Horrible Harvey JOW #879

Tropical Storm Harvey has had a major impact on the greater Houston Area for the last four days, with unprecedented flooding in the area.  Since everything is closed, including most of the main transportation arteries, I have had plenty of time to ponder flooding, including some of these bits of humor for an otherwise grim situation.

Pros and Cons of flooding

Pro - Fishing from a couch right in your living room.
Con - Your couch doesn't float.

Pro - The trip to the river just got shorter.
Con - Now you can't get away from it.

Pro - Boating in the street.
Con – Street signs and cars right under the surface.

Pro - Great time to wash your house's siding.
Con - Ring around the house.

Pro - Sun-tanning on the roof is cool.
Con - Sleeping there sucks.

Pro - Great way to meet new neighbors.
Con - Their stuff keeps floating into your bedroom.

Pro - Washing dishes just got easier.
Con - All the grub is under water, too.

Pro - Good time to clean the gutters.
Con - Nothing else to do till the boat comes back.

Pro - Practice your diving skills.
Con - Breaking your neck on the top of the porch roof.

Pro - You can finally reach those dead branches.
Con - Gotta swim after the saw that's floating away.

Pro - You can finally slam dunk.
Con - You have to dive down to get to the basket.

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A lawyer and an engineer were sitting on the beach in Miami.

The lawyer decided to strike up a conversation, “I’m here because my business burned down, and everything I owned was destroyed by the fire. The insurance company paid for everything.”

“That’s quite a coincidence,” said the engineer. “I’m here because my house and all my belongings were destroyed by a flood, and my insurance company paid double for everything.”

There was a pause and then the puzzled lawyer asked, “How do you start a flood?”

Some flood riddles

What kind of lights did Noah have on the ark? - Flood lights

Why couldn't they play cards on the ark?  - Noah was sitting on the deck

Was Noah the first one out of the Ark?  - No, he came forth out of the ark
How does a lawyer resemble a rabbi?  - Lawyers study the law and the profits

This is one of my favorite jokes

It had been raining for days and days, and a local river crested, flooding many houses. The waters rose so high that one man was forced to climb onto the roof of his house. As the waters rose higher and higher, a man in a big, high truck appeared, and told him to hop in.

"No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the man in the truck went away.

The man on the roof prayed for God to save him. The waters rose higher and higher, and suddenly a boat appeared.

"Climb in!" shouted a man in the boat.

"No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me."

So the man in the boat went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him. The waters continued to rise. A helicopter appeared and over the loudspeaker, the pilot announced he would lower a rope to the man on the roof.

"No," replied the man on the roof. "I have faith in the Lord; the Lord will save me." So the helicopter went away. The man on the roof prayed for God to save him. The waters rose higher and higher, and eventually they rose so high that the man on the roof was washed away, and alas, he drowned.

Upon arriving in heaven, the man marched straight over to God. 

"Heavenly Father," he said, "I had faith in you, I prayed to you to save me, and yet you did nothing. Why?" 

God gave him a puzzled look, and replied "I sent you a truck, a boat and a helicopter, what more did you expect?"

A useless bit of arcane knowledge:

Did you know the saying "God willing and the creek don't rise" was in reference to the Creek Indians and not a body of water? It was written by Benjamin Hawkins in the late 18th century. He was a politician and Indian diplomat. While in the south, Hawkins was requested by the President of the U.S. to return to Washington In his response, he was said to write, "God willing and the Creek don't rise." Because he capitalized the word "Creek", he was referring to the Creek Indian tribe and not a body of water. 

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The old couple had a tumultuous relationship, right up to her passing.  His wife's graveside service was just barely finished, when there was a massive clap of thunder, followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning, and then even more thunder rumbling in the distance.

The little old man looked at the pastor and calmly said, "Well, she’s there."

+++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

An angelic little boy was waiting for his mother outside the ladies room of the gas station.

As he stood there, he was approached by a man who asked, "Sonny, can you tell me where the Post Office is?" 

The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street two blocks and turn to your right.  It's on the left." 

The man thanked the boy kindly, complimented him on how bright he was and said, "I'm the new pastor in town. If you and your mommy come to church on Sunday, I'll show you how to get to Heaven." 

The little boy replied "You gotta be kidding me, right? You can't even find the Post Office."

Darkness at noon JOW #878

The solar eclipse is big news.  Networks are having fun showing old commentaries from 1979 with Walter Cronkite intoning that ‘the next total eclipse in the US will not happen until 2017’ which seemed an impossibly long time away – think the movie Bladerunner.  Well, it’s here – the year, not the dystopian world in the movie.  It may be a bigger deal for Boomers than Millennials who will be too busy on their phones to notice.  After all, the solar eclipse is just the moon photobombing the sun.  Besides, the eclipse will be so much cooler online.

I tried to think of some eclipse humor but all I could come up with were a few riddles.  But that led to me outer space/NASA.  That joke led me to Indians and it was all downhill from there.

---

What’s the most famous painting of an eclipse?
The Moona Lisa.

When can astronauts not land on the moon?
When it is full.

How does the man in the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

NASA was preparing for the Apollo project. 

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated. "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"

A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder.

After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it. He refused. The NASA PR people brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder's message.

Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. His translation of the old man's message was: "Watch out for these guys; they’ll steal your land."

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A Native American chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant.

The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated that he built her a teepee made of deer hide.

A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide.

The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a teepee made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred.

Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys.  

"Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?"

The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."

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A woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. A little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, “I know how you feel. My Mom makes me ride in the stroller too.”

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One day, a Texas lady was driving across a high bridge in Austin. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixing to jump.  ("fixing" in Texas means: has the means or abilities to take action).

