I get a lot of input from JOW
sufferers, I guess in an attempt to extract some revenge.
Keith has a twisted a
sense of humor as I do. Maybe he had
been watching recent showings of Moonstruck because he sent me some revised
lyrics from the old Dean Martin song “That’s Amore”. The problem is that the tune gets stuck in
your head. Then you start making up twisted
verses. It all starts so simply…
When the moon hits your
eye
Like a big pizza pie,
That's amore.
When an eel bites your hand
And that's not what you planned,
That's a moray.
When our habits are strange
And our customs deranged,
That's our mores.
When your horse munches straw
And the bales total four,
That's some more hay.
When Othello's poor wife
She gets stabbed with a knife,
That's a Moor, eh?
Like a big pizza pie,
That's amore.
When an eel bites your hand
And that's not what you planned,
That's a moray.
When our habits are strange
And our customs deranged,
That's our mores.
When your horse munches straw
And the bales total four,
That's some more hay.
When Othello's poor wife
She gets stabbed with a knife,
That's a Moor, eh?
A camping sweet treat
That's Sa'Mores, eh?
When Canucks are so nice
that they give one more slice
That's some more 'eh?
that they give one more slice
That's some more 'eh?
Now try to get that song
out of your head…
Keith also forwarded
this one:
A few days after
Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son
playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train
stop and her son said, "All of you sons of guns who want off, get the heck
off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of guns who are
getting on, get your behinds in the train, 'cause we're going down the
tracks."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room, and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are annoyed about the TWO-HOUR delay, please see the witch in the kitchen."
The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room, and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language."
Two hours later, the son came out of the bedroom and resumed playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today."
As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are annoyed about the TWO-HOUR delay, please see the witch in the kitchen."
-----------------------------
Bill provided me with
this one:
A cowboy walked
into a crowded bar, waving his revolver and yelled, "I have a Colt .45
with six bullets for the SOB who's been sleeping with my wife!"
A voice from
the back of the room called out...."You don't have enough ammo!"
^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^
Dick sent me a few
good ones; the first couple invoke my redneck background:
**************
A question for
you: If a boy and a girl get married in West Virginia and then move to
Kentucky and subsequently get divorced, are they still brother and sister?
………………….
Two rednecks were
talking:
“Roy, can I ask you a
question? When you go hunting’ in the fall and if I go over to your house
and make it with your wife and she get pregnant and has a kid, does that make
us kin?”
“Well, I don’t know
about that Bubba but it does make us even.”
And these classified ads, which were actually
placed in U.K. Newspapers:
FREE PUPPIES
1/2 Cocker Spaniel,
1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
FREE PUPPIES.
Mother is a Kennel
Club registered German Shepherd.
Father is a Super
Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
JOINING NUDIST
COLONY!
Must sell washer and
dryer £100.
WEDDING DRESS FOR
SALE .
Worn once by
mistake.
Call Stephanie.
FOR SALE BY
OWNER.
Complete set of
Encyclopedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition,
£200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
+++++++++++++++++++++++++++
Which got me on to the low
state of what passes for journalism these days:
Yellow Journalism in
Tabloid Headlines Today
These are some real
headlines published recently in newspapers.
Titanic Survivors
Found Onboard
Dick Cheney is a
Robot - When he goes to the hospital, it’s to get his circuits rewired
Severed Leg Hops to
Hospital
Hubby’s Bad Breath
Kills His Wife
Vampires Attack US
Troops
Half-Man Half-Dog
Baffles Doctors
Alien Bible Found,
They Worship Oprah
Man’s 174-mph Sneeze
Blows Wife’s Hair Off
Teen’s Hair Changes
Color … With her Mood!
Supreme Court Judges
are Naked Under Robes!
Chain-smoker Kicks
30-year Habit … Then Chokes to Death on Wad of Nicotine Gum!
Dolphin Grows Human
Arms
Man Gives Birth to a
Healthy Baby Boy
Abraham Lincoln was a
Woman
Jesus Action Figure
Heals the Sick
Half of U.S. hookers
are space aliens – and they don’t have sex organs!
Man makes $60,000 a
year as human lawn jockey
Nazi UFOs to Attack
U.S.
Snake with Human Head
Found in Arkansas
News Reporter Eaten
Alive by 80-Ft Dinosaur
Man’s Head Explodes
in Barber’s Chair
Is Your Cat from
Mars?
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