Oenophile's JOW #776

From time to time I look in the mirror and realize that I am getting older.  I wanted to be a lot of things when I grew up but wrinkled was not one of them.  Being older is not all bad; I am more confident, and I have reached an age where I can drink with my kids instead of because of them.  Mostly these days I prefer to drink wine.  I drink a glass of wine each night for my health.  The other glasses I drink are just for fun.  I have noticed that wine improves with age. The older I get, the better I like it.   My version of that old prayer is – “Dear Lord please give me coffee to change those things that I can change and wine to accept those that I cannot.”

So here are some jokes and quotes for the oenophiles – (wine lovers)

Some wine quotes:

·         I think wine is to women as duct tape is to men: it fixes everything. –Anon.

·         “Men are like wine – some turn to vinegar, but the best improve with age.” -Pope John XXIII

·         Penicillin cures, but wine makes people happy. - Alexander Fleming

·         My Grandmother is over eighty and still doesn't need glasses. She drinks her wine right out of the bottle. - Henny Youngman

·         There may be truth in wine but you never see it listed on the ingredients.  – Josh Stern

“Don't forget to buy the milk, do you hear me?!" the wife sternly instructed her husband.
"I hear you..." he muttered in reply.

"And get low fat, not the whole milk!"
"Take it easy, I won't..."

"And don't buy wine instead of milk, like you did the last time, do you remember?!"
"Of course I remember..."

"And no beer, like the time before that, understand?!"
"I do, I do...."

"Well, go then!"

... Ten minutes later in the grocery store:

"What did she tell me to buy - was it wine or beer? Oh, well, I'll better take both, just in case."

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Father O'Reilly was driving down to Boston when got stopped for speeding in Medford. The highway patrol officer smelled alcohol on the priest's breath and then saw an empty wine bottle on the floor of the car.

He said, 'Father, have you been drinking?'

'Only water', replied Father O'Reilly.

The policeman asked, 'Then how come I can smell wine?'

The priest looked at the bottle and said, 'Good Lord! He's done it again.'

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Huang Chan was a rich man who was deliberately tough on his poor farmhand, Wong. Huang Chan gave Wong a bottle and said, 'Buy me a bottle of wine.'

Wong, the poor farmhand enquired, 'How can I buy you wine with no money at all?'
Huang Chan replied disdainfully, 'Anyone can buy wine with money. It takes real skill to buy wine without money.'

Time elapsed and Wong eventually returned farmhand returned with the empty bottle. He handed the bottle to Huang Chan and murmured, 'Enjoy the wine, please.'

Staring at the empty bottle with some dismay, Huang asked, 'There is no wine, how can I enjoy this?'

Wong replied to Huang Chan, with a straight face, 'Anyone can enjoy wine if there is some.  It takes real skill to enjoy wine when there is none.'

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Six retired lawyers were playing poker when Bill loses $700 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table.

Showing respect for their fallen brother, the other five continue playing standing up. John looks around and asks, 'Oh, dear, someone's got to tell Bill's wife. Who will it be?'

They draw straws.
Pat picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet and gentle and not to make a bad situation any worse.'

“Discreet? I'm the most discreet lawyer you'll ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Leave it to me.' announces Pat.

He goes over to Bill's house and knocks on the door. 
Bill’s wife answers and asks what he wants.

Pat declares: 'Your husband just lost $700 at poker and is afraid to come home.'

'Tell him to drop dead!' snarls Brenda.

‘I’ll go tell him.' says Pat, withdrawing.

>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>>> 

Lady Interviewer: Do you drink?
Man: Yes

Lady Interviewer: How much a day?
Man: Around 1/2 a bottle of whisky.

Lady Interviewer: How much does a bottle of whisky cost?
Man: Roughly $30.00.

Lady Interviewer: How long have you been drinking like that?
Man: 30 years

Lady Interviewer: That means you have spent roughly $150,000 on booze.
Man: OK

Lady Interviewer: Did it ever occur to you that if you did not drink you could have bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink?
Lady Interviewer: No

Man: So where is your Ferrari?

****************

Here is a song sung by Homer Simpson to the familiar Do Ray Me song

Dough: The stuff I need to buy me beer
Ray: The feller who sells me beer

Me: The guy who drinks the beer

Far: The distance to my beer

So: I think I'll have a beer

La: La la la la la la beer
Tea: No thanks, I'm drinking beer

That will bring us back to: [Looking into his empty glass] Doh!