Donated JOW #777

I get a lot of input from JOW sufferers, I guess in an attempt to extract some revenge.

Keith has a twisted a sense of humor as I do.  Maybe he had been watching recent showings of Moonstruck because he sent me some revised lyrics from the old Dean Martin song “That’s Amore”.      The problem is that the tune gets stuck in your head.  Then you start making up twisted verses.  It all starts so simply…

When the moon hits your eye
Like a big pizza pie,
That's amore.

When an eel bites your hand
And that's not what you planned,
That's a moray.

When our habits are strange
And our customs deranged,
That's our mores.

When your horse munches straw
And the bales total four,
That's some more hay.

When Othello's poor wife
She gets stabbed with a knife,
That's a Moor, eh?

A camping sweet treat

that all Girl Scouts will eat

That's Sa'Mores, eh?

When Canucks are so nice
that they give one more slice
That's some more 'eh?

Now try to get that song out of your head…

Keith also forwarded this one:

A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of guns who want off, get the heck off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of guns who are getting on, get your behinds in the train, 'cause we're going down the tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room, and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are annoyed about the TWO-HOUR delay, please see the witch in the kitchen."

-----------------------------

Bill provided me with this one:

A cowboy walked into a crowded bar, waving his revolver and yelled, "I have a Colt .45 with six bullets for the SOB who's been sleeping with my wife!"

A voice from the back of the room called out...."You don't have enough ammo!"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Dick sent me a few good ones; the first couple invoke my redneck background:

**************

A  question for you:  If a boy and a girl get married in West Virginia and then move to Kentucky and subsequently get divorced, are they still brother and sister?

………………….

Two rednecks were talking:

“Roy, can I ask you a question?  When you go hunting’ in the fall and if I go over to your house and make it with your wife and she get pregnant and has a kid, does that make us kin?”

“Well, I don’t know about that Bubba but it does make us even.”

 And these classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers: 

FREE PUPPIES

1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog. 

FREE PUPPIES. 

Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. 

Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound. 

  

JOINING NUDIST COLONY! 

Must sell washer and dryer £100. 

WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE . 

Worn once by mistake. 

Call Stephanie. 

FOR SALE BY OWNER. 

Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes. 

Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything. 

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++

Which got me on to the low state of what passes for journalism these days:

Yellow Journalism in Tabloid Headlines Today

These are some real headlines published recently in newspapers.

Titanic Survivors Found Onboard

Dick Cheney is a Robot - When he goes to the hospital, it’s to get his circuits rewired

Severed Leg Hops to Hospital

Hubby’s Bad Breath Kills His Wife

Vampires Attack US Troops

Half-Man Half-Dog Baffles Doctors

Alien Bible Found, They Worship Oprah

Man’s 174-mph Sneeze Blows Wife’s Hair Off 

Teen’s Hair Changes Color … With her Mood!

Supreme Court Judges are Naked Under Robes!

Chain-smoker Kicks 30-year Habit … Then Chokes to Death on Wad of Nicotine Gum!

Dolphin Grows Human Arms

Man Gives Birth to a Healthy Baby Boy

Abraham Lincoln was a Woman

Jesus Action Figure Heals the Sick

Half of U.S. hookers are space aliens – and they don’t have sex organs!

Man makes $60,000 a year as human lawn jockey

Nazi UFOs to Attack U.S.

Snake with Human Head Found in Arkansas

News Reporter Eaten Alive by 80-Ft Dinosaur

Man’s Head Explodes in Barber’s Chair

Is Your Cat from Mars?

Oenophile's JOW #776

From time to time I look in the mirror and realize that I am getting older.  I wanted to be a lot of things when I grew up but wrinkled was not one of them.  Being older is not all bad; I am more confident, and I have reached an age where I can drink with my kids instead of because of them.  Mostly these days I prefer to drink wine.  I drink a glass of wine each night for my health.  The other glasses I drink are just for fun.  I have noticed that wine improves with age. The older I get, the better I like it.   My version of that old prayer is – “Dear Lord please give me coffee to change those things that I can change and wine to accept those that I cannot.”

So here are some jokes and quotes for the oenophiles – (wine lovers)

Some wine quotes:

·         I think wine is to women as duct tape is to men: it fixes everything. –Anon.

·         “Men are like wine – some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age.” -Pope John XXIII

·         Penicillin cures, but wine makes people happy. - Alexander Fleming

·         My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. She drinks her wine right out of the bottle. - Henny Youngman

·         There may be truth in wine but you never see it listed on the ingredients.  – Josh Stern

“Don't forget to buy the milk, do you hear me?!" the wife sternly instructed her husband.
"I hear you..." he muttered in reply.

"And get low fat, not the whole milk!"
"Take it easy, I won't..."

