I started
writing my JOW with a theme of the ‘wisdom’ of older people. Then I got to thinking about Memorial Day and
military stuff, so I threw some a few jokes about the US Navy (backbone of our
nation’s defence) in there as well. I hope
these entertain.
From Bill
I pointed to two old drunks across the bar
from us and told my friend Mike, “That'll be us in ten years."
He turned to me and said, "That's a
mirror, you dumb shit."
Age-related thoughts:
·
Age gets better
with wine
·
I don’t always
drink beer. But when I do, I tend to pee
a lot.
·
I have reached
the age where my brain goes, ‘you probably shouldn’t say that’, to ‘let’s see
what the hell happens.
·
If you haven’t
grown up by 60 you don’t have to.
·
I have reached
the age where an ‘all-nighter’ means not having to get up to go to the
bathroom.
·
Think old and you
will be old. Think young and you will be
a delusional old fart.
·
I used to want to
be older, but this s#1t is not what I expected.
·
I hate it when I
see some old fart and then realize we went to high school together.
·
The idea is to
die young… as late as possible
·
Bad decisions
make good stories.
·
How many times is
it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because
you still didn't hear or understand a word they said?
·
Obituaries would
be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
From Pat
“How
the cow ate the cabbage” is an old folk saying of the southern US, most
often heard in Texas and Arkansas, and probably dates back to at least the
1940s. It comes from the punchline to a joke that would, in that period, have
been considered at least slightly “off-color.
Here goes:
A circus had arrived in a small town, and one
morning one of the elephants managed to escape. The fugitive pachyderm made its
way to the backyard garden of an elderly (and very near-sighted) woman, where
it began hungrily uprooting her cabbages with its trunk and eating them.
Alarmed by the apparition in her garden, the woman called the police, saying,
“Sheriff, there’s a big cow in my garden pulling up my cabbages with its tail!”
“What’s the cow doing with them?” he asked, to which the woman replied,
“What’s the cow doing with them?” he asked, to which the woman replied,
“You wouldn’t believe me if I told you!”
***********************
Two
old friends, one a Marine and one a Sailor meet up in a bar one day (I know it
may be hard to imagine either a Sailor or a Marine being in a bar, but hear the
tale). They began to discuss which of them had had the toughest career.
The
retired Marine Gunnery Sergeant begins: After I graduated from High School, the
next morning I was on the train for Parris Island, South Carolina. Following
Boot Camp, I found myself in a Regiment assigned to Iraq. I did four tours over
there. When I wasn’t fighting in Iraq, I
was over in Afghanistan. I did five
tours in that God-forsaken place.
The
Navy Chief looked him in the eye and took a long draw on his bottle of beer and
snorted: “Well, it figures - all shore duty.”
-------------------------------
Department of the Navy is
now assigning females to quarters in a separate private "OFF LIMITS"
area on all aircraft carriers. Addressing all boat personnel at Pearl,
CINCPAC advised, "Female sleeping quarters will be
"out-of-bounds" for all males. Anyone caught breaking this rule
will be fined $50 the first time." He continued, "Anyone caught
breaking this rule the second time will be fined $150. Being caught a third
time will cost you a fine of $500. Are there any questions?"
At this point, a Marine
from the security detail assigned to the ship stood up in the crowd and
inquired...
"How much for a
season pass?"
Three random
thoughts:
·
I think the
freezer deserves a light as well
·
If you think you did something stupid,
just remember people have tried to print YouTube videos.
·
Police are asking the public to
‘Romaine’ calm after $5000 lettuce theft.
I have been getting
into cooking lately. For example, I
recently made Ruth a pureed nut spread with a grape reduction paired with a
brioche bun. Okay, it was a
PB&J. Maybe I should be writing
menus for fancy New Orleans restaurants.
``````````````````````
Finally, some of you may
remember the old advice column in the newspaper. (Some of you Millennials may
not even remember newspapers.) The
advice columns were early forms of Social Media. And people were just as stupid
and clueless then as they are now.
Some old reputed questions
from the old Dear Abby advice column.
Dear Abby,
A couple of women moved in across the hall
from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in
her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together, and I've never seen a
man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?
Dear Abby,
What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language
and Violence on my VCR?
Dear Abby,
I am a twenty-three year old liberated woman
who has been on the pill for two years. It's getting expensive and I think my
boyfriend should share half the cost, but I don't know him well enough to
discuss money with him.
Dear Abby,
Our son writes that he is taking Judo. Why
would a boy who was raised in a good Christian home turn against his own?
Dear Abby,
I joined the Navy to see the world. I've seen
it. Now how do I get out?
Dear Abby,
My forty-year-old son has been paying a
psychiatrist $50.00 an hour every week for two and a half years. He must be crazy.
Dear Abby,
My mother is mean and short tempered I think
she is going through mental pause.
AND NOW FOR THE CLASSIC
Dear Abby,
I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much,
I'm not even sure the child carrying is his.
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