Their goes you're JOW #833

I confess that I had a grammar typo in my write up last week.  I typed ‘there’ instead of ‘their’.  As a published author, grammar and punctuation are important to me.  Maybe I am becoming a typochondriac.  But then, every time I make a typo the errorists win. 

I really deplore the tendency for Millennials to take spelling shortcuts such as ‘u’ for ‘you’ or ‘r’ for ‘are’.  And it is ‘before’, not ‘B4’ -you should speak English, not Bingo.  As one Millennial put it to me ‘You get the meaning.’  Yes, it means ‘u r lazy’ – and functionally illiterate. And whenever someone posts ‘to funny’ I immediate picture them leaving on a quest to find the land of Funny.  I saw a bumper sticker that stated “If your living here learn English.” And learn it correctly, too. 

Perhaps I am such a stickler because I had problems with spelling and grammar as a kid.  I remember a teacher that taught me in spelling the rhyme, ‘I before E except after C’ which made spelling hard when I tried to write about a ‘feisty heist on weird foreign neighbors’

I am not a full-up grammar Nazi.  For example, I do not order my eggs over easily.  Nor did I comment on our great grandfather’s tombstone which reads “He died loving the cause he fought for” by commenting that “His epitaph ends in a preposition.” That was Martha. 

Some word pet peeves –

‘Literally’ means something actually happened, not that it figuratively happened.

‘Nonplus’ does not mean what you think it does.

‘Affect’ is a verb.  ‘Effect’ is a noun.

‘Loose’ and ‘lose’ are two different words.

When someone says “I’m doing good,” I want to say, “No, Superman does good.  You are doing well.”

When I see a sign that says ‘This door is alarmed I wonder what startled it.”

Al Yankovic wanted to start a toy store that taught proper grammar to kids – Toys are We.

Dear girls, we hate periods, too.  Sincerely, commas.

And remember, practice safe text, and you never miss a period.

‘Well done steak; is not the same as ‘Well done, steak.’

And punctuation can save lives.  Consider these two examples:

Let’s eat grandma.

We are going to learn to cut and paste kids.

>>>>>>>>>> 

Please give me two pronouns.

“Who, me?”

<<<<<<<<<<< 

Tense, moody, irregular?  Why you must be a verb.

This exchange was overheard and misunderstood throughout the age of pirates

“The cannons be ready Captain Mike.”

“Are.”

Here is a story from Chuck on getting older.

$5.37! 
That's what the kid behind the counter at Taco Bell said to me. 
I dug into my pocket and pulled out some lint and two dimes and something that used to be a Jolly Rancher. Having already handed the kid a five-spot, I started to head back out to the truck to grab some change when the kid with the Elmo hairdo said the meanest thing anyone has ever said to me.  He said, "It's OK. I'll just give you the senior citizen discount."  I turned to see who he was talking to and then heard the sound of change hitting the counter in front of me. "Only $4.68"he said cheerfully.

 I stood there stupefied. I am 56, not even 60 yet!
A mere child! 
Senior citizen?

 I took my burrito and walked out to the truck wondering what was wrong with Elmo. 
Was he blind? 
As I sat in the truck, my blood began to boil. 
Old? Me?

 I'll show him, I thought. I opened the door and headed back inside. I strode to the counter, and there he was waiting with a smile.

 Before I could say a word, he held up something and jingled it in front of me, like I could be that easily distracted! 
What am I now? A toddler?

"Dude! Can't get too far without your car keys, eh?" 
I stared with utter disdain at the keys.  I began to rationalize in my mind!

"Leaving keys behind hardly makes a man elderly! 
It could happen to anyone!"

I turned and headed back to the truck. I slipped the key into the ignition, but it wouldn't turn. 
What now? I checked my keys and tried another. Still nothing.

 That's when I noticed the purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror. I had no purple beads hanging from my rear view mirror.  Then, a few other objects came into focus: 
The car seat in the back seat. Happy Meal toys spread all over the floorboard. A partially eaten dough nut on the dashboard.

 Faster than you can say ginkgo biloba, I flew out of the alien vehicle.  Moments later I was speeding out of the parking lot, relieved to finally be leaving this nightmarish stop in my life. 
That is when I felt it, deep in the bowels of my stomach: hunger!  My stomach growled and churned, and I reached to grab my burrito, only it was nowhere to be found.

I swung the truck around, gathered my courage, and strode back into the restaurant one final time. There Elmo stood, draped in youth and black nail polish. All I could think was, "What is the world coming to?"  All I could say was, "Did I leave my food and drink in here"? .

 Elmo had no clue. I walked back out to the truck, and suddenly a young lad came up and tugged on my jeans to get my attention. He was holding up a drink and a bag. 
His mother explained, "I think you left this in my truck by mistake."

 I took the food and drink from the little boy and sheepishly apologized.

 She offered these kind words: 
"It's OK. My grandfather does stuff like this all the time."

  As I walked in the front door, my wife met me halfway down the hall. I handed her a bag of cold food. I promptly sat in my rocking chair and covered up my legs with a blankey.

 The good news was that I had successfully found my way home.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Finally, remember, use proper punctuation.  It is the difference between knowing your shit and knowing you’re shit.  Admit. It. This. Took. You. Much. Longer. To. Read. Than. It. Should. Have.

A final example –

This sentence - ‘A woman without her man is useless.’ Changes dramatically with punctuation.

A woman, without her man, is useless.

A woman; without her, man is useless.