Great Outdoors JOW #708

I have been pretty regular in getting my Jokes of the Week out over the years.   I have only missed four weeks since I started posting them on my blog back in 2008.  I will probably have to miss next week, however as I will be on the Appalachian Trail, backpacking with my friend David.  It is not that there will not be internet access – I just don’t want to carry a laptop.  Frankly, one of the blessings of a trip back to nature is that you can escape the omnipresent interconnectedness foisted upon our modern society. 

My jokes this week focus more or less on the Great Outdoors and our reactions to it. 

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A large, well established, Canadian lumber camp advertised that they were looking for a good lumberjack.
The very next day, a skinny little man showed up at the camp with his axe, and knocked on the head lumberjacks' door. The head lumberjack took one look at the little man and told him "get out of here".
"Just give me a chance to show you what I can do," said the skinny man.
"Okay, see that giant redwood over there?" said the lumberjack. "Take your axe and go cut it down."
The skinny man headed for the tree, and in five minutes he was back knocking on the lumberjack's door. "I cut the tree down," said the man.
The lumberjack couldn't believe his eyes and said, "Where did you get the skill to chop down trees like that?"
"In the Sahara Forest," replied the puny man.
"You mean the Sahara Desert," said the lumberjack.
The little man laughed and answered back, "Oh sure, that's what they call it now!"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

A visitor to Glacier National Park in Montana attempted to lure a ground squirrel by dangling the keys out in front of the critter.  The squirrel popped out, grabbed the keys and ran down a hole with them.
The keys were never retrieved, a ranger cited the man for harassment of wildlife, and they had to call a locksmith to make new car keys.

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A camper at Long Pine Key in Everglades National Park decided to take a dip in the lake despite signs saying "No swimming--Danger--Alligators."  She swam to an island about 75 yards from the shore, then saw some alligators and refused to swim back.

"Didn't you see the signs?" asked the ranger who retrieved her in a canoe.

"Sure," she said, "but I didn't think they applied to me."

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 In 1993 a woman called 911 from the top of Half Dome using her cell phone.  According to dispatch, she reported: "Well, I'm at the top and I'm really tired."

The answering ranger asked if she felt sick.

 "No," she said, "I'm just really tired and I want my friends to drive to the base and pick me up."

The dispatcher explained that she would have to hike down the trail she had ascended.

The visitor replied, "But you don't understand, I'm really tired." 

What happened next?  

"It turned out we got really lucky," the ranger reported, “it seems her phone battery suddenly died."

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These are actual comments left on US Forest Service comment cards by
backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:

* "Escalators would help on steep uphill sections."

* "Instead of a permit system for hikers, the Forest Service needs to
reduce worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness."

* "Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."

* "Found a smouldering cigarette left by a horse."

* "Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go
uphill."

* "Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs.  Please spray
the wilderness to rid the area of these pests."

* "Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter."

* "Chair lifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful
views without having to hike to them."

* "Need more signs to keep area pristine."

* "A McDonald's would be nice at the trailhead."

* "The places where trails do not exist are not well marked."

* "Too many rocks in the mountains."

The National Parks also get their share of comments and questions by people who do not quite get the concept of wilderness.

Grand Canyon National Park:
Was this man-made?
Do you light it up at night?
I bought tickets for the elevator to the bottom--where is it?
Is the mule train air-conditioned?
So where are the faces of the presidents?

"Why did the Indians only build ruins?" 

Everglades National Park:

Are the alligators real?
Are the baby alligators for sale?
Where are all the rides?
What time does the two o'clock bus leave?

Mesa Verde National Park:
Did people build this, or did Indians?
Why did they build the ruins so close to the road?
Do you know of any undiscovered ruins?
What did they worship in the kivas--their own made-up religion?
Why did the Indians decide to live in Colorado?

Carlsbad Caverns National Park:
How much of the cave is underground?
So what's in the unexplored part of the cave?
Does it ever rain in here?
How many Ping-Pong balls would it take to fill this up?
So what is this--just a hole in the ground?

Yosemite National Park:
Where are the cages for the animals?
What time of year do you turn on Yosemite Falls?
What happened to the other half of Half Dome?
Can I get my picture taken with the carving of President Clinton?

Denali National Park:
What time do you feed the bears?
What's so wonderful about Wonder Lake?
Can you show me where yeti lives?
How often do you mow the tundra?
How much does Mount McKinley weigh?

"What time do they let the animals out in the park?" 

Yellowstone National Park:
Does Old Faithful erupt at night?
How do you turn it on?
When does the guy who turns it on get to sleep?
We had no trouble finding the park entrances, but where are the exits?

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Having grown up in New York City, the city boy barely knew a cow from an ear of corn. Until, that is, he met and married a small town girl from Ohio. His first visit back to her home included going to a small country church.  He was trying real hard on the first Sunday to fit in...maybe too hard. With his wife sitting beside him in her childhood church he was asked by the pastor  to say something about himself.   

Trying to be honest, he began with, “I never saw a cow until I met my wife.”

Finally a non outdoors joke:

Looking over the log book kept by the computer support staff at my office, the IT manager noticed several entries stating the problem was PICNIC.  He asked one of the technicians what PICNIC meant. He explained  it meant..."Problem In Chair, Not In Computer."