Auto JOW #768

Several people forward on my Jokes of the Week and forward them on to others, which is fine with me.  Andreas took one of my little one liners about adderall giving a Fiesta Focus and wound up with a whole string of rapid fire one liners.  That gave me the idea to share a portion of the string and also add a few other automobile-related jokes.  Enjoy

I left my Adderall in my Ford Fiesta, now it’s a Ford Focus.

AZ: On the flip side, the drugs wear off so by tomorrow it'll be a Ford Siesta again.

JT: It's a Siesta if you take Ambien.

AZ: Oh my. I just remembered the beans I left in there... it'll be a Pinto!

JT: ...and if it's enough beans, it's a YuGo.

AZ: Well, if there was thunder in that Pinto, it would be a Thunderbird

AZ: add all the beans, vodka and red bull, and you get a Ford Fusion!

AZ: ... or a DMC De Lorean

AZ: Let's stick to FORD: Probe? Mustang? Cobra? Crown Vic? Escape? Ranger?

JT: We can Aspire to that.

AZ: Just checked on my car's roof. Not hawk poop. Falcon!

AZ: WTH? Tom Cruise? Maverick?!?

AZ: Or expire. Remember that grenade I left in there? Granada!

AZ: And then I forgot Dora in there... Explorer!

JT: Would give it a different Contour for sure.

AZ: They wouldn't like who I found in there this morning... he said he was in "Transit" - going from some place to somewhere...

AZ: ... and he had brought a full tank of oxygen. Turned it into an Aerostar.

JT: Looking for an Escort?

AZ: BTW - the escort was a Cougar...

AZ: OMG. Stars, Meteors. Asteroids. PULSAR, SKYLINER, STARLINER, GALAXY...

JT: As with all Fords, they always go out with a big bang. Same way or Galaxy was formed.

AZ: Let's trip. ESCAPE!

AS: And now the Explorers figure out why all Blades are Escape-ing like Pulsar to the new Galaxy, when instead of Focus-ing on your work you guys are doing Siesta here!!!!

All that got me thinking about car acronyms   

BMW
Broken Money Waster

Camaro
Can't America Make A Real One?

Croen
Crummy Interior, Terrible Road-holding, Owned Entirely by Nerds

Dodge
Drips Oil & Drops Grease Everywhere

Ford
Found On Road Dead

GMC
Garage Man's Companion

Lotus
Lots Of Trouble, Usually Serious

Renault
Retarded Engine, No Acceleration, Ugly Lump of Trash

Saab
Swedish Automobile - Always Broken

Volvo
Very Odd Looking Vehicular Object
VW
Virtually Worthless

Some random car related jokes.

·         A guy walks into a shop and says: "I'd like a gas cap for my KIA." The shop owner thinks for a few seconds and replies: "Ok, that seems like a fair trade."

·         What car does a Proctologist drive? A brown Ford Probe.

·         Apparently I snore so loudly that it scares everyone in the car I'm driving.

·         Some guy stole my car.  I thought about calling the police but then decided what the heck, let him explain the bodies in the trunk.

·         What do you call a newspaper article about a Dodge Viper driver? An obituary.

And here are a couple of church-themed jokes

Two elderly, excited Southern women were sitting together in the front pew of church listening to a fiery preacher.
When this preacher condemned the sin of stealing, these two ladies cried out at the top of their lungs, "AMEN, BROTHER!"
When the preacher condemned the sin of lust, they yelled again, "PREACH IT, REVEREND!"
And when the preacher condemned the sin of drinking, they jumped to their feet and screamed, "RIGHT ON, BROTHER! TELL IT LIKE IT IS! AMEN!"
But when the preacher condemned the sin of gossip, the two got very quiet. One turned to the other and said, "He's quit preaching and now he's meddlin'."

And the always some church bulletin malapropos.  I am in the final edits of The Old King and can relate.

The Fasting & Prayer conference includes meals.

--------------------------

The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water. 'The sermon tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'

--------------------------

Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of those things not worth keeping around the house. Bring your husbands.

--------------------------

Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help. 

--------------------------

Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving obvious pleasure to the congregation.

--------------------------

For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

--------------------------

Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the church. So ends a friendship that began in their school days.

--------------------------

At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is Hell?' Come early and listen to our choir practice.

--------------------------

Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of several new members and to the deterioration of some older ones.

--------------------------

Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased person you want remembered.

--------------------------

The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and gracious hostility.

--------------------------

Pot-luck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.

--------------------------

The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may be seen in the basement on Friday afternoon.

--------------------------

This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across from the Church. Bring a blanket and come prepared to sin.

--------------------------

Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 PM . Please use the back door.

--------------------------

Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church. Please use large double door at the side entrance.