Existentialist JOW #706

For no particular reason I decided to try to do some Jokes of the Week about existentialism.  This may seem a pointless or even ridiculous choice to some.  I can’t help it – I went to a fine liberal arts college and sometimes stuff (that word is a euphemism) like this just sort of floats up.

The Frenchman Jean Paul Sarte was a well known advocate (if that word could be used) for the philosophy of existentialism.  This philosophy in part claims that life is empty and meaningless; that that struggling was pointless since everything ended up inevitably in surrender and death.  (Come to think of it, that pretty well sums up French military history for the last couple hundred years.)  Sarte famously claimed that ‘Hell is other people,’ which is probably why no one ever invited him to dinner parties.   I guess existentialism is okay of you are into that Sarte of thing.

It is easy to mock existentialism - they think life is ridiculous; the rest of humanity holds that existentialism is what is ridiculous.  Fortunately, existentialism is such a ridiculous philosophy it will never be widely accepted.  Good thing, too.  Existentialists would like to add postscripts at the end of fairy tales that say ‘but, of course everyone goes into death alone.’ right after ‘and they all lived happily ever after,’

Or to put it another way, existentialists do it pointlessly.

Here is what a press release would be like in an existentialist world:

SCHAUMBURG, IL—In an ultimately futile act some have described as courageous and others have called a mere postponing of the inevitable, existentialist firefighter James Farber delayed three deaths Monday.

"I'm no hero," Farber said after rescuing the family from a house fire on the 2500 block of West Thacker Street, and prolonging for the time being their slow march toward oblivion. "Like any other man, I am thrown into this world, alone and terrified, to play a meaningless role in an empty life. In my case, that role happens to involve charging through towering blazes to pull helpless individuals from a sea of flames before they suffocate or are burnt alive."

While acknowledging that the Morgenstern family no longer has a home, authorities said it really makes no sense to bemoan this fact, as things like this happen every day, and it's no use trying to pretend that, in and of itself, existence is anything but a provisional circumstance over which we exert limited control.

Though the cause of the fire remains unknown, and can perhaps never truly be known, sources close to the investigation said that no foul play is suspected, only the haphazard, amoral processes inherent in nature itself.

"The house will be rebuilt, or perhaps it won't," Farber said of the destruction. "Perhaps an entirely new building will be built there, one that's not even a house. Or maybe it will remain a vacant lot, and a tree will grow there, and some day, long after I and everyone I know has died, young children will come here and play in its branches.  Or not."

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If you asked an existential GPS where you were it would reply either, “Exactly where you should be.”  Or “You are here for no apparent reason.”

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And then there was a single existential sock who asked, “Have you ever considered that maybe you’re the one who is lost?”

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Taking a long car trip with an existentialist family would be different.

Kid: “Dad, I have ennui.”

Father: “Well you should have made peace with the absurdity of human existence before you got in the car.”

·         Existential Angst: running young minds since 1938

Here are some words that do not exist – but should.

Defecately - A more dignified way to say "Shit Yeah!" so you don't sound uneducated in the presence of others.

Scoratorium - The purposeful avoidance of all forms of media or communication which might disclose the results of a sporting event...

Delazify - Prying one's fat butt off the couch to get stuff done.

Touron - A combination of a tourist and a moron.

Libidinous - Full of sexual lust, lustful, lewd, lascivious.

Brinksmanshit - When two or more parties have entered separate bathroom stalls at nearly the same time and deliberately delay moving...

Cousin Bil sent me some reasons why – “It is good to be a man.”

The garage is all ours.
Wedding plans take care of themselves.
Chocolate is just another snack.
We can never be pregnant.
We can wear a white T-shirt to a water park; actually we can wear NO shirt to a water park.
Car mechanics tell us the truth.
The world is our urinal.
We never have to drive to another gas station because the restroom is just too icky.
We don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
Wrinkles add character.
Wedding dress $5000. Tux rental-$100.
People never stare at our chest when you're talking to them.
New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle our feet.
Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat.
We know stuff about tanks.

A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

We can open all our own jars.
If someone forgets to invite you to an event they can still be your friend.
Our underwear is $8.95 for a three-pack.
Three pairs of shoes are enough.
Everything on our face stays its original color.
The same hairstyle lasts for years, even decades.
We only have to shave our face and neck.
We can play with toys all our life.
One color for all seasons.
We can wear shorts no matter how our legs look.
We can 'do' our nails with a pocket knife.
We have freedom of choice concerning growing a mustache.