"And don't buy wine instead of milk, like you did the last time, do you remember?!"
"Of course I remember..."

"And no beer, like the time before that, understand?!"
"I do, I do...."

"Well, go then!"

... Ten minutes later in the grocery store:

"What did she tell me to buy - was it wine or beer? Oh, well, I'll better take both, just in case."

=======================

Father O'Reilly was driving down to Boston when got stopped for speeding in Medford. The highway patrol officer smelled alcohol on the priest's breath and then saw an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He said, 'Father, have you been drinking?'

'Only water', replied Father O'Reilly.

The policeman asked, 'Then how come I can smell wine?'

The priest looked at the bottle and said, 'Good Lord! He's done it again.'

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Huang Chan was a rich man who was deliberately tough on his poor farmhand, Wong. Huang Chan gave Wong a bottle and said, 'Buy me a bottle of wine.'

Wong, the poor farmhand enquired, 'How can I buy you wine with no money at all?'
Huang Chan replied disdainfully, 'Anyone can buy wine with money. It takes real skill to buy wine without money.'

Time elapsed and Wong eventually returned farmhand returned with the empty bottle. He handed the bottle to Huang Chan and murmured, 'Enjoy the wine, please.'

Staring at the empty bottle with some dismay, Huang asked, 'There is no wine, how can I enjoy this?'

Wong replied to Huang Chan, with a straight face, 'Anyone can enjoy wine if there is some.  It takes real skill to enjoy wine when there is none.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Six retired lawyers were playing poker when Bill loses $700 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. John looks around and asks, 'Oh, dear, someone's got to tell Bill's wife. Who will it be?'

They draw straws.
Pat picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet and gentle and not to make a bad situation any worse.'

“Discreet? I'm the most discreet lawyer you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me.' announces Pat.

He goes over to Bill's house and knocks on the door. 
Bill’s wife answers and asks what he wants.

Pat declares: 'Your husband just lost $700 at poker and is afraid to come home.'

'Tell him to drop dead!' snarls Brenda.

‘I’ll go tell him.' says Pat, withdrawing.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

Lady Interviewer: Do you drink?
Man: Yes

Lady Interviewer: How much a day?
Man: Around 1/2 a bottle of whisky.

Lady Interviewer: How much does a bottle of whisky cost?
Man: Roughly $30.00.

Lady Interviewer: How long have you been drinking like that?
Man: 30 years

Lady Interviewer: That means you have spent roughly $150,000 on booze.
Man: OK

Lady Interviewer: Did it ever occur to you that if you did not drink you could have bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink?
Lady Interviewer: No

Man: So where is your Ferrari?

****************

Here is a song sung by Homer Simpson to the familiar Do Ray Me song

Dough: The stuff I need to buy me beer
Ray: The feller who sells me beer

Me: The guy who drinks the beer

Far: The distance to my beer

So: I think I'll have a beer

La: La la la la la la beer
Tea: No thanks, I'm drinking beer

That will bring us back to: [Looking into his empty glass] Doh!

Dogs Days Again JOW #775

Keith sent me some jokes about why dogs are better than kids.  That reminded me that these are the Dog Days of summer when I often include jokes about dogs.  We seem to either spoil our dogs outrageously or treat them badly.  They say dog is man’s best friend but I ask you, would you have your best friend neutered?  Okay, maybe some of you would….

At any rate here are a bunch of various dog-related jokes for your amusement.

Why Dogs Are Better than Kids

·         Dogs cannot lie.

·         Dogs never resist nap time.

·         You don't need to get a cell phone for a dog.

·         Dogs don't care if the peas have been touched by the potatoes.

·         Average cost of sending a dog to school: $42...

·         Average cost of sending a kid: $103,000...

·         Dogs are housebroken by the time they are 12 weeks old.

·         Your dog isn't embarrassed if you sing in public.

A police officer was sitting his car with his K9 partner in the back seat. A man walked over and asked, “Is that a dog in the back seat?”

The officer said, “It sure is.”

The man responded, “Wow, what did he do?”

…………………..

I tell ya, my dog is lazy. He don’t chase cars. He sits on the curb and takes down license plate numbers.

—Rodney Dangerfield

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

What has four legs and one arm?
A happy Pit bull.

