell phones

A coach was called at home one night by one of his players. When his wife informed the kid that the coach wasn’t home, he became frantic and said he had to speak to the coach right away.

"Just calm down and I’ll have him call you as soon as he gets home," the coach’s wife told him. "What’s your number?"

The flustered kid replied, "Thirty three."

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At an Eagles football game a spectator suddenly found himself in the thick of dozens of flying bottles.

"There's nothing to worry about, son," said the old veteran sitting next to him. "It's like bullets - you won't get hit unless the bottle's got your name on it."

"That's just what I'm worried about," said the fan,"my name's Johnny Walker."

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Q: What do the New Orleans Saints and Billy Graham have in common?

A: They both can make 70,000 people stand up and yell "Jesus Christ".

HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
 

Have you ever noticed that unlike sports, the worse you are at parallel parking, the more people you have rooting for you?
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And a few random jokes:

Condoms don't guarantee safe sex anymore.....
Pat knew a guy who was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband.

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In a Louisiana church one Sunday morning, the preacher said, "Anyone with 'special needs" who wants to be prayed over, please come forward to the front by the altar."
With that, Leroy got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked, "Leroy, what do you want me to pray about for you?"
Leroy replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing."
The preacher put one finger of one hand in Leroy's ear, placed his other hand on top of Leroy's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed a "blue streak" for Leroy, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm.
After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Leroy, how is your
hearing now?"
Leroy answered, " I don't know. It ain't 'til Thursday."

Signs in English pubs

·         We have 1100 happy customers and one creepy guy who is not allowed back.  (You know who you are)

·         We distrust camels and anything else that can go a week without a drink

·         Alcohol!  Because good stories do not begin with a salad

·         Free air guitar with every pint of Guinness

·         Beer: so much more than a breakfast drink

·         Come in and meet your future ex-wife

·         We have some local crabs and are itching to pass them on.

·         We have free beer, topless waitresses, and false advertising

Answers from the Grammar JOW

1) What work becomes shorter when you add two letters: short

2) In the unusual sentence each word contains one more letter than the previous word. And even longer sentence is, “I do not know where family doctors acquired illegibly perplexing handwriting, nevertheless extraordinary pharmaceutical intellectuality, counterbalancing indecipherability, transcendentalizes intercommunications incomprehensibleness.”