Epidemic JOW #735

It seems the worst of the Ebola Crisis has faded.  I thought the best line so far was that the recommendation of the jet that flew an Ebola patient should be renamed the “Ebola Gay.”  (For younger readers who did not get that joke, look up ‘WWII atomic bomber’.)

The Nigerian government has announced that the Nigeria is now officially ‘Ebola free’.  “We are glad it is gone,” an unnamed official reported, “It was costing us a fortune in bribes.  Yes, there are still many sick people here, but they do not have the Ebola; definitely not Ebola.”

With no new cases in the US, the cable news outlets seemed bereft of something to talk about; they stared at one another for a bit and talked half-heartedly about the upcoming mid-term election. There was a rumor one of the Fox affiliates in LA was going to have a producer get into a car chase with the cops; they had the helicopter ready to go when they were saved by a the story of a  crazed woman stalker who got herself stuck in her would-be boyfriend’s chimney.

Now that the media frenzy/hysteria about Ebola has faded somewhat I thought I might do some medically themed jokes.  Enjoy.

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A redneck felt sick and decided to go to the doctor. The doctor examined him.

"I can't seem to find the problem, but I think it has something to do with alcohol."

"Well," said the redneck, "then I'll come back when you're sober.'

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

With a screech of brakes, an ambulance pulls up at the local casualty ward and an unconscious hippie is wheeled out on a gurney. The doctor questions his long-haired colleagues.

''So what is he on?'' asks the physician. ''Acid? Heroin?''

''No,'' replies one of the hippies, nervously thumbing his caftan. ''But we ran out of dope, so I skinned up a homemade spliff.''

''And what was in that?'' asks the doctor.

''Um, I kind of raided my girlfriend's spice rack.'' says the hippie. ''There was a bit of cumin, coriander, ground nuts, turmeric and a little paprika mixed with yogurt.''

''Well, that explains it,'' the doctor replies, looking at them gravely. ''This man is in a Korma.''

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The instructor in the Medical College exhibited a diagram.
         "The subject here limps," he explained, "because one leg is shorter than the other." He addressed one of the students:
       "Now, Mr. Snead, what would you do in such a case?"
 Young Snead pondered earnestly and replied with conviction:
      "I would probably limp, too."

=========================

 “Did you hear about the guy who lost his left arm and leg in a car accident?”

“Don’t worry, he’s all right now.”

……………………………………………..

A blond is having sharp pains in her side.

The doctor examines her and says, “You have acute appendicitis.”

Whimpering, the blond says, “that’s nice of you doc, but I’m here for medical advice.”

+++++++++++++++++++++++++

 Patient: Doctor, Doctor, I broke my arm in two places!
 Doctor: Stay out of them places!

……………….

A patient walks into a doctor's office and addresses the MD.  “Doctor, people ignore me.”
             Doctor: “Next!”

……………….

Doctor: Did you take those pills I gave you to improve your memory?
             Patient: What pills?

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

 In Ireland there is a mental institution that every year picks two of its most improved patients and questions them. If they get the questions right they are free to leave. This year the two lucky patients were Patty and Mike. They were called down to the office and left there by the orderly. They were told to wait as the doctor got their files. The doctor came out and motioned for Patty to come in for her questioning.
             When Patty came into the office, she was instructed to sit in the seat across from the doctor. "Patty, you know the tradition of this institution so I imagine you know why you are here. You will be asked two questions, and if you get them right, you will be free to go. Do you understand all that you have been told?" said the doctor.

Patty nodded, and the doctor began to question her.
             The first question was this: "Patty, if I was to poke out one of your eyes, what would happen?"

"I would be half blind of course," Patty answered without much thought.

"What would happen if I poked out the other eye?"

"I would be completely blind," said Patty knowing that she had just gotten her freedom.     The doctor then sent her outside while he drew up the paperwork and accessed Mike's files.
            When Patty got into the waiting room however, she told Mike what the questions would be and what the correct answers were. The doctor calls in Mike and he followed the same procedure that he had with Patty. "Mike, the first question is what would happen if I cut off your ear?"

"I would be blind in one eye," he said remembering what he had been told.
      This received a perplexed look from the doctor but he just simply asks the other question so that he could figure out what the man was thinking. "Mike, what would happen if I cut off your other ear?"

"I would be completely blind," he answered with a smile as if he knew he had passed.
             “And why is that?”

            "My hat would fall down over my eyes."

And finally, Tor sent me a Priest's Retirement Speech

A Catholic priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish. A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However, he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited:

“I got my first impression of the parish from the very first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer, had an affair with his boss’s wife; had taken illegal drugs; he was a thoroughly corrupt person.  I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things. But as the days went on, I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.”

Just as the Priest finished his talk, the politician arrived full of himself and unapologetic about being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk:

“I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived,” said the politician. “In fact, I had the honor of being the first person to go to him for confession.”