Darkness at noon JOW #878

The solar eclipse is big news.  Networks are having fun showing old commentaries from 1979 with Walter Cronkite intoning that ‘the next total eclipse in the US will not happen until 2017’ which seemed an impossibly long time away – think the movie Bladerunner.  Well, it’s here – the year, not the dystopian world in the movie.  It may be a bigger deal for Boomers than Millennials who will be too busy on their phones to notice.  After all, the solar eclipse is just the moon photobombing the sun.  Besides, the eclipse will be so much cooler online.

I tried to think of some eclipse humor but all I could come up with were a few riddles.  But that led to me outer space/NASA.  That joke led me to Indians and it was all downhill from there.

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What’s the most famous painting of an eclipse?
The Moona Lisa.

When can astronauts not land on the moon?
When it is full.

How does the man in the moon cut his hair?
Eclipse it.

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NASA was preparing for the Apollo project. 

When NASA was preparing for the Apollo project, some of the training of the astronauts took place on a Navajo reservation.

One day, a Navajo elder and his son were herding sheep and came across the space crew. The old man, who spoke only Navajo, asked a question that his son translated. "What are these guys in the big suits doing?"

A member of the crew said they were practicing for their trip to the moon. The old man got all excited and asked if he could send a message to the moon with the astronauts. Recognizing a promotional opportunity, the NASA folks found a tape recorder.

After the old man recorded his message, they asked his son to translate it. He refused. The NASA PR people brought the tape to the reservation, where the rest of the tribe listened and laughed, but refused to translate the elder's message.

Finally, the NASA crew called in an official government translator. His translation of the old man's message was: "Watch out for these guys; they’ll steal your land."

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A Native American chief had three wives, each of whom was pregnant.

The first gave birth to a boy. The chief was so elated that he built her a teepee made of deer hide.

A few days later, the second gave birth, also to a boy. The chief was very happy. He built her a teepee made of antelope hide.

The third wife gave birth a few days later, but the chief kept the details a secret. He built this one a teepee made out of a hippopotamus hide. The chief then challenged the tribe to guess what had occurred.

Many tried, unsuccessfully. Finally, one young brave declared that the third wife had given birth to twin boys.  

"Correct," said the chief. "How did you figure it out?"

The warrior answered, "It's elementary. The value of the squaw of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squaws of the other two hides."

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A woman rolled an elderly man in a wheelchair into the room. As she went to the receptionist's desk, the man sat there, alone and silent. A little boy slipped off his mother's lap and walked over to the wheelchair. Placing his hand on the man's, he said, “I know how you feel. My Mom makes me ride in the stroller too.”

^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^^

One day, a Texas lady was driving across a high bridge in Austin. As she neared the top of the bridge, she noticed a young man fixing to jump.  ("fixing" in Texas means: has the means or abilities to take action).

She stopped her car, rolled down the window and said, "Please don't jump, think of your dear mother and father."

He replied, " My mom and dad are both dead; I'm going to jump."

 She said. "Well, think of your sweet wife and precious children."

 He replied, "I'm not married and I don't have any kids."

 She said, "well, then you just remember the Alamo."

 He replied, "What's the Alamo?"

 She replied. "Well bless your heart!  You just go ahead and jump.  You’re holding up traffic."

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A father walks into a restaurant with his young son. He gives the young boy three quarters to play with to keep him occupied. Suddenly the boy starts choking and going blue in the face.

The father realizes the boy has swallowed the quarters and starts slapping him on the back. The boy coughs up two of the quarters, but keeps choking.    Looking at his son, the father is panicking, shouting for help.  

A well dressed, attractive, and serious looking woman, in a blue business suit is sitting at a coffee bar reading a newspaper and sipping a cup of coffee. At the sound of the commotion, she looks up, puts her coffee cup down, neatly folds the newspaper and places it on the counter, gets up from her seat and makes her way, unhurried, across the restaurant.

Reaching the boy, the woman carefully drops his pants; takes hold of the boy's testicles and starts to squeeze and twist. After a few seconds the boy convulses violently and coughs up the last quarter, which the woman deftly catches in her free hand.

Releasing the boy's testicles, the woman hands the quarter to the father and walks back to her seat in the coffee bar without saying a word.

As soon as he is sure that his son has suffered no ill effects, the father rushes over to the woman and starts thanking her saying, "I've never seen anybody do anything like that before, it was fantastic. Are you a doctor?"

"No," the woman replied... "I’m a Divorce Attorney"

And to end this set, here is one of my favorite Pooh quotes.

“What day is it?” asked Pooh.

“Today,” answered Piglet.

“My favorite day,” said Pooh.