Debatable JOW #832

I am often reminded that there are only ‘X’ days until the Presidential Debates.  This is a good and useful warning so that I will have time to get back out somewhere where I cannot pick up any television, radio, or the internet, only emerging after the pundits have finished their babbling over who ‘won’ the debate.  One thing for sure, each side will be absolutely convinced that there candidate came out on top, even if one of them drops dead on the stage.  They should hold the event in a farm state where the copious quantities of manure generated could be put to good use.   I used to be on the debate team in high school.  Then I learned the meaning of the word ‘sophistry’ and immediately shifted to extemporaneous speaking – which proved useful.

Below are a few bits of humor for his week.

Here are some important facts to keep in mind as you age.

·         Don’t worry about old age – it doesn’t last all that long.

·         Death is the number one killer in the world.

·         Life is sexually transmitted.

·         Longevity is merely the slowest rate at which you can die.

·         Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.

·         In the ‘60’s we took acid to make the world weird.  Now we are in our 60’s we take Prozac to make it seem normal.

A police officer on patrol noticed a car swerving all over the road.  He turned on his lights and pulled the guy over.

“Sir, you know you were weaving all over the road.  Please step out of the car.  Now, walk down this line.”

“I’d be happy to, officer.” replied the drunk.  “Can you get that line to stop moving?”

 ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

The only cow in a small Iowa farm died of old age.  The family did some research and discovered they could get a cow just across the state line in Wisconsin for only $500.

They bought the cow and things worked out very well; the cow had a sweet temperament and gave lots of milk.  They were so happy they decided to rent the services of a bull so they could have more cows like her.

However, when the bull was put into the pasture with their cow there was a problem.  Whenever the bull would come close the cow would move away.  No matter what approach the bull tried the cow thwarted him.  They were so concerned that a vet was called.

They explained the problem – ‘when he comes to her she avoids him by dodging and moving away.  We don’t know why she won’t let him do what comes naturally.’

The vet pondered the problem for a moment and then asked, “Do you buy a cow from Wisconsin?”

“You are amazing,” they replied.  “How did you know we got the cow from Wisconsin?”

The vet got a haunted look in his eyes, “My wife is from Wisconsin.”

+++++++++++++++++++++

A girl was writing a paper for school and came to her father for help.

“Dad, what is the difference between annoyance, anger and exasperation?”

“It’s mostly a matter of degree.  Let me show you what I mean.  Listen in on this call.”

Taking their old rotary dial phone he dialed a random local number.  When the man answered he asked, “Hello, is Melvin there?”

“There is no one living here named Melvin.  Be more careful when you dial numbers.”

“See”, the father said to his daughter.  He was probably busy and we annoyed him.  Now watch.”

The father dialed the same number again and said, “Hello, is Melvin there?”

“Now look here!” came the heated reply, you just called this number and I told you there is no Melvin here.  Don’t call this number again.”  And he slammed down the receiver.

The father turned to his daughter again and said, “Now that was anger.  Now let me show you what exasperation means.”

He dialed the same number again.  “HELLO” the man answered.

In a calm voice the father said, “Yes, hello.  This is Melvin.  Have there been any calls for me?”

_____________

A man is bemoaning his fate to the bartender.  “It was terrible.  I was away on a business trip.  I emailed my wife that I was coming home early.  When I got home I found her in bed with my best friend.  How could she do this to me?”

“Well,” said the wise old bartender.  “Maybe she didn’t check her email.”

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

A crow would sit in a tree and do nothing all day.  One day a rabbit saw the crow and asked him, “Can I sit around and do nothing all day like you do?”

“Sure, why not?” replied the crow.

So the rabbit sat on the ground doing nothing all day.  All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate him up.”

The moral of the story:  If you want to sit on your ass and do nothing you must be sitting very high up.

Here is a variation of an old joke.

“How do you want your tofu hot dog?” the philosophical vender asked the Zen Master.

“Make me one with everything,” the Buddhist replied.

After getting his dog the Buddhist handed the vendor a $20.  The vendor pocketed the bill and began helping the next customer.

“Where is my change?” asked the Buddhist.

“Change comes from with,” replied the philosophical hotdog vendor.

<<<<<<<<<<<<<< 

John, Tom and Pat were at a convention together sharing a large suite at the top of a 75-story hotel. After a long day of meetings, they were shocked to hear that the elevators in their hotel were broken, and they would have to climb 75 flights of stairs to get to their room.
Tom said to John and Pat, "Let's break the monotony of this unpleasant task by concentrating on something interesting. I'll tell jokes for 25 flights, John can sing songs for the next 25 flights and Paul will tell sad stories for the rest of the way."
At the 26th floor, Tom stopped telling jokes and John began to sing. At the 51st floor, John stopped singing and Pat began to tell sad stories.
"I will tell my saddest story first," he said. "I left the room key in the car."

And finally, a deep thought:

Give a person a fish and you feed him for a day.  Teach a person to use the internet and they won’t bother you for weeks and weeks.