Big Fat Tuesday JOW #703

Tomorrow is Fat Tuesday, and of course, this being America, it will be followed by Even Fatter Wednesday, Obese Thursday and Fat-Ass Friday.  Of course our Fat Tuesday is really just Charlie Sheen's normal Tuesday.  It has been so cold in New Orleans that girls are just flashing photos of their boobs.  Some folks are unable to make it to a proper Mardi Gras celebration.  My friend Lawyer Tom has kindly offered to throw beads to girls who come by his apartment and flash him.  Of course with the economy being so bad they will probably only flash one boob.

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Q: What is the difference between Fat Tuesday and Mardi Gras?

A: Mardi Gras is an all-night party in New Orleans; Fat Tuesday is who you wake up with the morning after.

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These are actual comments made by 16 Police Officers. The comments were allegedly taken off actual police car videos around the country:

1. "You know, stop lights don't come any redder than the one you just went through."

2. "Relax, the handcuffs are tight because they're new. They'll stretch after you wear them a while."

3. "If you take your hands off the car, I'll make your birth certificate a worthless document."

4. "If you run, you'll only go to jail tired."

5. "Can you run faster than 1200 feet per second? Because that's the speed of the bullet that'll be chasing you."

6. "You don't know how fast you were going? I guess that means I can write anything I want to on the ticket, huh?"

7. "Yes, sir, you can talk to the shift supervisor, but I don't think it will help. Oh, did I mention that I'm the shift supervisor?"

8. "Warning! You want a warning? O.K, I'm warning you not to do that again or I'll give you another ticket."

9. "The answer to this last question will determine whether you are drunk or not. Was Mickey Mouse a cat or a dog?"

10. "Fair? You want me to be fair? Listen, fair is a place where you go to ride on rides, eat cotton candy and corn dogs and step in monkey poop."

11. "Yeah, we have a quota. Two more tickets and my wife gets a toaster oven."

12. "In God we trust; all others we run through NCIC." (National Crime Information Center)

13. "Just how big were those 'two beers' you say you had?"

14. "No sir, we don't have quotas anymore. We used to, but now we're allowed to write as many tickets as we can."

15. "I'm glad to hear that the Chief of Police is a personal friend of yours. So you know someone who can post your bail."

AND THE WINNER IS....

16. "You didn't think we give pretty women tickets? You're right, we don't. Sign here."

Some factoids you may already know. = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = There are only four words in the English language which end in "dous": tremendous, horrendous, stupendous, and hazardous = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = There are two words in the English language that have all five vowels in order: "abstemious" and "facetious." = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = TYPEWRITER is the longest word that can be made using the letters only on one row of a typewriter = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = A cat has 32 muscles in each ear. = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = A goldfish has a memory span of three seconds. (Same as the media.) = = = == = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = A "jiffy" is an actual unit of time for 1/100th of a second = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = A shark is the only fish that can blink with both eyes. = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = A snail can sleep for three years. = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = An ostrich's eye is bigger than its brain. (I know some people like that. Also all politicians) = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = No new animals have been domesticated in the last 4,000 years = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = Peanuts  are one of the ingredients of dynamite!   = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = The average person's left hand does 56% of the typing = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = The cruise liner, QE 2 moves only six inches for each gallon of diesel that it burns. = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = The microwave was invented after a researcher walked by a radar tube and a chocolate bar melted in his pocket. (And I am glad he did.) = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = There are more chicken than people in the world. = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = Women blink nearly twice as much as men. = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = = Bonus - All the ants in Africa weigh more than ALL the Elephants!