Lawful JOW #865

While doing our duty out here at the nether end of nowhere it is always nice to get emails and posting from home.  Bill has been especially kind; most of these jokes are provided by him.  This Memorial Day weekend Ruth and I will be off to Flagstaff, gateway to Grand Canyon.  Ruth also says there is a lot to do there.  A lot more than poor, little Chinle Arizona; these things are relative. 

Enjoy your Memorial Day Weekend – Gateway to Summer.  And I hope you enjoy these little bits of humor.

Laws we learn as we grow older

Law of Mechanical Repair 

After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.

And the related:

Law of Gravity

Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.

 Law of Observation 
The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Random Numbers
If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.

Variation Law 
If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.

Law of the Bath 
When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.
 
Law of Close Encounters
The probability of meeting someone you know increases dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.

Law of the Result 
When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!
 
Law of Biomechanics
The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach

Law of the Theatres & Sports Arenas

At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last.. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
 
The Coffee Law
As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, someone will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.

Gym’s Law

If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers. 

 Law of Physical Surfaces
The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.

Law of Logical Argument
Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.

Law of Women’s Footwear aka Tiffany’s Lay
If the shoe fits, it’s ugly.

 Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy
As soon as you find a product that you really like or the store will stop selling it!

Doctors' Law
If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.

$$$$$$$$$$$$

An Arab Sheikh was admitted to a hospital for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to have some of his blood type stored in case the need arose.

As the gentleman had an extremely rare type of blood that couldn't be found locally, the call went out around the world.

 Finally, a Scotsman was located who had the same rare blood type. After some coaxing, the Scot donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a new BMW, a diamond necklace for his wife, and $100,000 U.S. dollars in appreciation for the blood donation.

 A few months later, the Arab had to undergo a corrective surgery procedure. Once again, his doctor telephoned the Scotsman, who this time was more than happy to donate his blood. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of of chocolates.

 The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had anticipated. He phoned the Arab and asked him, "I thought you would be more generous than that... last time you sent me a BMW, diamonds and money, but this time you only sent me a lousy thank-you card and a lousy box of chocolates?"

To this the Arab replied: "Aye Laddie, but I now have Scottish blood in me veins"

Two quick riddles

Q: What kind of exercise do lazy 
people do?

A: Diddly-squats.

Q: What do you call a snobbish criminal going down the stairs?

 A: A condescending con descending.

**************

‘Son, if you could be anything in the world, the sky's the limit, what would you be?’

‘I want to be an astronaut!’

‘Hey! I said the sky's the limit!’

~~~~~~~~~~~~

There was a newspaper headline about a tightrope walker walking across the river Han in Korea. The headline went -

"Skywalker Crosses Han Solo"

·         I took the shell off my racing snail, thinking it would make him faster.  If anything, it made him more sluggish.

·         I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant, but then I changed my mind.

·         To whoever took my Microsoft Office: I will find you. You have my Word.

·         A friend of mine tried to annoy me with bird puns, but I soon realized that toucan play at that game.

·         I heard Apple is designing a new automatic car. But they're having trouble installing windows.

·         Yesterday I accidentally swallowed some food coloring. The doctor says I'm OK, but I feel like I've dyed a little inside.

·         Have you ever tried to eat a clock? It's very time consuming.

Let’s end with a good old fashioned knock-knock joke

"Knock knock."

"Who's there?"
"Isabella."
"Isabella who?"
"Isabella broken? I kept pressing it but finally had to knock."