Happy Birthday Navy JOW #743

Today is a special day: it is the 239^th birthday of the United States Navy, backbone of our nation’s defense.  On this date the Continental Congress approved a resolution to fit out two schooners to raid British shipping.  It was, in fact only after George Washington took it upon himself to authorize the ships that Congress followed suit.  As George himself put it, “Without an effective Navy our peoples can never be secured.”  Abraham Lincoln said that, “Though there were many battles and sacrifices, without the Navy the war could never have been won.”

Even Thomas Jefferson (who was never in the military) later in life admitted that, “The biggest mistake I made as president was in neglecting the backbone of our national defense - the United States Navy.”

By the way, I found those quotes on the internet so they must be true.  You can’t put anything on the internet if it isn’t true, can you.

So in honor or the founding of the world’s greatest navy, I offer you a few bits of (mostly) Navy related humor.

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A Sailor sent an e-mail to his wife, informing her that his ship would be returning from deployment a day early. Arriving home, he found his wife with another man. Upset, he stormed off and got a room at the Navy Lodge to decide what to do next. His thoughts were interrupted by a call from his mother-in-law.

“Bill” she said, “I checked with my daughter and, as I expected, there is a perfectly good explanation for this whole episode.”

“This I’ve got to hear,” the Sailor said.

“It was an honest mistake,” the mother-in -law said. ” She never got your e-mail!”

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Joe’s first military assignment was to a military induction center, and, because he was a good talker, they assigned him the duty of advising new recruits about the government benefits, especially the GI insurance to which they were entitled.

Before long the Captain in charge of the induction center began noticing that Bubba was getting a 99 percent sign-up for the top GI insurance.  This was odd, because it would cost these poor inductees nearly $30.00 per month more for their higher coverage than what the government was already granting. The Captain decided that he would sit in the back of the room and observe Joe’s sales pitch.

Joe stood up before his latest group of inductees and stated:

“If you have the normal GI insurance and go overseas and are killed, the government pays your beneficiary $6,000.”

“If you take out the supplemental GI insurance which will cost you an additional $30.00 per month, the government pays your beneficiary $200,000.”

“Now… Which bunch do you think they’re gonna send into combat first?”

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

A Navy man walks into a bar, gives the bartender a conspiratorial wink and says, “Quick, pour me a drink, before the trouble starts.” The bartender pours a drink and watches as the Sailor downs it in one gulp.

The Sailor slams the glass down on the bar and says, “Quick, give me another one before the trouble starts.”

The bartender pours another glass and the Sailor drinks it as quickly as he had the first. The Sailor pauses, lets out a belch and demands a third drink ‘before the trouble starts.’

After several rounds of this, the bartender says, “Look Sailor, you’ve been talking about trouble for ten minutes. Just when is this ‘trouble’ going to start?”

The sailor looks at the bartender and grins. “The trouble starts just as soon as you figure out that I don’t have any money.”

…………………………………………

One time during the underway watch the OOD decided to test a Chief Petty Officer's seamanship.
"Chief, what would you do if the forward watch fell off the side of the ship?"

"Easy, sir, I'd call 'Man Overboard' and follow the Man Overboard procedures."
"What would you do if an officer fell overboard?"

"Hmmm," The Chief said, "Which one, sir?"

Three fighter pilot jokes:

Q: How can you tell if there’s a fighter pilot at your party?

A: He’ll tell you.

Q: How can you tell when your date with a fighter pilot is half over?

A: He says, “But enough about me… Wanna hear about my plane?”

Q: What’s the difference between a jet engine and a fighter pilot?

A: A jet engine will stop whining when you shut the plane down.

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An old Chief and an old Gunny were sitting at the VFW arguing about who'd had the tougher career. "I did 30 years in the Corps," the Gunny declared proudly, "and fought in three of my country's wars. Fresh out of boot camp I hit the beach at Okinawa, clawed my way up the blood soaked sand, and eventually took out an entire enemy machine gun nest with a single grenade. "As a sergeant, I fought in Korea alongside General Mac Arthur. We pushed back the enemy inch by bloody inch all the way up to the Chinese border, always under a barrage of artillery and small arms fire. "Finally, as a gunny sergeant, I did three consecutive combat tours in Vietnam. We humped through the mud and razor grass for 14 hours a day, plagued by rain and mosquitoes, ducking under sniper fire all day and mortar fire all night. In a fire fight, we'd fire until our arms ached and our guns were empty, then we'd charge the enemy with bayonets!"
"Ah," said the Chief with a dismissive wave of his hand, "all shore duty, huh?”

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The Master Chief noticed a new Seaman one day and barked at him to come into his office.
"What is your name?" was the first thing the Master Chief asked the new guy. "John," the new guy replied.
The Master Chief scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart, liberal pansy stuff they're teaching sailors in Boot camp today, but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my Sailors by their last name only - Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all.
I am to be referred to only as 'Master Chief.'
Do I make myself clear?"
"Yes, Master Chief!"
"Good! Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"
The new guy sighed and said, "Darling. My name is John Darling, Master Chief."
"Okay, John, the next thing I want to tell you is..."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++

In the spring of 1957 a sailor went to pick up his date. When he goes to the front door, the girl's father answers and invites him in. "Carrie's not ready yet, so why don't you have a seat?"

"That's cool" says the sailor.

Carrie's father asks the sailor what they're planning to do.

The sailor replies politely that they will probably just go to the soda shop or a movie.

Carrie's father responds "why don't you two go out and screw? I hear all the kids are doing it."

Naturally, this comes as a quite a surprise to the young sailor - so he asks Carrie's Dad to repeat it.

"Yeah," says Carrie's father, "Carrie really likes to screw; she'll screw all night if we let her!"

Well, this just made the sailor's eyes light up, and his plan for the evening was beginning to look pretty good.

A few minutes later, Carrie comes downstairs in her little poodle skirt and announces that she's ready to go. Almost breathless with anticipation, the young sailor escorts his date out the front door.

About 20 minutes later, Carrie rushes back into the house, slams the door behind her, and screams at her father:

" DAMMIT DADDY! IT'S CALLED THE TWIST!!!"

And a couple of quick football jokes

If the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

And speaking of the Jaguars:

Three fans were bemoaning the sorry state of the Jaguars.

“I blame the general manager,” said the first fan. “If he signed better players, we’d be a great team.”

“I blame the players,” said the second fan. “If they made more of
an effort, we’d score some points.”

“I blame my parents,” said the third. “If I’d been born in Denver, I’d be supporting a decent team.”