Red White and JOW #768

The American mid-summer holiday is here, celebrated by food, flags, and fireworks.  I suppose the 4^th of July is a classic American holiday: it provides us with the excuse to eat too much food, drink too much beer, and set off explosives.  Of note, John Hancock was the only person to actually sign the Declaration of Independence on July 4th, 1776. The other signers did not sign it until August 2nd, 1776 or even later, so I would be justified in sending out July Fourth humor after the Fourth of the month, but what the heck, here are a few topical bits in advance.

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Joe: My brother swallowed a box of firecrackers.
Moe: Is he all right now?
Joe: I don’t know. I haven’t heard the last report.

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Father William, the old priest, made it a practice to visit the parish school one day a week. He walked into the 4th grade class, where the children were studying the states, and asked them how many states they could name. They came up with about 40 names.  Father William jokingly told them that in his day students knew the names of all the states.

One lad raised his hand and said, 'Yes sir, but in those days there were a lot fewer states.

A Tom Swifty
“Don’t light those fireworks!” Tom exploded.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

“The Star- Spangled Banner” was not written by Jose Kanusee.

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The Fourth of July weekend was approaching, and Miss Pelham, the nursery school teacher, took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism. 'We live in a great country,' she announced. 'One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free.'

Trevor, who was a little boy in her class, came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said loudly, 'I'm not free. I'm four.' 

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I get a few jokes sent to me from time to time; sort of revenge I guess.  I am forwarding a few of them to you.   I hope everyone has a wonderful Fourth of July. 

Dick sent me many of these.

You can tell a lot from a woman’s mood from her hands.  For example, if she has a gun in those hands and is pointing it at you she is probably angry.

If the Russian President was to step up onto a case of golden round crackers would that be “Putin on the Ritz”?

If someone hates you for no reason, give that asshole a reason to hate you.

Some people are not stupid, they just have bad luck when they try to think.

I am not saying we should kill all the stupid people.  We should just remove all the warning labels and let things sort themselves out.

I have got to quite saying ‘How stupid are you.’  Too many people are taking it as a challenge.

People who claim there is no such thing as a stupid question have never worked at a help desk.

I am sorry if I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid.  I thought you already knew.

This one is from Tom

A big earthquake with the strength of 8.1 on the Richter scale hit the Middle East killing two million Muslims.   The countries there are totally ruined, and the governments don't know where to start to help.

The world is quick to respond.

The USA is sending troops to help.

Saudi Arabia is sending oil.

Latin American countries are sending supplies.

New Zealand is sending sheep.

The Asian continent countries are sending vast numbers unskilled labor to assist.

Canada is sending medical teams and supplies.

The British, not to be outdone, has offered two million replacement Muslims.

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From Keith

QUOTES SAID TO BE FROM ACTUAL FEDERAL EMPLOYEE PERFORMANCE EVALUATIONS:

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

2. "His men would follow him anywhere, but only out of morbid curiosity."

3. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

4. "This employee is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

5. "Works well when under constant supervision and when cornered like a rat in a trap."

6. "When she opens her mouth, it seems that it is only to change feet."

7. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

8. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

9. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

10. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."

11. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."

12. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."

13. "A gross ignoramus -- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

14. "He certainly takes a long time to make his pointless."

15. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

16. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

17. "He's been working with glue too much."

18. "He would argue with a signpost."

19. "He has a knack for making strangers immediately."

20. "He brings joy whenever he leaves the room."

21. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

22. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

23. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

24. "A prime candidate for natural de-selection."

25. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

26. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

27. "Has two brains: one is lost and the other is out looking for it."

28. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

29. "If you give him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

30. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

31. "It's hard to believe that he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

32. "One neuron short of a synapse."

33. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

34. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes."

And finally some more of Keith’s last minute puns.

§  This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.

§  I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.

§  A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils.

§  When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.

§  What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.

§  England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.

§  I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.

§  I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.

§  Velcro - what a rip off!

§  Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.