Spring Broke JOW #704

My jokes are a bit late this week.  I blame it on the fact that it is Spring Break here in Texas and the weather has been semi-perfect, which gives me an excuse to kick back from my grueling retirement rut.  So I have a few spring break jokes this week.  Oh, and today is Alfred Hitchcock day

Spring break - that's when students take time off from football games, basketball games, dances, parties, and hanging out in bars, and go to Florida and relax.  It’s when students take time off from football games, basketball games, dances, parties, and hanging out in bars, and go to Florida and relax.  About the only thing they study is each other.

Some student jokes:

TEACHER: Why are you late?
STUDENT: Class started before I got here.
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TEACHER: Glenn, how do you spell 'crocodile?'
GLENN: K-R-O-K-O-D-I-A-L'
TEACHER: No, that's wrong
GLENN: Maybe it is wrong, but you asked me how I spell it.

(I Love this child)
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TEACHER: Donald, what is the chemical formula for water?
DONALD: H I J K L M N O..
TEACHER: What are you talking about?
DONALD: Yesterday you said it's H to O.
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TEACHER: Winnie, name one important thing we have today that we didn't have ten years ago.
WINNIE: Me!
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TEACHER: Glen, why do you always get so dirty?
GLEN: Well, I'm a lot closer to the ground than you are.

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TEACHER: Millie, give me a sentence starting with ' I. '
MILLIE: I is..
TEACHER: No, Millie..... Always say, 'I am.'
MILLIE: All right... 'I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.'
______________________________
TEACHER: Clyde, your composition on 'My Dog' is exactly the same as your brother's. Did you copy his?
CLYDE : No, sir. It's the same dog.

(I want to adopt this kid!!!)

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- Sign at the USMC anti-terrorism sniper school

“72 Virgins Dating Service - The Relationship is up to you… we just arrange the meeting”

Some random thoughts passed to me by Tom:

… A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.

… The batteries were given out free of charge.
… A dentist and a manicurist married. They fought tooth and nail.
… A will is a dead giveaway.
… With her marriage, she got a new name and a dress.

… When you've seen one shopping Center you've seen a mall.
… Police were called to a day care Center where a three-year-old was resisting a rest.
… Did you hear about the fellow whose whole left side was cut off? He's all right now

... The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
 ... When she saw her first strands of grey hair she thought she'd dye.
 … Acupuncture is a jab well done. That's the point of it.

… Why is it that, no matter what color bubble bath you use, the bubbles are always white?         
… Is there ever a day that mattresses are not on sale?   

… Why do they use sterilized needles for lethal injections?          
… Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard?             
… Why did Kamikaze pilots wear helmets?              
… Whose cruel idea was it to put an "s" in the word "lisp"?   

… Is it true that you never really learn to swear until you learn to drive?           
… If a cow laughed, would milk come out of her nose?             
… Whatever happened to Preparations A through G ?  

… Do Lipton Tea employees take 'coffee breaks?'       

… Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety-one?             
… If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea...does that mean that one out of five enjoys it?
And the cream of the wretched crop:
...Those who get too big for their pants will be exposed in the end.

++++++++++++++++++

Pavlov was sitting at the bar enjoying a beer when the phone rang.  “Dang!” he said getting up, “I forgot to feed the dog.”

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

These are classified ads, which were placed in U.K. Newspapers: FREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old,Hateful little bastard. Bites! -------------- FREE PUPPIES 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog. ------------------ FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.  -------------------- COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale....  ---------------- JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer $100...   -------------------------- WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE. Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie. **** And the WINNER is.... **** FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. Excellent condition, $200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married - wife knows everything. ********** Statement of the Century Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly. "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"

 And finally from Tor:

Statistics show that 25% of all American women are on drugs to treat mental issues which is a terrifying statistic because that means 75% of them are going around untreated!