St. Paddy JOW #705

Today is St. Patrick’s Day, which, like Cinco de Mayo is mostly celebrated by people here in the US by immigrants or their descendents.   St. Paddy’s Day is most celebrated by wearing green and imbibing too much alcohol.  I'm not wearing green today, but I am wearing blue pants and a yellow shirt, so it’s pretty much the same thing.

People have been drinking at the local pub since this morning because, well, you can’t drink all day if you don’t start off first thing.  Alcohol may not solve your problems but neither will water or milk.  It’s okay to pretend to be Irish on St. Patrick’s Day… you pretend to by good on Christmas. 

I will start with an Irish toast that I like:
Here's to a long life and a merry one.

A quick death and an easy one.

A pretty girl and an honest one.

A cold beer and another one.

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An Irishman, by the name of O'Malley proposed to his girl on St. Patrick's Day. He gave her a ring with a synthetic diamond. The excited young lass showed it to her father, a jeweler. He took one look at it and saw it wasn't real.
The young lass, on learning it wasn't real returned to her future husband. She protested vehemently about his cheapness.
'It was in honor of St. Patrick's Day, 'he smiled.
'I gave you a sham rock.'

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Murphy told Quinn that his wife was driving him to drink. Quinn thinks he's very lucky because his own wife makes him walk

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'I had an accident opening a can of alphabet spaghetti this morning,' said Murphy.
'Were you injured?' inquired Seamus.
'No, but it could have spelled disaster,' concluded Murphy.

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Two Irish mothers, Kate and Lorna were talking about their sons.
Kate says, 'My Patrick is such a saint. He works hard, doesn't smoke, and he hasn't so much as looked at a woman in over two years.'
Lorna responds, 'Well, my Francis is a mighty good, too. Not only hasn't he not looked at a woman in over three years, but he hasn't touched a drop of liquor in all that time.'
'My word,' says Kate, 'You must be so proud.'
'I am,' announces Lorna, 'and when he's paroled next month, I'm going to throw him a big party.'

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Two Irishmen, Patrick Murphy and Shawn O'Brian grew up together and were lifelong friends. But alas, Patrick developed cancer, and was dying. While on his deathbed, Patrick called to his buddy, Shawn, "O'Brian, come 'ere. I 'ave a request for ye." Shawn walked to his friend's bedside and kneels.
"Shawny ole boy, we've been friends all our lives, and now I'm leaving 'ere. I 'ave one last request fir ye to do."
O'Brian burst into tears, "Anything Patrick, anything ye wish. It's done."
"Well, under me bed is a box containing a bottle of the finest whiskey in all of Ireland.  Bottled the year I was born it was. After I die, and they plant me in the ground, I want you to pour that fine whiskey over me grave so it might soak into me bones and I'll be able to enjoy it for all eternity."
O'Brian was overcome by the beauty and in the true Irish spirit of his friend's request, he asked, "Aye, tis a fine thing you ask of me, and I will pour the whiskey. But, might I strain it through me kidneys first?"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

The Doctor was puzzled "I'm very sorry but I can't diagnose your trouble, Mahoney. I think it must be drink. "
"Don't worry about it Dr. Kelley, I'll come back when you're sober."

……………………………………….

His wife had been killed in an accident and the police were questioning Finnegan.
"Did she say anything before she died?" asked the sergeant.
"She spoke without interruption for about forty years," said the Irishman.

Cousin Bil ponders these things:

-Why do you have to 'put your two cents in'... but it's only a 'penny for your thoughts'? Where's that extra penny going to?
-Once you're in heaven, do you get stuck wearing the clothes you were buried in for eternity?
-What disease did cured ham actually have?
-If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?
-Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?
-Why is 'bra' singular and 'panties' plural?
-If Wile E. Coyote had enough money to buy all that ACME crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
-If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
-Did you know the Alphabet song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the same tune?
-Why did you just try singing the two songs above?
-Why do people constantly return to the refrigerator with hopes that something new to eat will -have materialized?
-Why is it that no plastic bag will open from the end on your first try?
-How do those dead bugs get into those enclosed light fixtures?
-Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that's falling off the table you always
manage to knock something else over?
-In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?
-How come you never hear father-in-law jokes?