Dogs Days Again JOW #775

Keith sent me some jokes about why dogs are better than kids.  That reminded me that these are the Dog Days of summer when I often include jokes about dogs.  We seem to either spoil our dogs outrageously or treat them badly.  They say dog is man’s best friend but I ask you, would you have your best friend neutered?  Okay, maybe some of you would….

At any rate here are a bunch of various dog-related jokes for your amusement.

Why Dogs Are Better than Kids

·         Dogs cannot lie.

·         Dogs never resist nap time.

·         You don't need to get a cell phone for a dog.

·         Dogs don't care if the peas have been touched by the potatoes.

·         Average cost of sending a dog to school: $42...

·         Average cost of sending a kid: $103,000...

·         Dogs are housebroken by the time they are 12 weeks old.

·         Your dog isn't embarrassed if you sing in public.

A police officer was sitting his car with his K9 partner in the back seat. A man walked over and asked, “Is that a dog in the back seat?”

The officer said, “It sure is.”

The man responded, “Wow, what did he do?”

…………………..

I tell ya, my dog is lazy. He don’t chase cars. He sits on the curb and takes down license plate numbers.

—Rodney Dangerfield

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

What has four legs and one arm?
A happy Pit bull.

Signs You Have a Dumb Dog:
Lengthy pause after "Bow" while it tries to remember "Wow"
Buries tail, wags bones
When you give him Alpo, he just eats the meat by-products
Despite the overwhelming evidence, still smokes two packs a day
Showed up at the Whoopi Goldberg roast in catface
Has suffered over two dozen concussions from toilet seat falling on his head
Thinks "Snausages" is a real word
Favors Homer J Trump, because he really thinks he'd be a good president
Constantly chasing people named "Katz"

Excuses for Losing the Dog Show:

 Mistaken in assumption there would be chance to show off talent for drinking from toilet

 Bad idea going to Don King's barber
 Lifelong battle with problem drool
 During spelling portion, spelled "ubiquitous" with two B's
 Didn't know that was the judge's leg
 Since the money goes to trainer anyway, so let him stand naked in Madison Square Garden and get touched by a stranger in a bad suit
 Like him, the whole thing was fixed 

~~~~~~~~~~~~~

When our client’s dog lapped up anti-freeze, the veterinarian I work for ordered a unique treatment: an IV drip mixing fluids with vodka. “Go buy the cheapest bottle you can find,” he told me.

At the liquor store, I was uneasy buying cheap booze so early in the day, and I felt compelled to explain things to the clerk.

“Believe it or not,” I said, “this is for a sick dog.”

As I was leaving, the next customer plunked down two bottles of muscatel and announced, “These are for my cats.”

***************************

Two racehorses are in a stable. One says to the other, “You know, before that last race …”

“The one that you won?” asks the other horse.

“Yeah, before that race, I felt a pinch in my hindquarters.”

The other horse says, “Funny, I felt a pinch in my hindquarters before the race that I won.”

A dog walking by says, “You idiots, you’re being doped. They’re injecting you with a drug to make you faster!”

The first horse turns to the other and says, “Wow!  Look at that, a talking dog!”

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A Dachshund walks into a telegraph office, picks up a blank form, and writes: “Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof. Woof.”

The clerk looks over the paper for a minute before telling the dog, “You know, there are only nine words here. You could add another ‘Woof’ for the same price.”

The Dachshund shakes his head at the clerk in disbelief. “But that would make no sense at all.”

Some Dog Breeds I would like to see

Pointer X Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet
Kerry Blue Terrier X Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries
Great Pyrenees X Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed
Pekingnese X Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog
Irish Water Spaniel X English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle
Labrador Retriever X Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of researchers
Newfoundland X Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors
Terrier X Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes
Bloodhound X Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly
Malamute X Pointer = Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway
Collie X Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work
Deerhound X Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end
Cocker Spaniel x Rottweiller = Cockrot, the perfect puppy for that philandering ex-husband
Bull Terrier x Shitzu = Bullshitz, a gregarious but unreliable breed

Finally a shaggy dog story

An old man lived with his hound-dog, Mace, in a run-down shack on the outskirts of town. He had no family and only a few meager possessions: a table and chair, a bed, a bag of hand tools, and his dog. He used the tools to do odd jobs in town, for which he usually would be paid enough to get food for the next day. Mace and his master lived from one day to the next on what little these jobs would bring in.
The dog was just a normal hound, with one exception: while most dogs like to chew on grass occasionally, Mace loved it. When the old man was in town, Mace would spend the day in the yard in front of the house, chewing away on the lawn.
One bright, sunny day the old man said goodbye to his dog and headed in to town to work. He had a plumbing repair job in one of the homes there that would take him most of the day and would probably pay enough for food for the remainder of the week, if he managed the money carefully. He headed for town with a spring in his step and a whistle on his lips.
Inside the house and ready to start, the old man reached in the bag for his wrench. To his surprise he didn't feel it. He dug around again, but there didn't seem to be any wrench. He looked in the bag, then dumped its contents on the floor, but still no wrench. Reality set in. Without a wrench he couldn't finish the job, and without the pay he couldn't even buy food for supper, let alone tomorrow.
When he finally came to grips with reality, he told the lady who hired him what the situation was. While she sympathized with his situation, the job needed to be done. If the old man couldn't do it, she would have to hire someone else.
The old man packed up his tools and headed home, head bowed and shoulders stooped. The whistle was gone and no longer was there a spring in his step. A walk that normally took 15 minutes seemed to last forever. But finally the old shack came into view, and there was Mace in the distance, munching away as usual on the lawn.
When the dog saw his master, he came running, tail wagging, telling the old man how glad he was to see him. Kneeling beside the hound, the man began to pet him, and through ear-filled eyes told the dog that there would be no supper tonight and no food for tomorrow. What's more, without money to buy a new wrench, he had no idea what the future held. It was the loneliest, most helpless feeling he had ever had!
Then he caught a glimpse of something shining in the grass. As the old man cover to see what this piece of shining material was, his despair turned in an instant to joy! It was the wrench! The old man had dropped it on his way out that morning, and it would have been lost forever had Mace not been eating farther away from the house than he usually did!
The old man grabbed the dog, gave him a hug that almost suffocated him, and ran into the house. Reaching for a stub of pencil and the only piece of paper he had, he wrote a moving tribute to his canine companion.
Few people have ever heard these words...until now, that is. One man who did happen to read them changed them a bit and has his name recorded in music history. The old man never did get the credit he deserved. But now you on are are privileged to read the beginning line of his original poem, which went:

"A grazing Mace, how sweet the hound that saved a wrench for me."