She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't jump, think of your dear mother and father."

He replied, " My mom and dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."

 She said. "Well, think of your sweet wife and precious children."

 He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids."

 She said, "well, then you just remember the Alamo."

 He replied, "What's the Alamo?"

 She replied. "Well bless your heart!  You just go ahead and jump.  You’re holding up traffic."

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A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy three quarters to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly the boy starts choking and going blue in the face.

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarters and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up two of the quarters, but keeps choking.    Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.  

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the quarter to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied... "I’m a Divorce Attorney"

And to end this set, here is one of my favorite Pooh quotes.

“What day is it?” asked Pooh.

“Today,” answered Piglet.

“My favorite day,” said Pooh.

Doggy Days JOW #877

Every year I try to do a Dog Days joke around this miserably hot time of year.  I love dog jokes, especially talking dog jokes, but I have used them so many times I had to come up with some new ones, or at least ones I haven’t used more than once.  So keep cool and remember, the eclipse will provide some relief from the sun next Monday – for about an hour.

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A woman called our airline 
customer-service desk asking if she could take her dog on board.

“Sure,” I said, “as long as you provide your own kennel.” I further explained that the kennel needed to be large enough for the dog to stand up, sit down, turn around, and roll over.

The customer was flummoxed: 
“I’ll never be able to teach him all of that by tomorrow!”

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My niece was dragged into court by a neighbor who complained about her barking dogs. At one point, the judge asked the neighbor a question. The neighbor didn’t reply. “Sir, are you going to answer me?”

“Are you talking to me?” The neighbor asked. “Sorry; I can’t hear a darn thing.”

The case was dismissed.

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I’m a dog trainer. Before I met with a new client, I had her fill out a questionnaire. One question asked, “Why did you choose this breed?”

My client responded, “I often ask myself this very same question.”

…………………………………...

A Millennial couple begun to long for the pitter-patter of little feet; so they bought a dog. It’s cheaper, and you get more feet.

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Two men are talking about animals. One says to the other, ‘I know of a dog worth $10,000.’ ‘Really?’ replies the other. ‘Who would have thought a dog could save that much.’

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When our client’s dog lapped up anti-freeze, the veterinarian I work for ordered a unique treatment: an IV drip mixing fluids with vodka. “Go buy the cheapest bottle you can find,” he told me.

At the liquor store, I was uneasy buying cheap booze so early in the day, and I felt compelled to explain things to the clerk.

“Believe it or not,” I said, “this is for a sick dog.”

As I was leaving, the next customer plunked down two bottles of muscatel and announced, “These are for my cats.”

·         I dressed my dog up as a cat for Halloween. Now he won’t come when I call him.

·         My dog Is so lazy he won’t even chase cars. He sits on the curb and takes down license plate numbers.

·         I don’t know why my dogs always race to the door when the doorbell rings? It’s hardly ever for them

·         Q: What do you call a large dog that meditates? A: Aware wolf.

·         “We’re eating 
dinner soon. 
Don’t fill up 
on homework.” 
—Dog mom

Ten Reasons Why Dogs Are Better Pets Than Cats

1. Dogs will tilt their heads and try to understand every word you say. Cats will ignore you and take a nap.

2. Cats look silly on a leash.

3. When you come home from work, your dog will be happy and lick your face. Cats will still be mad at you for leaving in the first place.

4. Dogs will give you unconditional love until the day they die. Cats will make you pay for every mistake you've ever made since the day you were born.

5. A dog knows when you're sad. And he'll try to comfort you. Cats don't care how you feel, as long as you remember where the can opener is.

6. Dogs will bring you your slippers. Cats will pee in your slippers.

7. When you take them for a ride, dogs will sit on the seat next to you. Cats have to have their own private basket, or they won't go at all.

8. Dogs will come when you call them. And they'll be happy. Cats will have someone take a message and may or may not get back to you.

9. Dogs will play fetch with you. The only thing cats will play are small rodents or bugs, preferably ones that look like they're in pain.

10. Dogs will wake you up if the house is on fire. Cats will quietly sneak out the back door.

Some non-doggy jokes -

A husband and wife were sitting at a restaurant celebrating their anniversary. 

The old guy, reflecting as old guys do, suddenly turned to his wife and said, “When I die I want you to sell or give away all my stuff.”

“Why would I do that?”

“Because you are still a good-looking woman.  I am sure you will remarry someday.  And when you do I don’t want some other asshole using my stuff.”

She smiled sweetly and, patting his hand said, “What makes you think I would marry another asshole?”

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My Uncle Herman, who lived in Chicago, was a staunch Conservative, and voted straight Republican until the day he died.  Since then he has voted Democrat.

Sometimes you can be too smart.

There was a Mensa Convention in San Francisco recently. Mensa, as you probably know, is a national organization for people who have an IQ of 140 or higher.
Several of the Mensa members went out for lunch at a local cafe. When they sat down, one of them discovered that their salt shaker cap was labeled pepper, and their pepper shaker was labeled salt. How could they swap the contents of the two bottles without spilling any, and using only
the implements at hand?
Clearly, this was a job for Mensa minds.
The group debated the problem and presented ideas, and finally came up with a brilliant solution involving a napkin, a straw, and an empty saucer. They called the waitress over, ready to dazzle her with their solution.
"Ma'am," they said, "we couldn't help but notice that the pepper shaker contains salt and the salt shaker has pepper."
But before they could finish, the waitress interrupted. "Oh, sorry about that." She leaned over the table, unscrewed the caps of both bottles and switched them.
There was dead silence at the Mensa table.