Proper punctuation JOW #767

I am on the final legs now of edits for The Old King, which has be thinking about punctuation.

I admit that have trouble with punctuation.  I just don’t have any ‘comma sense’.  For example I forget to use the Oxford comma.  It is one of the most important grammatical symbols that one can use.  It’s the comma one uses before the last item in a list, such as: My heroes are my parents, Superman and Wonder Woman.  It clarifies sentences, prevents errors, and even helps to keep writing concise. What happens when it goes missing? you may ask. Well, the truth is that complete and utter chaos erupts.  Here are some more examples:

o   I like hanging out with my friends, drinking good beer and driving fast.

o   Highlights of his world tour included encounters with Nelson Mandela, an 800 year old demigod and a dildo collector.

This train (wreck) of thought inevitably leads to more punctuation humor:

Ø  Attention - toilet only for disabled elderly pregnant children.

Ø  ‘Well done steak’ is very different than praise to a piece of meat: ‘Well done, steak.’

Ø  Rachael Ray finds inspiration in cooking her family and her dog.

I remember some of the phrases they to use to teach us to learn grammar and punctuation.

·         A cat has claws at the ends of its paws and a comma is a pause at the end of a clause.

·         A comma is the difference between “What is this thing called love?” and “What is this thing called, love?”

·         Early men hunted mammoths armed with spears.

·         The bar was walked into by the passive voice.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

Q: When does a dialect become a language?

A: When its speakers get an army and a navy.

Q: How do you get ten English teachers to agree on the best teaching method?

A: Shoot nine of them.

Q: What English word begins and ends with the same 3 letters?

A: Underground

Q: Is there a word in the English language that uses all the vowels including "y”?

A: Unquestionablely!

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A man told me that he had finally finished a 10 year sentence. To which I replied "Learn some punctuation, man"

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Write clearly and remember what they say about Ambiguity: what happens in vagueness stays in vagueness.

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Alas the poetic career of Edgar Allen Typo was cut short when publishers rejected his poem “The Raman”

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Dear girls, we hate periods, too.  Sincerely, commas.

This one is left over from the chemistry JOW.
Teacher: What is irony?

Student: "Irony is when something has the chemical symbol Fe."
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

A Texan was visiting Harvard University, and was lost. He stopped a student and asked, "Do you know where the library is at?"

"I sure do," replied the student, "But, you know, you're not supposed to end sentences with prepositions."

"What?"

"Prepositions. You ended your sentence with an 'at', which you aren't supposed to do."

"Oh, ok," said the Texan, "Do you know where the library is at, asshole?"

A couple of silly genie jokes to reward those of you who made it this far.

A man walked into a bar.  Looking around he saw the place was empty except for the bartender and a guy at the end of the bar who had this enormous orange head – very weird.  Since he did not like to drink alone he wandered down and sat beside Mr. Big Orange Head. 

After sitting and drinking in companionable silence for a few minutes the guy finally turned and said, “I’ll buy you a drink if you will tell me about your head.”

Mr. Big Orange Head nodded and began his tale.

“I am an anthropologist.  I was doing some daring excavations in the war torn Middle East. I had just opened a new room when there were sounds of gunfire at the entrance of the ruins.  I grabbed an ancient brass lamp, thinking I could light it later and dashed further into the darkness.  I rubbed the lamp to see it a little better and – poof – in a cloud of purple smoke a genie emerged.”

“Thank you mortal for freeing me from my thousand year prison.  In return I will grant you three wishes.”

“So the first thing I said was ‘Get me home, safe and sound.’ So -poof- I found myself back in my home here.  The next thing I asked was for great wealth.  –poof- I was sitting on this huge pile of cash.”

“So what did you ask for your third wish?”

“Well, that was when I made my mistake. I asked for an enormous orange head.”

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A man and an ostrich walk into a restaurant. The waitress asks, "What will it be?"
The man replied "a burger and a coke."

"And you?"

"I'll have the same," the ostrich replies. They finish their meal and pay.

"That will be $14.50," The man reached into his pocket and pulled out the exact amount.

They do this every day for the next four days.

When they come in the waitress is ready for them."The usual?" she asked.

"No, today is Friday. I'll have steak and a coke."
"Me too." says the ostrich. They finish and pay. "That will be $30.95"
The man reached in and pulls out the exact amount again just like all week.
The waitress was dumb-founded. "How is it that you always have the exact amount?"
"Well," says the man. "I was cleaning my attic and I found a dusty lamp. I rubbed it and a genie appeared.

"Wow!" said the waitress. "What did you wish for?"
"I asked that when I needed to pay for something, the exact amount would appear in my pocket."

"Amazing! Most people would ask for a million dollars. But what's with the ostrich?"

"Well," said the man. "I also asked for a chick with long legs."