Signs You Have a Dumb Dog:
Lengthy pause after "Bow" while it tries to remember "Wow"
Buries tail, wags bones
When you give him Alpo, he just eats the meat by-products
Despite the overwhelming evidence, still smokes two packs a day
Showed up at the Whoopi Goldberg roast in catface
Has suffered over two dozen concussions from toilet seat falling on his head
Thinks "Snausages" is a real word
Favors Homer J Trump, because he really thinks he'd be a good president
Constantly chasing people named "Katz"

Excuses for Losing the Dog Show:

 Mistaken in assumption there would be chance to show off talent for drinking from toilet

 Bad idea going to Don King's barber
 Lifelong battle with problem drool
 During spelling portion, spelled "ubiquitous" with two B's
 Didn't know that was the judge's leg
 Since the money goes to trainer anyway, so let him stand naked in Madison Square Garden and get touched by a stranger in a bad suit
 Like him, the whole thing was fixed 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When our client’s dog lapped up anti-freeze, the veterinarian I work for ordered a unique treatment: an IV drip mixing fluids with vodka. “Go buy the cheapest bottle you can find,” he told me.

At the liquor store, I was uneasy buying cheap booze so early in the day, and I felt compelled to explain things to the clerk.

“Believe it or not,” I said, “this is for a sick dog.”

As I was leaving, the next customer plunked down two bottles of muscatel and announced, “These are for my cats.”

***************************

Two racehorses are in a stable. One says to the other, “You know, before that last race …”

“The one that you won?” asks the other horse.

“Yeah, before that race, I felt a pinch in my hindquarters.”

The other horse says, “Funny, I felt a pinch in my hindquarters before the race that I won.”

A dog walking by says, “You idiots, you’re being doped. They’re injecting you with a drug to make you faster!”

The first horse turns to the other and says, “Wow!  Look at that, a talking dog!”

--------------------------------------
A Dachshund walks into a telegraph office, picks up a blank form, and writes: “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”

The clerk looks over the paper for a minute before telling the dog, “You know, there are only nine words here. You could add another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”

The Dachshund shakes his head at the clerk in disbelief. “But that would make no sense at all.”

Some Dog Breeds I would like to see

Pointer X Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
Kerry Blue Terrier X Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries
Great Pyrenees X Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
Pekingnese X Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog
Irish Water Spaniel X English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
Labrador Retriever X Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of researchers
Newfoundland X Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
Terrier X Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
Bloodhound X Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
Malamute X Pointer = Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway
Collie X Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work
Deerhound X Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end
Cocker Spaniel x Rottweiller = Cockrot, the perfect puppy for that philandering ex-husband
Bull Terrier x Shitzu = Bullshitz, a gregarious but unreliable breed

Finally a shaggy dog story

An old man lived with his hound-dog, Mace, in a run-down shack on the outskirts of town. He had no family and only a few meager possessions: a table and chair, a bed, a bag of hand tools, and his dog. He used the tools to do odd jobs in town, for which he usually would be paid enough to get food for the next day. Mace and his master lived from one day to the next on what little these jobs would bring in.
The dog was just a normal hound, with one exception: while most dogs like to chew on grass occasionally, Mace loved it. When the old man was in town, Mace would spend the day in the yard in front of the house, chewing away on the lawn.
One bright, sunny day the old man said goodbye to his dog and headed in to town to work. He had a plumbing repair job in one of the homes there that would take him most of the day and would probably pay enough for food for the remainder of the week, if he managed the money carefully. He headed for town with a spring in his step and a whistle on his lips.
Inside the house and ready to start, the old man reached in the bag for his wrench. To his surprise he didn't feel it. He dug around again, but there didn't seem to be any wrench. He looked in the bag, then dumped its contents on the floor, but still no wrench. Reality set in. Without a wrench he couldn't finish the job, and without the pay he couldn't even buy food for supper, let alone tomorrow.
When he finally came to grips with reality, he told the lady who hired him what the situation was. While she sympathized with his situation, the job needed to be done. If the old man couldn't do it, she would have to hire someone else.
The old man packed up his tools and headed home, head bowed and shoulders stooped. The whistle was gone and no longer was there a spring in his step. A walk that normally took 15 minutes seemed to last forever. But finally the old shack came into view, and there was Mace in the distance, munching away as usual on the lawn.
When the dog saw his master, he came running, tail wagging, telling the old man how glad he was to see him. Kneeling beside the hound, the man began to pet him, and through ear-filled eyes told the dog that there would be no supper tonight and no food for tomorrow. What's more, without money to buy a new wrench, he had no idea what the future held. It was the loneliest, most helpless feeling he had ever had!
Then he caught a glimpse of something shining in the grass. As the old man cover to see what this piece of shining material was, his despair turned in an instant to joy! It was the wrench! The old man had dropped it on his way out that morning, and it would have been lost forever had Mace not been eating farther away from the house than he usually did!
The old man grabbed the dog, gave him a hug that almost suffocated him, and ran into the house. Reaching for a stub of pencil and the only piece of paper he had, he wrote a moving tribute to his canine companion.
Few people have ever heard these words...until now, that is. One man who did happen to read them changed them a bit and has his name recorded in music history. The old man never did get the credit he deserved. But now you on are are privileged to read the beginning line of his original poem, which went:

"A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound that saved a wrench for me."