Uniformily JOW #746

My wife asked me a question last night.  “Why are there so many shows on TV like JAGS, and NCIS that highlight the Navy but so few shows that deal with the other services?  There was MASH a few years back but they always portrayed the regular Army as a bunch of bumbling screw-ups.”

“Well,” I replied, “it must be that people in the navy are just more interesting and, of course, better looking than those in the other services.
“Yes,” Commander Ruth agreed, nodding her head in agreement. “That must be it. At least they have that part realistic.”

With those wise words ringing in my ears, I thought to provide you with some good old military-themed jokes. 

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The reason the Air Force, Army, Navy and Marines bicker amongst themselves is that they don’t speak the same language. As I have mentioned before, just take the simple phrase “secure the building”.

The Navy will turn out the lights and lock the doors.

The Army will post guards around the place.

The Air Force will take out a 5 year lease with an option to buy.

The Marines will assault the building and kill everybody inside.

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As the recruits stood in formation at the Pensacola Naval Air Station, the Flight Instructor said, “All right! All you dummies fall out.”

As the rest of the squad wandered away, one man remained at attention. The instructor walked over until he was eye-to-eye with him, and then just raised a single eyebrow.

He smiled and said, “Sure was a lot of ‘em, huh sir?”

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A Sergeant addressed a squad of 25: "I have a nice easy job for the laziest man here. Put up your hand if you are the laziest."

Twenty four men raised their hands.  The sergeant asked the other man "why didn't you raise your hand?"

The man replied: "Too much trouble raising the hand, Sarge."

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At one Army base, the annual trip to the rifle range had been canceled for the second year in a row, but the semi-annual physical fitness test was still on as planned. One soldier mused, “Does it bother anyone else that the Army doesn’t seem to care how well we can shoot, but they are extremely interested in how fast we can run?”

Here is another grim joke on notifying next of kin.

The Captain called the Sergeant in. “Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private Jones’ mother died yesterday. Better go tell him and send him in to see me.” So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation and lines up all the troops. “Listen up, men,” says the Sergeant.

“Johnson, report to the mess hall for KP. Smith, report to Personnel to sign some papers. The rest of you men report to the Motor Pool for maintenance. Except you Jones, your mother died, report to the commander.”

Later that day the Captain called the Sergeant into his office. “Hey, Sarge, that was a pretty cold way to inform Jones his mother died. Couldn’t you be a bit more tactful, next time?”

“Yes, sir,” answered the Sarge. A few months later, the Captain called the Sergeant in again with,

“Sarge, I just got a telegram that Private McGrath’s mother died. You’d better go tell him and send him in to see me. This time be more tactful.”

So the Sergeant calls for his morning formation. “Ok, men, fall in and listen up. Everybody with a mother, take two steps forward. NOT SO FAST, McGrath!”

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Q: What's it called when a soldier slips into a fox hole?

A: Bestiality.

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You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?" Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, gave him a heading to Vegas, and sent him on his way. The day after that to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... Only this time there were two people in the plane.

The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane.  You have to tell her where I was last night!"

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And finally something off topic.

Some years ago a successful lawyer flew from Houston to Vegas for the weekend to gamble. He lost the big, and had nothing left but a quarter and the second half of his round trip ticket. All he needed to do was somehow get to the airport, and then he'd be home-free.
So he went out to the front of the casino where there was a cab waiting. He got in and explained his situation to the cabbie. He promised to send the driver money from home. He offered to pay him by credit card (which they did not accept back then), his driver’s license number, his address, etc...
The cabbie said, ''If you don't have fifteen dollars, get the hell out of my cab!''
So the lawyer was forced to hitchhike to the airport and was barely in time to catch his flight.
One year later the lawyer, having worked long and hard to regain his financial success, returned to Vegas and this time he won big. Feeling pretty good about himself, he went out to the front of the casino to get a cab ride back to the airport. Well who should he see out there, at the end of a long line of cabs, but the obnoxious cabbie who had refused to give him a ride when he was down on his luck.
The lawyer thought for a moment about how he could make the guy pay for his lack of charity, and he hit on a plan.
The lawyer leans into the first cab in the line, ''How much for a ride to the airport,'' he asked?
''Fifteen bucks,'' came the reply.
''And how much for you to give me a blowjob on the way?''
''What?! Get the hell out of my cab.''
The lawyer went to each cab in the long line and asked the same questions, with the same result.
When he got to his old friend at the back of the line, he got in and asked, ''How much for a ride to the airport?''
The cabbie replied, ''Fifteen bucks.''
The lawyer said, ''OK,'' and off they went. Then, as they drove slowly past the long line of cabs, the lawyer gave a big smile and thumbs up sign to each of the other drivers.