Short Stupid JOW #864

My friend Dick sent me three really stupid jokes.  Of course, I loved them.  That got me off on more short, stupid jokes.  Most of these are word play including some really awful puns.  I hope you enjoy them.

·         What do you get when you cross a baby with a soldier?  The infantry.

·         How do you get these corn cobs to be smooth?  Kernel sanders.

·         Why did the physics teacher break up with the biology teacher?  No chemistry.

·         If I can’t find the key, I break into song

·         Your calendar’s days are numbered

·         Bakers trade their recipes in a knead to know basis

·         Once you’ve seen one enclosed shopping center, you’ve seen the mall.

·         RIP, boiled water.  You will be mist

·         So many herbs, so little thyme

·         If I can’t find the key, I break into song

·         Your calendar’s days are numbered.

·         My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.

·         Spring is here and I am so excited I wet my plants.

·         I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.

·         I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.

While I am on the subject here are some stupid two liners

I drink a pint of water before going to bed every night. 

Why?  It gives me a reason to get up in the morning.

Did you hear about the two thieves who stole a calendar?

They each got 6 months

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Aye Matey

What is Mike the Pirate's favorite letter?

Ye'd think it be "R", but a pirate's first love always be the "C"

What's the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bike?

Attire.

What's red and bad for your teeth?

A brick.

My friend says to me, "What rhymes with orange?"

I said, "No it doesn't."

People in Dubai don't like the Flintstones.

But people in Abu Dhabi do!

I've been told I'm condescending.

(that means I talk down to people)

How did the hipster burn his mouth?

He ate the pizza before it was cool.

What's ET short for?

Because he has little legs.

What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo?

One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

A squirrel is relaxing in his tree when it suddenly starts to shake violently. He looks outside and sees an elephant climbing the tree.

The squirrel looks down and says, "Hey elephant, what are you doing?"

The elephant replies "I'm climbing this tree to eat some pears!"

"You dummy," sayeth the squirrel, "this is a pine tree... there's no pears up here."

The elephant replies "I know, I brought my own!"

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

Dad – Go to your room!

Son – Jim Morrison was overrated!

Dad – What did I tell you about slamming the door.

Finally, more Dog jokes (left over from last week)

Airedale x Malamute = Airmal, litters that go first class 

Airedale X Spaniel = Airel, a dog that brings in good TV reception 

Akita x Shiba Inu = SHIKITA, a bright yellow, banana shaped dog

Basenji X Schipperke = Baserke, a dog that's mad about its owner

Bloodhound X Labrador = Blabador, a dog that barks incessantly

Bloodhound X Borzoi = Bloody Bore, a dog that's not much fun

Boxer X German Shorthair = Boxer Shorts, a dog never seen in public 

Bull Terrier x Shitzu = Bullshitz, a gregarious but unreliable breed 

Cairn Terrier x Jack Russell Terrier = Cairjack, can never find him when you have a flat tire 

Chihuahua X Whippet = Chiapet, order from TV ads; 3 for $19.95 

Cocker Spaniel x Rottweiler = Cockrot, the perfect puppy for that philandering ex-husband 

Collie X Malamute = Commute, a dog that travels to work 

Collie X Lhasa Apso = Collapso, a dog that folds up for easy transport

Deerhound X Terrier = Derriere, a dog that's true to the end 

Great Pyrenees X Dachshund = Pyradachs, a puzzling breed 

Great Pyrenees x Jack Russell Terrier = Pyrajacks, don't bet on 'em

Harrier x Pit Bull = Hairy Pits, found throughout Europe 

Highland Terrier x Jack Russell Terrier = Hijack, gets you in trouble on airplanes 

Irish Water Spaniel X English Springer Spaniel = Irish Springer, a dog fresh and clean as a whistle 

Keeshond X Setter = Keester, you can't get this dog off its duff 

Kerry Blue Terrier X Skye Terrier = Blue Skye, a dog for visionaries

Kerry Blue Terrier X Bloodhound = Blueblood, a favorite with the upper crust in Society

Labrador Retriever X Curly Coated Retriever = Lab Coat Retriever, the choice of research scientists 

Malamute X Pointer = Moot Point, owned by....oh, well, it doesn't matter anyway 

Newfoundland X Basset Hound = Newfound Asset Hound, a dog for financial advisors

Pekingese X Lhasa Apso = Peekasso, an abstract dog 

Pekingese X Dachshund = Peking Dach, owned by Chinese restranteurs

Pekinese x Rottweiler = Parrot, repeats everything you say 

Pointer X Setter = Poinsetter, a traditional Christmas pet

Poodle X Great Pyrenees = Poopyree, a dog that smells good 

Pyrenees x Akita = Pyrakita, a small brightly-colored South American dog that can be finger-trained, as well as trained to talk

Saluki x Shitzu = Suzuki, goes for miles on a gallon of gas 

Scotch Terrier x Water Spaniel = Scotch & Water, served throughout England (as opposed to watered scotch, served throughout the USA) 

Smooth Fox Terrier X Chow Chow = Smooch, a dog who loves to kiss 

Spaniel x Dachshund = Spandachs, in gyms everywhere 

Spitz X Chow Chow = Spitz-Chow, a dog that throws up a lot

Terrier X Bulldog = Terribull, a dog that makes awful mistakes 

Wiener Dog x Rottweiler = Bratweiler, a German dog found at the snack bars at sporting events